Monthly Archives: January 2013

“Why I Hate Answering the Phone”: A Story About Work

Dear erratic possibly-possessed, asshole who called me today at work just to scream at me for 20 minutes (also known as Tom Johnston),

Thank you. I have been waiting for a reason to cry at work for months now, but I could never find one. I don’t know what I would have had to do if you hadn’t been transferred to my desk to interrupt my pleasant mood with your ill-conceived attempt at being a human being.  Thrown myself down a flight of stairs? Stapled my face? Nope. Didn’t have to. Your phone call made tears possible without self-mutilation, and I thank you for that.

I want you to know, that I appreciate all that you bring to the world. Your problems are my fault, really. I’m sorry I ever doubted the role I played in your 46 years of misery on this planet. Clearly if I could sacrifice my entire existence for one moment of your happiness, I would, but I am certain it would never be enough. So I’d like to apologize to you for your life.

I’m sorry. Truly I am. I am sorry that a GED has only earned you $150,000 working on Wall Street, (although a terrible fate for a high school drop-out, this could explain a lot about the downfall of the American economy). I am sorry that your son, the consumer of my company’s product, could not talk to you openly about his decision to purchase it. You are after all, such a warm and sensitive man. Any child would be poorly lacking without you in their life.36jq6y

But mostly, sir, I feel sorry for you. There, I said it. Because after I stopped crying and your intrusive phone call stopped replaying in my head, I went back to being me, and you are stuck being you, an overpaid, nasty, rapid baboon of a person, whose personal life is so out of reach your only solace is to interject 20 minutes of unprecedented rudeness into another person’s life, via telephone calls. I may make a quarter of what you make, with double the education, but I’m far better off than you’ll ever be.

Plus you’re a raging c***.


The girl too stubborn to hang up, too sensitive to brush it off


Under Construction

WordPress is giving me grief. It has deleted my most recent post and replaced it with my initial draft. I will not be posting until I figure this out. For those of you who have read the article I previously posted about Saudi Arabia, I apologize for any confusion.

Thank you.

70 year old man, marries 15 year old girl…Western World Indifferent?

The human race either needs to evolve or die off entirely.

I know. Good morning to you, too.

I guess I should forwarn regular readers of my blog, that this entry is going to be about as funny as Carrot Top, so don’t expect to laugh . It is topical and current and will leave you feeling there is no hope left in the world. Or simply indifferent, as the title would suggest.

Now, typically when I write topical blog posts, I do so the moment I begin to feel a tremor of interest in a topic, before I decide how I truly feel about it, and before I know if I have any facts straight. You know. Like cable news. So this time I decided to give myself 24 hours to ferment in anger and all around disgust before sharing my thoughts. But when I woke up this morning I was angry, which isn’t a good look for me and decided for the sake of my appearance, I would withold my feelings no more.

Which brings me back to my initial statement. The human race either needs to evolve or die off entirely. I’m not bitter, just realistic, and there are plenty of examples of why what I say is true; school shootings, American politics, the popularity of Honey Boo Boo, etc.  But in this case, I am referring to the dangerous combination of headline news and Internet anonymity.

Yesterday the Internet was all a-twitter with a news story regarding a 70 year old man in Saudi Arabia, marrying a 15 year old girl who he purchased from her family for a US monetary equivalent of $20,000. The story become international news when the man contacted authorities about being “ripped off” when the girl ran away. I thought it was a given that this is a completely disgusting, tragic event, not only because of age difference but the very fact that human trafficking and slavery exists so openly in undeveloped parts of the world, never mind existing quietly in Western culture. However it wasn’t the headline that shocked me, but the reader comments.

Although a healthy majority of reader comments were aimed at the sadness of this situation, there was also a disturbingly large amount of people making jokes, calling it a scam on the old man, defending the practice as “heritage” or “culture,” and generally spouting indifference. Here are a few examples:








Again, these are only selected comments I have copied from a few different articles. I am not arguing that this is in any way a reflection of the majority of people in Western society. However the stark lack of empathy demonstrated in these comments says a lot about who and what we breed in our “first world.”

Many people argue that this issue is an example of “heritage” “culture” and “religion,” and that is partially true. It is a tradition of humanity to enslave miniorities, and particularly women, as seen in most cultures at some point in history. However if the excuse we are making for this man, the girls’ parents, and millions of others who have participated in human trafficking, is that it is part of their culture, what excuse do we have for the people above who have had the presumed benefit of Western education and upbringing?

The truth is, there is not much we can do as individuals to actually provoke change in other cultures. But we can control how we react to it and the example we choose to set in our own. Several of the people above as well as people I did not quote proudly profess their indifference.

“I don’t even know that girl so I feel sorry for no one” 

“Get over it, that’s the way it is in that country. Not our business”

Am I unevolved if my first reaction is to beat these bitches down? Yes, probably. But I truly can’t understand the argument that it is not our business to care.


