Memoirs of an A-Hole

By now I think it is clear that I am not doing a post-a-day October. I lied to you all. I didn’t even try.

This very fact, coupled with the rest of my life, has reminded me that I am sort of an asshole. I am not saying this to be adorable or self deprecating, like when I talk about how fat I am or my confusion about how anyone can love me. I’m being straight with you. Like Anderson Cooper. Until he wasn’t.

See, I have been struggling with my asshole tendencies for years. When I was in 4thgrade my family relocated to a new school. As I hugged my old friends goodbye, taking pictures on a disposable camera I would never develop, they gave me their phone numbers and cried and asked that we keep in touch, to which I enthusiastically agreed. But as we embraced, the thought quite distinctly crossed my mind, “I will never talk to you again. Have a nice life. I want my troll ring back.”

Stylin’ yo

Now don’t get me wrong. I have made strides to cushion my assholeness. I have mastered the great first impression; smiling a lot, listening well, wearing clothing that deemphasizes my love handles. But therein lies the problem! I may seem like your regular socially gifted, well-endowed, appropriately humored (sometimes), master of all would-be awkward things were I not so fantastic at being alive, but in reality I am a socially-awkward fat kid, disguising my flaws as endearing qualities in order to make people like me, until I am certain they do and can officially stop talking to them. Again, not being self-deprecating. Just keeping it real. Like JLo. Until she wasn’t.

 But it seems the older I get, the bigger asshole I become. For example. One day about 9 months ago I logged into Facebook to find that 10-15 people were celebrating their birthdays. Ridiculous. After mulling over each person’s name and determining that I just don’t care enough, I proceeded to incinerate that mental note with my red hot laziness and go back to cyber stalking the elementary school classmates I never put the effort into speaking to again. This was almost a year ago, but has now become a habit.  A bad habit. Now I don’t even say Happy Birthday to people I actually want to say Happy Birthday to. It’s like, I’m afraid if I do, people will know I am capable of doing it and will therefore take it personally when I ultimately determine that they are not worth the time. So I instead choose to ignore everyone so no one can take it personally, but everyone can think I’m an asshole.

I wish this was only limited to empty Facebook interactions, but it’s not. I don’t email people back. I ignore text messages, tweets, voicemails, BLOG COMMENTS. I don’t deserve the attention. I don’t deserve the affection or the friendship. But I will continue to take it until you stop wanting to give it. Then I will ninja my way back into your life and make you love me, or miss me, or need me in some way, before vanishing once again into the abyss of social networking that ironically decreases my ability to be social or network.

So I just wanted to write this blog entry so every one of my blog readers, Facebook stalkers, and disappointed relatives can have some form of validation from me and know that despite my actions, I DO care about you. I DO appreciate when you take the time to contact me. My actions may not prove it, but my words verify it. And we all know that shit’s real.

Love,

The girl who calls her boyfriend “button”

 

About thegirlwiththeblog

At any given time I can be found moisturizing my elbows and searching for words that rhyme with orange.

Posted on October 5, 2012, in life lessons I never wanted to learn and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. Who cares. Let’s do lunch. 😀

  2. I don’t care. Let’s do lunch. 😀

  3. Very funny. I am an asshole too! Congrats for coming out.

  4. Just a few points:
    A) you ruined your asshole persona at the end by saying you appreciated everyone.
    B) it’s ARSEhole not ASShole (unless you are specifically referring to the hole of a donkey, in which case, cool)
    C) actually, it’s not that cool, because this exists: http://youtu.be/C1BePpr7xW0
    D) I got a little off track there
    E) so when can we expect you to post again? December? A-hole.
    F) hilarious, as per usual

    • A.) I can never ruin my asshole persona, since I only show the worst sides of myself on this blog.
      B.) I was specifically referring to the hole of a donkey, if you know what I’m saying, which I think you do, since you had to remind me of what I am talking about.
      C.) I think that makes it even cooler.
      D.) I got a little on track, if you know what I’m saying, which I think you do. Or maybe not. I don’t know.
      E.) Serious answer: I am going to try to post more regularly and reply to my comments before their expiration date. We’ll see if I can mantain this sort of commitment
      F.) Duh.
      G.) I’m glad we both know the alphabet. Writing might be hard otherwise.

  5. Tell the truth: You’re just stalking your old school friends so you can get your toll rings back, right?

  6. I don’t do the happy birthday thing either. If I start now, where does it end??

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