Monthly Archives: July 2011
Tomorrow is my birthday, and it has been looming over me for the last three weeks, like an oncoming herpes break out. I am depressed, bloated, and seriously constipated with thoughts of suicide. Not really. I just wanted to use the word constipated without a feces visual.
I am depressed, bloated, and currently contracting West Nile virus on the patio attached to my new apartment. I wish pasty legs had the same effect on single, witty, SBGs (Sexy Bearded Gents, see: previous post) as they do on blood sucking insects. If I had this many men biting my knee caps at 9:30 at night, I’d be in heaven or some sort of state-funded free clinic. But a girl takes what she can get.
The point is, I have 1 hour left until my 23rd birthday. Since moving to Tennessee, I have been pondering how I will spend this wretched day. I know, and I mean this in all seriousness, three people in this state. Yeah. That’s right. THREE PEOPLE. My yet to be conceived unborn child knows more than three people here. How much of a social train wreck am I that in three weeks of residency, I have only been in the company of three people? This fact alone makes me want to shave off my eyebrows.
But I need not get discouraged. I need to look at this as a character building experience. Sure, all of my family, friends, and random but familiar town hobos, are 900 miles away. But who cares? No big deal. I have my roommate’s Roku and an individually sized chocolate birthday cake my mother had delivered to my apartment today. Upon receiving the cake, I gave her cellular device a ring, just to thank her for the thought. The conversation went something like this.
Me: I got the cake, thank you! It looks amazing.
Mom: Are you sure?
Me: Yeah, I love it. Thank you.
Mom: I was really debating getting it. I didn’t want the fact that you have no one to share it with to depress you.
Me: Oh. Yeah. I actually didn’t think about that until you said it.
Me: Now I’m depressed.
Mom: Have you thought about going to a singles club?
This, ladies and gentlemen, was the single most depressing moment of my life, beating out last Valentine’s Day and the time in 6th grade social studies class when I got my period all over my desk chair. My mind immediately flashed to visions of glitter body cream, Lady Gaga remixes, and roofied vodka red bulls. Is fauxlitely pretending to be seduced by southern townies the way any young woman, on the cusp of fabricated break out stardom, should spend her birthday? I think not.
So instead of canoodling with a “good ole boy” in a Confederate flag wife beater stained with sweat and Natural Light, I have decided to ring in my birthday by creating a list of 22 things I accomplished while being 22.
- I learned how to spell the word “ulterior.”
- I lost 63 pounds.
- I wrote 75 pages of a novel.
- I sold a couch on Craigslist.
- I attended five concerts:
- Ramblin’ Jack Elliot
- Dave Matthews Band
- Bob Dylan
- Goo Goo Dolls (sucked)
- Ray LaMontagne
- I fell out of love with someone who was wrong for me.
- I quit my job and moved to Tennessee on my own.
- I casually dated 5-10 different losers, but who’s counting?
- I started this blog.
- I realized I have a pretty singing voice and should probably not be so shy about it.
- I learned how to shovel snow with a dust pan.
- I survived the coldest winter of my life without using heat.
- I realized its ok to cry over people who don’t deserve it.
- I flirted my way out of paying New York tolls and driving tickets.
- I made fantastic commission at a job where I did barely any work.
- I kissed and I told.
- I only overdrew my account once.
- I survived a painful divorce.
- I found a bra that fits.
- I grew my hair 7 inches.
- I realized for the first time in my life, that I’m kinda, sorta, pretty…once in awhile.
- I found an excellent recipe for Sangria.
So there you have it. My 22nd year, wrapped up in one verbose blog entry. I think tomorrow I’ll go to a local beach, or possibly a bluegrass festival nearby. Or maybe I’ll stay home, watch Roku and eat birthday cake, before putting on cowboy boots and heading to a local honky tonk in search of some good old fashioned birthday lovin’.
I am open to suggestions, recommendations, and redneck-produced death threats.
The girl who is almost 23
I can’t write. No seriously. Everything that I type has the overwhelming stench of failure permeating around it. I’m not used to this. Normally I write things of biblical showmanship and long term importance. Not today. Today is like the Old Testament, washed up and irrelevant, not to mention a serious downer. Lighten up, peeps. Check it.
I’m thinking perhaps it is the venue at which I am “writing.” Back in Pennsylvania there is this bistro, (please note: “bistro” is actually in the name of the business. I am not enough of a hipster to use that word on my own, and I’m not cultured enough to know what it means) that has free Wi-Fi and really fantastic kettle-cooked chips. I frequented it regularly, composing soul-seducing prose of global significance. Or flirtatious haikus for my online boyfriends. Whatever. Point is, that was an excellent location for me to get my freak on, from a literary stand point.
