Welcome New Readers, Old Readers, and Vietnamese Pedophiles! – The Girl With the Blog Guided Tour

Sometimes I worry about how much I have in common with Octomom.

Both attention seekers, rippled with stretch marks, pretending that the Internet’s validation of our existence isn’t the glue holding our very feeble lives together. The resemblance is uncanny.

Just a regular Sunday

But having my most recent blog post Freshly Pressed was a deeply disarming occurrence in my life. Don’t get me wrong. It may just be the best thing that has ever happened to me – which I would hope either makes you feel really happy for me, really depressed, or slightly aroused. The latter for the sake of my ego. Both foreign and domestic Internet pervs complete me.

Nevertheless, being Freshly Pressed did result in some fine things happening to me and my blog. Like this:

And this:

But mostly this:

I realize the everyday pretentious blogger may scoff at 167 subscribers, but the everyday pretentious blogger also doesn’t require his/her subscribers to admit to “wanting to be a sucker” before subscribing. Plus this is 104 more subscribers than I had last week.

So…

Yeah…

 

So I was thinking since I have 104 new people to become acquainted with before they inevitably decide they can’t tolerate me, I will take this opportunity to further introduce myself and my blog and hopefully alienate only a handful of you. Here we go “little suckers” – or something more affectionate and less creepy.

http://www.thegirlwiththeblog.com – A Guided Tour

You are good honest people and I’m not going to lie to you. I write a lot of crap. This isn’t me being cute and self-deprecating. This is me keeping it real like Dr. Phil. I’d like to tell you that everything written prior to the day you subscribed is a gold mine of wit and exuberant talent, but in May I wrote an entire blog entry about the song “She Blinded Me With Science.” So really, I’m mostly a hack.

To help you filter through my literary feces I’m going to point you in the direction of some of my blog entries that I wish had been Freshly Pressed, or acknowledged by anyone other than disapproving family members.

Six (more) Characteristics of My Future Ex Husband

Real Women Have Confidence

The Charms and Harms of My Mother’s Man

The Girl Who Shouldn’t Have a Blog

Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy Comments Make Me Want to Die: A Discussion of Phony Female Empowerment

Why Gay Marriage Should Never Be Legalized and America Rocks!!!

The Great Plights of Humanity – Four Issues Untouched in the GOP Debate

How Ryan Gosling and Lifehouse Songs Have Ruined My Life

…I’m over this. I have roughly 90 posts. Read them. Or don’t. Whatever.

So in addition to the above links, as a new subscriber to TGWTB there are some things you should know

1. I am the asshole boyfriend of the WordPress blogosphere. I don’t write regularly, in fact sometimes I don’t write at all. For weeks. Months even.  You send emails, I shrug you off. You start to forget about me. You think to yourself “this f***wad doesn’t deserve my body or my time.” Then BAM. I am blogging every day the month of May, confusing you, annoying you, seducing you with my melodrama before once again vanishing for weeks at a time for the length of the summer. I’m like Rip Van Winkle, without the good excuse.

sweet beard, brah

2. I’m only 5’4 so I stand on a lot of soap boxes. I hope you dig it.

3. Receiving email notifications about blog comments, likes, and new subscribers brings me greater pleasure than any man or instant pudding mix ever could.

That’s all.

The Girl – The Abridged Version

Pretty much everything there is to know about me can be found in the “About the Girl” section of this blog. But to avoid this post coming off as one mother of a pimp fest for my blog (although, I mean…yeah…) I provide you with the following insights into my psyche:

1. At least 3 times a week I eat something with mold on it, only to lie awake in bed at night wondering if I’m going to die because I am allergic to penicillin and wasn’t penicillin discovered through mold on an orange? Or was that something else? Why did I have to listen to Dashboard Confessional and cry during high school Chemistry?

2. I hate people with really narrow feet. More than I should. More than anyone should hate anyone.

3. While sitting at my desk in a bra and shorts, I determined that the real reason clothes were invented is to distract fat people from how gross they look naked.  I’m fat. I’m allowed to say this. And I’m not that fake fat blogger who only talks about being fat to appeal to lonely people in Idaho. I’m genuinely fat. So much to the point that I had to put on clothing so I could concentrate on something other than my fatness. Like writing this blog that ends with me talking about being fat. Awesome.

That’s all.

So please old readers, new readers, and Vietnamese pedophiles who somehow find my blog, please read me, write me, and call me, maybe. But most importantly, share 3 things about you that make you as effed up as me. Then we can freeze each other’s bras and practice french kissing.