It is not our business to have any sort of empathy or interest or sickened gut-wrenching feelings about something like child rape and human trafficking. How disconnected from humanity must people get to not only not care, but to tell others that it is not their business to care either? And where does this indifference end, if it does at all? Catholic church, Boy Scouts, Penn State Summer Camps? Down the street? When does it become our business to care?

I look at the people who make these comments, primarily Americans, and I think to myself, how lucky you are to live in a society so far removed from the horrors of third world human conditions, that you have the liberty to joke about them and mock their importance. Your essence, or soul, or whatever you refer to it as, could have just as easily been born into a body in Saudi Arabia as it was here.  How arrogant to act as though it is wrong to care about what happens to the people who are born somewhere else, victims to a world that is either oppressing them or indifferent to their oppression.

Human enslavement is a human rights issue, not a cultural practice. Whether you believe Western culture should intervene in these practices is one thing, but trivializing the pain and suffering of oppressed people is a slipperly slope to becoming one of the oppressors.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.


And for the love of God, make it your business to care.


The girl with the monogramed soapbox

Dear Diary #2

Dear Diary,

I hate when I’m really hungry and my stomach keeps rumbling and I have to cough to cover it up so people don’t start making jokes about the irony of the hungry fat girl in her corner cubicle, but instead think I’m sick and quarantine me, ultimately making me feel even worse about myself because being fat isn’t the reason people don’t want to talk to me, it’s the fake SARs they think I have contracted which would actually make my whole life easier considering I’d get to stay home from work and wouldn’t have to worry about covering up my rumbling stomach with fake coughs in the first place, and I could just eat myself into a self-hating oblivion, before remembering how crappy it is to have SARs.

I never should have started snorting crack.


The girl who never really started snorting crack

Letter to My Future Self

Dear Lena of January 2014,

I hope when you are reading this your hair is clean because today it is not. Today you look like Courtney Love had sex with a mongoose and then got extensions.















So sort of like Nick Nolte.



If Nick Nolte had sex with Steve Buschemi…


and then grew a vagina

So like Charlize Theron in Monster.


Only manlier.

Like Michelle Bachman on the cover of Newsweek.


How many images can I use in one blog post? 

More than this many kittens.  




 I have a lot of plans for how I’m going to become you; a year older, clean-hair version of myself with a satisfying life plan and less shame bestowed upon my family.  Here are some:

 1. Reduce my butt watermark – I haven’t gone swimming in several years and although I don’t have  a specific understanding of why, it might be because every time I have gone swimming and walked from a pool to a picnic bench, or a rock, or a bed, and sat down, I produced a monstrous butt watermark – the imprint  of wet ass cheeks in cheap spandex left behind on a seat. As a child I would giggle at this. As an adult I feel inclined to pull out a tape measure and survey it for prospects of fitting into an airline seat. I don’t need this kind of math in my life. So I’m going to lose weight.

2. Reduce my dependence and use of technology – I admittedly do not have much work to do on this in comparison to my peers. I don’t have a smart phone and never will. I don’t have cable, an e-reader, a camera, an iPad, or a reliable source for hot water. But in comparison to the previous eras I admire and wish to emulate, I suck like Kristen Stewart.*

I spend a ridiculous amount of time on the Internet. Like. I’m embarrassed. I can’t help it when I’m at work, but there is no reason I should go home and continue the cycle. I realize that the Internet is very valuable and without websites like Google I might never know that the search “how do people start letters?” is related to “when do men start balding?” but there has got to be more to life than allowing automated search engines to connect the dots for me. So I’m going to transition out of Internet time-suck.

 *This is not a vampire joke. Or a slut joke. But it does work well in both scenarios.

**I hope the person who told me they want more Kristen Stewart jokes is reading this. If not, I don’t see the point to my existence.

kristen stewart

 3. Finish my novel – It has been just over two years since I started my novel and now as I reach 50,000 words in I am on the slow decline. I can’t even joke about this. I am proud of it. When I read it I am happy not only with the writing but with the obvious evolution of self I have experienced in the two years since I started. So I’m going to finish this bitch once and for all, angry ex-husband style.*

*That was wrong.

 4. Continue my education – This plan has always been there but has recently evolved into something I didn’t quite expect. Like starting this blog or falling in love again. More to come about this but let me say I’m really excited.


Now Lena, of January 2014, these aren’t so much resolutions, with the inevitable implication that they will be forgotten in two weeks, as they are intended life plans. Therefore, I intend to create you quite beautifully with my ability to follow-through. Lena of 2012 gave me a pretty good year, so I’m going to try to pay it forward.

So you better reflect these efforts. Like Jennifer Hudson in Weight Watchers ads only less digitally altered.


 The girl who wrote you this letter