Now that I have moved to Tennessee I have been on the hunt for a similar location. For awhile I was spending time at this independent coffee house called Jozlaowerokjaskdljfkjwsw, or some J-word I can’t spell. But I was tired of paying $2.50 for a coffee just to use their sub par internet service. So I have come to use Panera Bread, where I can surf for free and make imaginary love to all the bearded men that spend time there.
Things started out great. I was dazzled by the low-fat smoothies and perfectly reliable appearance of Sexy Bearded Gents (SBG). But today, while sitting in the PB I find myself dumbfounded, unable to produce a single sentence worthy of my 3.5 daily readers.
What has happened to my charming wit and non-cliché turn of phrase? I fear I may have driven away my own creative thoughts by watching too many episodes of “Ice Loves Coco” and binge eating orange freeze pops. I am going to ponder this for the next 22 minutes, allowing time for the ovulation of my creativity to hopefully result in something as entertaining as watching two dragonflies get jiggy with it while hovering over the driver’s door handle of my car. I waited a good 2 ½ minutes before swatting them away. In my experience, that is more than enough time.
The girl who in a past life was a dragon fly
So, about a year ago I started “dieting.” I put this in quotes because admitting to dieting is like admitting to pleasuring yourself to a Zac Efron movie. Not really. But it is embarrassing for some reason. Anyone who has ever been overweight and made the decision to knock off a few pounds, can likely relate to the slight humiliation you experience when you tell someone who is thin, that the reason you cannot eat a piece of the cake they made for the office party is because you are dieting. (Please note: 92% of the time, this cake is contrived from a 200 year old recipe carried on by their recently deceased Jewish grandmother, who nearly lost it in a German concentration camp, but managed to retain it and bring it to America. It is to be made only for very special occasions and at maximum once per every five years.)
Said thin person’s eyes quickly scan your physique from head to toe, lingering on the marsupial belly hanging from the front of your body. Smiling slightly, they release a noise that sounds something like:
Awkward and unsure of what to say, you nod and smile. They break into a “smile/laugh” or a smaugh. I know you’re familiar. It’s the kind of facial expression that starts as a smile and turns into a laugh, with lots of bleached teeth showing.
“Well isn’t that…wonderful,” they continue. “Good for you, getting control of things.”
While on the surface this may sound polite, even encouraging to the untrained ear, I can see this type of comment for what it truly is. Passive aggressive bitch talk, also known as PABT. It implies that at one time you were “out of control” and your current appearance is a result of that. You can also deduce by their faux politeness, or fauxliteness, that what they are actually thinking is “I can’t believe you are just starting this now. If you really wanted to lose weight you would have stopped adding ½ cup of mozzarella cheese to your Lean Cuisine meals at lunch.”
As always, I have digressed.
Anyway, at the end of last June I began a diet. Things were ridiculous, even dare I say, out of control. During my last relationship and the utterly shitty marriage that followed, I gained a whopping 63 pounds. Oh yeah. You read that right. Sixty-three mother f***ing pounds. The madness had to stop.
So I began this diet and by late September lost a total of 50 pounds. Yay. But during this time I was doing outside sales for a chocolate company. You can see where this is going. As time passed I found that this diet was getting in the way of my over indulging in free chocolate and eating teaspoons of melted butter and sugar. So I quit that oppressive regimen and went “off the diet.”
The holidays came and passed. The New Year started and I was determined to start dieting again. My body however rejected this concept and maintained a lovely state of immobility from January to May. I’m not sure how I passed the time, but I do know I spent a lot of it eating Chinese takeout and watching The O.C. on my laptop. Amazingly, I only regained 5 pounds all year.
In early June I contracted a terrible stomach virus that helped me to lose a few pounds, getting the ball rolling toward my nonexistent “beach bod.” I took this opportunity to restart my diet.
Two days ago I weighed myself to reveal a total weight loss of 61 pounds, or 2/3 of Kate Moss. I am quite the happy Panda, which is coincidentally the baby animal I lost in weight.
So kudos to mah-self I guess. Two more pounds and it will be like I never got married at all. Holla.
The girl who is momentarily ignoring the fact that 2 pounds from now she will still be fat.
So apparently, Panera Bread attracts a large population of well-bearded men. All but one of the five men in my line of sight have beautiful, manly, tuggable beards that I want to play with until the wee hours of dawn.