Happy to have you 🙂

Love,

The girl who only feels entitled to call herself female for the one hour directly following leg shaving

 

About thegirlwiththeblog

At any given time I can be found moisturizing my elbows and searching for words that rhyme with orange.

Posted on July 31, 2012, in ramblings about writing and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 27 Comments.

  1. You are an evil genius of offbeat humor. Good stuff. Good numbers. Good luck.

  2. 1. I am the needy counterpart to your “asshole boyfriend of the WordPress blogosphere”. I check my stats more than I’m prepared to quantify for you today via my iphone at work, at red lights, while people are talking to me…you get the idea.
    2. I recently spent $50 on vintage (used) knobs for my desk. Yep. It’s OK if you delete this comment now.
    3. When I have a really bad day, I mean a really really bad one, I take Pillsbury crescent roll dough, the one in a can, and I fry it. It tastes like a warm doughnut or self loathing, I’m not sure which.

    I think I win.

  3. I didn’t know you were Freshly Pressed. I hate you! Sorry, I mean… I HATE YOU. Sorry… I mean… congratulations! 🙂

    Genuinely, congratulations. It couldn’t have happened to a more deserving asshole boyfriend of Word Press. Yay!! So happy for you!!

    I would list three things that make me as effed up as you, however I feel like you know my soul by now and you could probably name more than three things about me that make me effed up, making the entire thing an unnecessary exercise in telling you things you know combined with shattering my dignity.

    Again. Yay! All my blog friends are getting Freshly Pressed, which makes me brilliant by association. Right?

  4. What is it about narrow feet that get you?

    • I don’t hate all narrow feet or all people who have them. That was an overzealous statement based on something that happene dthe day I wrote this blog. Here’s what went down:

      I was at work, tired of going on Facebook and refershing my site stats page, so I pretended I needed to use the bathroom. The bathroom was empty which is the only way a bathroom with multiple stalls should ever be. So I went into the center stall and sat there a few minutes, bored, uncertain of what to do, playing with the toilet paper like a party streamer, when I heard the door open, and the pitter-patter of feet flocking across the room to the bordering stall. I looked down at the culprit’s feet, because I really enjoy doing that sort of thing, and they were tiny, spiny, narrow little feet, with pink toenails and strappy sandals and I instantly recognized them as a woman I work with who I dislike for reasons that have nothign to do with her feet but everything to do with her personality and irritating voice. However with my limited visuals, the only thing I could focus on hating was her feet. As I stared at her feet I started to think about all of the narrow footed people I hav emet in my life and how they always seem to be the people I dislike most. SO I started to ponder if there is some sort of genetic code used to design assholes that aligns best with the same genetic code used to design narrow feet. I determined that the two are most definitely related and several hours later wrote a post damning all narrow footed people.

      Try to outdo my crazy now, gurl.

  5. 1. I have an overwhelming urge to pop other people’s pimples and pluck their mole hairs.
    2. I feel guilty and like a loser when I take naps or sleep in.
    3. I have narrow feet.

    • 1. I understand the urge, but have you ever actually poped someone’s pimple for them, without them asking? Further, have you ever popped a pimple of a person in their sleep and then when they woke up pretended nothing happened? Because that’s happened to me before, but it wasn’t my pimple being popped, if you catch my drift.

      2. I feel guilty and like a loser all the time, so if yours is limited to when you nap or sleep in, you’re ahead of the game.

      3. I am convinced you only have narrow feet so that I will hate you. What say you?

  6. 1.) I am ridiculously OCD about how I eat things like Skittles and fruit snacks. I separate them by color then eat them so that there is an even number of each color, and then I eat them in the order of the rainbow. I do this with Lucky Charms as well, eating the oats first, and then eating the marshmallows in order of the rhyme (heart, stars, horseshoes, etc.). Needless to say, it could take upwards of half an hour for me to finish a bowl of cereal.
    2.) I make it a point to visit the toy section of stores like Wal-mart every single time I go in. I spend way too much money on bubbles and light sabers than should be legal for a 21 year old without kids of her own.
    3.) I tend to correct people’s grammar under my breath without even realizing it.

    Love your blog. It makes me happy.

    • 1. I do this too. It’s totally normal!!!!!
      1b. Actually I just reread that. You organize them by the order of the rhyme? That’s not normal. You’re a freak. What is wrong with you?
      1c. I’m just kidding. You’re amazing and I”m jealous. I wish I could take a half an hour to eat a bowl of cereal instead of 30 seconds of hypervenitlation, followed by hours of self hatred.

      2. If there is anything that could make you feel good about being a live, it’s bubbles. You got this shit covered.

      3. I wish everyone did this.

      I’m glad you love my blog and I’m glad it makes you happy! Someone has to be (cries). Not really.

