Daily Archives: March 14, 2012

Everything That Is Wrong With My New Relationship

Relationships are tough. If they weren’t, there would be a lot less Broken Condom Baby Traps (BCBT) plotted each year.

Haha, JK.

I don’t know what that is.

…anyway.

I’ve had my share of fecal abundant relationships in recent years, many of which I have spouted off about in this very blog. Evidently, accusations of slander and threats to my personhood mean nothing to me because I am about to do it again. For those of you who do not spend your free time in the tree outside my window, I will give you a little back story on my current “involvement,” (thanks MS Word thesaurus! ;))

In mid-January, I found myself lonely and searching for love, just as I have the last 23 years of my life. Late night webcam conversations with hot foreign dudes and slightly homosexual thoughts about Amanda Seyfried ceased to keep me warm at night, so I decided to try “dating” again.  I met the gentleman in question, we’ll call him Walter Von Trapp…

er…Milton Lebowitz

…um…

Gerard. There we go.

I met Gerard in mid-January. We had a very nice first date of sushi and abundant conversation. I was pleased to learn that like myself, he too talks during movies so much it made the black people behind us look shy. I was diggin’ it. But then 3-4 (who’s counting) weeks passed and I, being my neurotic, emotionally retarded self, avoided any face to face interaction with my potential boo (thanks Urban Dictionary!).

He addressed my obvious problems, things worked out, and we went out a few more times. He made Valentine’s Day dinner, gave me the flu before I went away, and organized a bitchin’ weekend in Philadelphia after I got home. So yeah, things sound pretty great. On the surface.

If there is one thing I have learned from my perpetual romantic misery it’s that legitimate relationships suck the life out of you. If they don’t something is clearly wrong. So to work through my concerns I have decided to analyze all of the reasons my new relationship is shitter-bound.

1.  No signs of schizophrenia –It has been almost two months of involvement and I have yet to stab myself with an umbrella or dry heave “I Will Survive” out of frustration with my partner’s mental incapacities. He’s normal and I don’t know how to deal with it.  It may seem like a good thing that he doesn’t own a collection of straight jackets or have a human doll fetish, but this presumed normalcy makes me a little uncomfortable. After all, if he’s mentally stable, how will he deal with me when I reveal my inner psycho, cutting off contact for three days after having a dream that he cheated on me, or bursting into tears during America’s Next Top Model? I’m afraid. Very afraid.

2.  Girly Body Wash – Though our Philadelphia weekend was indeed bitchin’ I learned something about Gerard I’d rather not know. Since we were staying in a hotel when I got up for my morning shower, I was unfortunately unable to rifle through his personal belongings like I would had we been at his place. In desperation I did the next best thing and perused his shower accessories. Though I was happy to see that he is anything but hygienically-challenged, I was slightly horrified at one particular discovery: Apricot Orange body wash.

Everyone who knows me knows I could never seriously date a man who uses body wash. I like my men really rugged, and hairy, and dirty, and irrationally masculine. The kind that picks up my loofa and asks if it’s a tampon. You know what I’m saying? No? Ok.

I spent my shower time brainstorming various digs. Various comments that could emasculate him even more than the use of Apricot Orange body wash. But I could think of nothing so extreme so I decided to drop it. Unfortunately for Gerard, my wits only temporarily escaped me and I spent the rest of our time together berating him. Amazingly enough, he still wants to see me.

Maybe I should just let this one go.

3.  He’s baselessly supportive of me – Unlike previous fellas who told me things like “you weren’t funny until you met me,” Gerard seems to be convinced that I had a personality prior to meeting him.  I’m not sure where he gets this idea since everyone knows women aren’t capable of formulating thoughts independent of their male counterparts, but his insistence that I am “witty” and “amazing” and a “good writer,” tells me he must have ulterior motives of some kind. Perhaps he is plotting a BCBT. It’s really impossible to say. All I know is you can’t trust a guy who doesn’t try to belittle you at every opportunity. It’s just not normal.

Since I’m not in the business of predicting the future, outside of telling others that theirs is doomed, I am not going to say whether or not this relationship will last much longer than my next period. But things have been good so far and if my top three concerns are any indication of how little is actually wrong, it’s safe to say it’ll probably be awhile until I post another hopelessly bitter blog about broken hearts and Ryan Gosling. So in the meantime I can only hope that the rest of my life crumbles around me so I have something else to write about.

Until next time, stay ugly so I feel pretty.

Love,

The girl with a crush on the All State raccoon.

Like peaches n' cream.