This Thanksgiving I am Fat and Grateful (these things are not related)

Obligatory image reminder that this post will at some point mention Thanksgiving. Also I drew this today at work. Be jealous.

They say that you know you’re gaining weight when black guys start hitting on you.

I’m not sure if anyone says this.

But I know I am gaining weight because aside from black guys hitting on me and the self-abusive conversation I have with myself each morning about the progression of my third trimester (I’m not pregnant), I recently got a speeding ticket. I know that is not a measurable factor here, but I have never been ticketed in the past. This is typically what happens when I get pulled over:

I lean out the window and ask, frantic and alarmed:

“IS EVERYTHING OKAY?!?!?!”

As if I am being pulled over to counsel him on marital troubles or American Idol voting techniques. He replies something about a child chasing a ball, and no crossing guard around, and federal imprisonment. I sigh, relieved, and hand him my license, unable to find my insurance or car registration.

After about 12 minutes of probing questions, among other things 😉 I am asked to avoid schools zones and any properties containing live, white children, and detour through the ghetto anytime I want to drive recklessly.

Pretty solid.

But unfortunately that only works when your body is not protruding past the restraint of your seat belt and your eyes aren’t being forced back into their sockets by pounds of cheek and eyebrow fat. Therefore I maintain that the only explanation for my receiving a ticket is the blubber effect. Definitely not the driving 53 in a 25. No. That can’t be it.

I’m blaming my weight gain on a number of factors, most of which I will not have the time or patience to tell you about. Here are three I can stomach. Hehehe. I’m so clever.

1. My ever increasing American guilt. Perhaps it is my preference to radical liberal politics over false patriotic conservative politics that results in the inordinate amount of time I spend each day mourning Middle Eastern people I will never meet. Not just because they’re dead. But mostly because they’re dead. This leaves me depressed and anxious and forced to resort to binging on food no Middle Eastern person would ever eat. Not just because they’re dead. But, really, mostly because they’re dead.

2. Sushi. When eaten by Japanese people or bulimic teenagers, sushi can be very healthy. But when eaten by an American woman at a Chinese buffet 10 minutes away from her house, once a weekend, sometimes twice, depending on how much she hates herself that day, it is not good. It is embarrassing. Not quite a “legitimate rape” comment, but definitely a “binders full of women.”

Too excellent to not be shared

3. Co-workers birthdays and other work-related food-oriented events. Every day in my office someone is either turning 50, hitting menopause, or inviting a politician to tour the school, all of which are equally disgraceful and handled with mass quantities of food. Even when I am trying to eat healthy I am bombarded with oatmeal cookies, or cheddar cheese slices, or Halloween candy hoarded away in my desk drawer. There is no escape!

I realize this doesn’t sound like a Thanksgiving Day post yet, but allow me to explain. My obsession with my weight sounds a little insecure. But I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m grateful that I am insecure and in a constant state of emotional anguish. Why? It keeps me from being a dick.

If you know anything about me, you know that the leading cause in my life is asshole prevention. If I lost weight and became confident and hot, I’d become even more self-involved and arrogant than I already am, and before you know it I’d be someone really evil like Kourtney Kardashian.

So to sum this whole thing up, this Thanksgiving I am grateful for many things.I am grateful for insecurities that keep me grounded. I am grateful for police officers that don’t tase me. I am grateful for the black guys who hit on me. I am grateful for my sister who is a registered dietician who will help me lose weight again. I am grateful for my boyfriend who I never talk about but exists quite fully in my life. I am grateful for the new wiper blades on my car.  But lastly I am  grateful for this, taken from the Facebook page of a person I actually know:

Doesn’t get much better than that.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I hope you are all grateful for something (me).

Love,

The girl who last year was thankful for assholes, but this year is thankful for mouths. Ew.

About thegirlwiththeblog

At any given time I can be found moisturizing my elbows and searching for words that rhyme with orange.

Posted on November 22, 2012, in Misguided attempts at holiday blogging and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. I’m thankful that British dudes like me, they really like me (I think they’re neutral about my fat, but as Brit Hub 1.0 put it a LONG time ago, “It’s a package deal” meaning the parts he liked a lot went with the fat. Then he added, “It’s just that our heads fit together so well,” which is one of the loveliest compliments I ever got.

    I need to get me one of those register dietician sisters, though. Mine’s an evil psychiatric social worker and NOT a nice person. I’m thankful for her, though, because she set a lot of the balls rolling that make me who I am. I still avoid her, but I’m glad she exists…

    • Sometimes being glad someone exists is the best we can hope for! But I’d be happy to loan out my RD sister.

      I think “It’s just that our heads fit together so well” could/should be used in a movie or book. Consider that, lol

  2. This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for my girlfr….Oh, wait….

  3. I think this just proves something that we already knew…that God is thankful for “big booty females”.

  4. Shit, you have been busy! Where did all these posts come from?!

    You logic seems quite sound. I must say, I am very intrigued about the idea of you becoming super super skinny and turning into a mega bitch. What a different blog this would be. Each post would be like an episode of Glee. Or Popular. Or some other shitty High School Drama about prissy bitches. Either way, it would be amazing.

    Thankfully, it is already amazing. BTW – props for the subtle mention of you BF.

    #yougogirrrrrrrrrrrl

    Oh. Wait…

    • It seems like I’ve been busy when in reality it’s just been so long since I’ve written anything that a few mediocre blog post in a week makes me seem like a real life blogger. Illusions I assure you.

      Yeah, I hope to keep any and all weightloss from actually reaching the point of super super skinny. That doesn’t appeal to me at all. I would however like to reach the point of “moderately healthy” so hopefully that won’t turn me into a pompous douche. But it probably will.

      Thanks for the props and for the hashtag! I know it was meant as a slight 😉

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