  7. 1) I can’t brush my teeth in the bathroom because it weirds me out
    2) sometimes it’s fun to squish the sir out of bread
    3) I waste millions of hours on blogs 😉

  8. People with narrow feet suck! They get to wear adorable shoes us wide-footed people can only dream of wearing!

  9. 1. I hold my pencil like a strange, homeschooled freak.
    2. I identify way to much with Michael Douglas in “Falling Down”
    3. I stumble upon the blogs of people I used to talk to and spend too long reading them.

    • Wait. Whoa.

      Are you saying we used to talk? If that’s the case, WHO ARE YOU?!?!

      I think I know based on the email address you used to leave this comment however. Yeah. Tell me who you are. I don’t think I like this kind of tease.

      • afterthelightsgoout

        Your suspicions are correct. I found this and don’t know how to get in touch with you anymore. No teasing I swear, reading through some posts made me want to say a few things. Also the Pawn Stars people just bought a copy of Self Portrait for $50. WTF. I’m also mortified at my misuse of “to” in the previous comment. I’m stopping now.

      • HOW did you find this?! Seriously I need to know…for future marketing of course 😉 How long have you been reading it?

        I saw that episode of Pawn Stars and they talked to Bob and it made my heart flutter really uncomfortably.

        If you want to get in touch add me on Facebook or email me or something lol. Get creative, son! YOu don’t want to keep embarrassing yourself with poor grammar on here 😉

      • I’d also like to add

        #4: Sometimes I outsmart myself and forget my really clever code-name when I make second reply

  10. I didn’t know anyone could focus on their computer with their clothes off. I like fat feet. it means you don’t wear shoes. you’re a funny girl.. I guess that’s what attracts vietnamese pedophiles.

    • You’re right. If I looked good naked, I would be too busy staring at myself and taking Myspace pics to write. First world skinny girl problems I guess.

      And thank you! I’m glad someone aside from Vietnamese pedophiles finds me endearing 🙂

  11. Yes, I’m leaving another comment. I’m secretly hoping we’ll become the best of blog friends…oops..secret’s out. Anywhoo…you know the Octomom did a porno right!? So unless you’re hiding that from your readers, you still have a ways to go. I like the “nice beard brah”, it made me think of Jenna Marbles.
    1. Like that other guy up there, I’m also an avid checker of my stats..only to find out that I had an impressive 5 views! Go me! What I don’t understand is even though I link my posts to my Facebook page and profile, obviously my friends don’t read my blog. They hate me 😦
    2. I have an intense dis-like of people that eat popcorn at the movies.
    3. I sometimes sit in bars alone, reading a book or studying a language…just not on the weekend. For some reason, people think this is weird, and usually do annoying things to distract me, like bang on the table as they walk by. What the heck?!

    I hope this comment makes you feel warm and gooey inside. Me love you long time! 😉

    • Why did this take me three years to respond to?

      “You’re a mean girl, Lena! You’re a bitch!”

      Hopefully you recognized that as a Mean Girls quote and not just me awkwardly talking to myself in third person. Whatevs.

      I think it is definitely a good idea for us to become best blog friends. It would make up for my lack of friends in real life ;p

      (side note: I don’t know why every sentence of this response gets its own indentation. I can’t explain that)

      I did know Octomom made a porno. I told you we had a lot in common.

      1. I don’t know how I managed to mislead the world, but I am also an avid “site stats” checker. The difference is, that even if I don’t post something for weeks at a time, giving the impression that I don’t care, I actually do. As I continue to torture myself with dwindling stats, expected Internet users to flock to my actionless blog. Maybe they would if I posted my porn.

      2. I eat popcorn at movies. But usually popcorn that I popped at home and put in a brown lunch bag, like a bottle of rum, secretly consuming it hoping not to be judged.

      3. I’m sorry people bang on the table as they walk by you in the bar. That’s terribly rude. All I can think is that they are sexually frustrated and would rather bang you, but your book and language studies makes them feel inadequate, leaving them nothing but their own primal body language to express their lust. Doesn’t that make you feel like, so good about yourself?

      Let’s be warm and gooey together. Ew. Too far? Maybe.

      • It DID take you awhile! I thought maybe you thought I was too stalkerish…but I’m so glad you are cool with us being best blog friends! Yay!
        I’m sure tons of people would like to see your porn…I have no problem bringing in snacks, but popcorn is so stinking noisy!
        And for 3, it does make me feel good about myself! Thanks! And we can most certainly be warm and gooey together…it’s just the right amount of innuendo, and silliness 😉

  12. spotmagicsolis

    U right gud.

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