Things I Brag About That No One Should Brag About — Part I.

I’m weirdly arrogant. You might assume with all of my self-deprecating hate speak I am a licensed wrist cutter, but no. I actually suffer from crippling arrogance. I might be upset about it if I wasn’t so busy blogging about it. Thank God for the Internet. And Bill Nye. That’s unrelated.

what up, bitch

Anyway, here are a few things I brag about, that no one should brag about.

 

My weird relationship with body hair.

I have a weird relationship with body hair. People don’t get it. I don’t get it.

It’s like, I want to find it disgusting, but I can’t. Like how I feel about Russel Brand or used Q-tips. Unhygienic and riddled with bodily fluids, I’d still let them penetrate my ears. The Q-tips, not Russel Brand. Katy Perry sucks.

But, it’s hard to explain my attraction to body hair.

It’s like…

Hair…

On the body…

Whoa.

When I think of guys with body hair I think of two things:

1. Shaving the Superman logo onto his chest and

Superchest Man

 

2. That in the right lighting, I would probably have sex with an orangutan.

Skeet, skeet, mothaf***a

 

Instead of acknowledging this as a fetish with a 1987 expiration date, I brag about it. People just don’t get it the way I do. Which leaves me no other option but to belittle those who disagree with me, accusing the women of being lesbians, and the men of being mid-transition transsexuals. Like Khloe Kardashian.

Jk, Khlo! *Kisses*

Not really.

 

How Infrequently I Urinate

I was born with a massive bladder. At least that’s what I tell people. While this sort of statement may not impress in the same way as, say a vestigial tail or second vagina, I still find the words “internal fanny pack” escaping my lips whenever I participate in long road trips or conversations involving Chuck Norris.

Such an asset leads to an excess of useless conversation. At least once every 72 hours, I say one of the following things:

  1. I’ve only peed once since Thursday.
  2. Wow, I haven’t peed since 6:00 am.
  3. Some people really pee a lot. I don’t pee a lot.
  4. Use the bathroom? Girl, please.
  5. You can get pregnant from that?!

Eh hem, yeah. You can.

 

Reasons I Have Ended Relationships

The 2011 family reunion

Much like an early 20th century Appalachian family, every time mine convenes we spend our time entertaining one another with folk tales of the crazy ass bitches we recently dumped. Since I’m like, so totally unhinged, I tend to lead these conversations.

I like to open with my story of Bernard, the Waffle House casa nova, follow up with Jehovah the 5’6 cuddle monster, and close with Pedro, the divorced –er, I mean separated, whoops – I mean separated but still living together, yikes – I mean married with an open relationship, damn –I mean married and talking kids, dude I briefly considered.

I pantomime this humiliation, the crowds go wild, and I am left feeling proud and in serious denial of how pathetic my life has truly been.

 

Man alive, I’m on top of the world. I better do something to knock myself off of this high horse.

Oh, wait. I woke up today. Done.

Love,

The girl with hips that lie

About thegirlwiththeblog

At any given time I can be found moisturizing my elbows and searching for words that rhyme with orange.

Posted on March 19, 2012, in life lessons I never wanted to learn and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. Too funny! I can relate to the fanny pack bladder…

  2. 1. Are you saying that on a Tuesday you could potentially say “I haven’t peed since Thursday”, as in LAST Thursday (?), in which case, R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

    2. I can relate to the body hair thing.

    3. Does that mean you have loooooong conversations about Chuck Norris?

    4. Talking about relationships ending is better than an episode for Frasier! But then, everything is…

    • 1. No. I’m saying that within 72 hours I am definitely going to say at least one of those things. More often than not, “you can get pregnant from that?” IN which case, no respect necessary.

      2. You mean you dig body hair like whoa?

      3. I just wanted to make a Chuck Norris reference, regardless of making sense. I just wanted fit in *cries*

      4. Kelsey Grammar can go f*** himself.

      That’s all.

      PS: Did you think of Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada when you read “That’s all”? Cause that is totally what I was going for.

      • 1. Fair enough.

        2. Totes.

        3. Chuck Norris can go f*** himself (looks left and right for signs of Norris Knuckle)

        4. Totes.

        PS – DWP is one of the few Meryl Streep films I do NOT like, so, no, I did not know that was what you were going for.

  3. Watch out, I might just fight you for that orangutan! This one…in particular…I’d love to be the other half of his velcro…http://www.evanne.se/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Mark-Ruffalo.jpg

  4. I once stopped seeing a girl because, after using a fake suicide threat to get me into bed (I know, like it would have been that hard), she gave my number to her boyfriend who I didn’t know about, so he could call me.

    And damn, that’s one hell of a bladder.

  5. She sounded like a keeper, Rob.

  6. I second Jenn’s Orangutan velco….but would like to add, it should be hot, sweaty Orangutan velcro parting slowly….so you feel the drape of hair!

  7. So, along the lines of the whole body hair thing, how do you feel about Robin Williams?

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