Sitting on a laptop, hoping no one has noticed that I am drinking a coffee from somewhere else and never actually made a PB purchase, I can’t help but wonder why I am always being confronted by these sightings of manly beards that will never be mine to enjoy. I also have to wonder why all of these men are always at a minimum of ten years older than me, and when I will see a man in my dating age bracket that will satisfy my facial hair needs.
I’m pretty sure #48 has something to do with the fact that I am a 22 year old woman, picking my gingerbread man scab in the corner of a food service location.
Bring on the cats.
F*** that. I want an iguana.
The girl with a translucent farmer’s tan
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. Pennsylvania is basically the deep south of the north. For this reason, one would assume my recent relocation to Tennessee would be as easy a transition as switching from regular to lite mayonnaise. But since I am alone in my insistence that regular mayonnaise is the only mayonnaise option and lite tastes like ground up rat testicles, I will also insist, that this transition has not been easy.
The move has been a welcoming experience at best, and a padlocked, electric fenced sauna at worst. Everyone here is nice. All the time. No really, ALL the time. Milfy grandmother types come out of the woodwork while I’m walking down the street just to compliment my outfit. Children say “sir” and “ma’am” to anyone over 3 feet tall. But most importantly, I have yet to see one of those hanging rubber ball sacks so many of my male peers attach to their rear bumpers, in their chivalrous attempts to attract wife material and settle down. Though I do expect a sighting any day now.
Gas prices are lower and Sabra Hummus is cheaper ($2.99/container, suck on that Mason Dixon Line!), so I’m sure you are wondering what could possibly be the problem with my newfound Utopian lifestyle. Allow me to explain.
Mosquitoes are a summertime staple, I get that. But in my first week in Tennessee I counted 726 separate Mosquitoes bites on my mangled body. Or something more realistic. The exact amount is unimportant. What matters it that it was an all around bad time. I itched, I scratched, I took steel wool to the calf, but nothing. There was no relief to be had. But on the upside my painful itching was met by adorable gingerbread-man shaped scabs. Could they be friendlier? Well sure. But more charming? I think not!
Aside from my new skin-dwelling companions, my only major issue has been dealing with the heat. The air is thick, the heat is palpable. There is no escape from the 100+ degree weather I am being so rudely subjected to. These conditions have inspired angst, suicidal thoughts, and the following poem.
Burning: My Fiery Displeasure with the Tennessee Heat
By: The girl with sweat stained undergarments
I am burning
Every inch of my skin
Shriveled and red
From my three minute mailbox excursion
I am burning
Like the unfiltered urine
Of an actress in porn
After filming a twelve person orgy
I am burning
With the intense loathing I feel
For a heat no less brutal
Than a botched medieval abortion
I am burning
This seat buckle branding
Leaves permanent scars
I answer now only to “Ford”
I am burning
Leaving deep pools of sweat
On the leather car seats
Only Southern swamp ass destroys
I am burning
With regret as painful
And discomfort far exceeding
The chafed privates of a twelve year old boy
Despite my irrational sentiments, I have faith that over time either one of two things will happen. I will either:
A. Grow accustomed to these extreme conditions and later refer to this experience as a character-building tool much akin to walking 20 miles in the snow to get to school, or spending an afternoon watching Mob Wives.
Here’s hoping for option A.
The girl with evaporated tears
There have been several times these past few weeks when I’ve seen or heard something that could have incited an incredibly profound blog entry about something as important as people who drink the milk left over in a cereal bowl and people who discard it. But with my non menopausal “life transitioning” from a dowdy Pennsylvania girl, to a chic Tennessee woman, (please note, neither of these descriptions have any reflection on who I actually am) I have allowed myself to become intoxicated by both legal and illegal substances enough to distract me from my duties as an unpaid, unappreciated blogger.
I find myself with the constant urge to write and the inability to do so within the parameters of this blog. How many times will I have to ignore the overwhelming desire to blog about the pros and cons of dating a Charles Manson enthusiast? Or try to determine which is the most physically attractive fruit, bunched red grapes or sliced kiwi? I am being stifled both creatively and by the incessant Tennessee heat I am still growing accustomed to.
I need your blessing, reader, to break through the glass ceiling of this topical blog, and be free on the other side, where I can use the written word to express my innermost thoughts on my thighs that rub together and why I will always be alone.
Because this is unimportant and affects no one, I expect massive amounts of feedback. Anytime now.
The girl with textured fingernails