Category Archives: all about men
So through circumstances completely unrelated to matters of the heart, I am once again residing in the solitary. No need to get into the why and how. Just know I’ve spent the better part of this fall pretending to prepare for a Telenovela audition. Spoiler alert: I’m still white.
For those of you unfamiliar with Single Lena, I am taking this blog post as opportunity to fill you in on the raw essence of lovely you will begin to come in contact with on the regular. When I lived with another, I went to bed at normal hours, always brushed my teeth, and occasionally took out the garbage. Now that I live alone, I have uninterrupted conversations with myself about the origins of the term “whoopsie daisy,” occasionally wear pajamas that resemble nudity, and learned to pee standing up. Only one of these things is a lie.
While in some ways my existence is improving, having attempted to make homemade cheerios and once again taken up the hobby of photographing my own breasts (only both of these things are true)…
I am still struggling with the acceptance of my unromantic status, as proven by the 53 episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond I’ve watched in the last week. But nevertheless, life is going on as if Breaking Bad and my relationship had never ended. I am back to my old unsettling ways and have already gone through a book of stamps, for all the letters I’ve been writing to prisoners. So I think I’m doing ok.
The girl whose probably under the influence of something special .
Organic pear and meth amphetamine…GRANOLA.
I’m a terrible feminist.
Tonight I was all prepared to write something really scathing about the poor self-image the media inflicts upon young girls, and how a woman’s self-worth should not be determined by the opinions of a man. I was so dedicated to this topic I didn’t even take off my bra before lighting it on fire.
BUT THEN…a customer came in.
And now after our exchange, all my measly weak-minded girly self can give you is this:
The Power of the Male Compliment: A Dramatic Scene
Female (LENA), early 20’s, understated, ravishing beauty sits behind the counter of a coffee shop, listening to Bob Dylan and wasting her youth. She’s feeling rather pensive and existential, whilst debating her attraction to Keira Knightley. NAMELESS MALE walks in, early 20’s, tall, kind of cute wearing a pea coat that mildly resembles Bob Dylan’s on the cover of Blonde on Blonde, a fact she chooses to withhold as no one ever cares when she tells them things like that. She stands up and walks to the center counter to greet him, wondering if he is a Bob Dylan fan and whether or not he has enough body hair to satisfy her.
LENA: (cheerily) Hey!
NAMELESS MALE: Hi…
LENA: What can I get for you?
NAMELESS MALE: Two chocolate donuts.
LENA: Ok. (turns around to reach for donuts, placing them into bag) Anything else?
NAMELESS MALE: Peanut.
LENA: Ok. (turns around, places one into bag) Anything else?
NAMELESS MALE: And coconut.
LENA briefly wonders if NAMELESS MALE continues asking her for donuts so he can ogle her goodies when she turns around to retrieve them, but determines, as she has less ass than a dolphin, he is simply hungry and indecisive.
LENA: Here you go. (hands the bag to him and he smiles at her holding out his money) Thanks.
NAMELESS MALE: You’re welcome…so, how is your night going?
LENA: (hands him his change) Oh you know, it’s not too bad. How is yours?
NAMELESS MALE: That’s good. It’s good…It’s okay.
LENA: (laughs) Good.
NAMELESS MALE: Well, thanks.
LENA: You’re welcome. Have a good night.
NAMELESS MALE: Thank you.
NAMELESS MALE begins to walk out, but as he opens the door, yells out
NAMELESS MALE: You’re very pretty!
LENA: (laughs) What? Oh, thanks!
As NAMELESS MALE gets into his vehicle outside, LENA trips over a plastic coffee stirrer on her way back to her computer, beaming with the giddiness only seen in “principal offices” on pornography sets.
There you have it.
No feminist thoughts. No well-written accusatory tone.
I have nothing worthwhile to say. I have lost all feminist energy, solely because some young man wearing a Bob Dylan-like pea coat told me I was pretty.
It’s like, such a huge problem, I just…
You know what? Why am I even trying to explain? As if any of you uggos will understand…
I need to talk to Samantha Brick.
The girl blogging under the influence of EXTRA Dessert Delights sugarfree gum (you don’t know me!)
Relationships are tough. If they weren’t, there would be a lot less Broken Condom Baby Traps (BCBT) plotted each year.
I don’t know what that is.
I’ve had my share of fecal abundant relationships in recent years, many of which I have spouted off about in this very blog. Evidently, accusations of slander and threats to my personhood mean nothing to me because I am about to do it again. For those of you who do not spend your free time in the tree outside my window, I will give you a little back story on my current “involvement,” (thanks MS Word thesaurus! ;))
In mid-January, I found myself lonely and searching for love, just as I have the last 23 years of my life. Late night webcam conversations with hot foreign dudes and slightly homosexual thoughts about Amanda Seyfried ceased to keep me warm at night, so I decided to try “dating” again. I met the gentleman in question, we’ll call him Walter Von Trapp…
Gerard. There we go.
I met Gerard in mid-January. We had a very nice first date of sushi and abundant conversation. I was pleased to learn that like myself, he too talks during movies so much it made the black people behind us look shy. I was diggin’ it. But then 3-4 (who’s counting) weeks passed and I, being my neurotic, emotionally retarded self, avoided any face to face interaction with my potential boo (thanks Urban Dictionary!).
He addressed my obvious problems, things worked out, and we went out a few more times. He made Valentine’s Day dinner, gave me the flu before I went away, and organized a bitchin’ weekend in Philadelphia after I got home. So yeah, things sound pretty great. On the surface.
If there is one thing I have learned from my perpetual romantic misery it’s that legitimate relationships suck the life out of you. If they don’t something is clearly wrong. So to work through my concerns I have decided to analyze all of the reasons my new relationship is shitter-bound.
1. No signs of schizophrenia –It has been almost two months of involvement and I have yet to stab myself with an umbrella or dry heave “I Will Survive” out of frustration with my partner’s mental incapacities. He’s normal and I don’t know how to deal with it. It may seem like a good thing that he doesn’t own a collection of straight jackets or have a human doll fetish, but this presumed normalcy makes me a little uncomfortable. After all, if he’s mentally stable, how will he deal with me when I reveal my inner psycho, cutting off contact for three days after having a dream that he cheated on me, or bursting into tears during America’s Next Top Model? I’m afraid. Very afraid.
2. Girly Body Wash – Though our Philadelphia weekend was indeed bitchin’ I learned something about Gerard I’d rather not know. Since we were staying in a hotel when I got up for my morning shower, I was unfortunately unable to rifle through his personal belongings like I would had we been at his place. In desperation I did the next best thing and perused his shower accessories. Though I was happy to see that he is anything but hygienically-challenged, I was slightly horrified at one particular discovery: Apricot Orange body wash.
Everyone who knows me knows I could never seriously date a man who uses body wash. I like my men really rugged, and hairy, and dirty, and irrationally masculine. The kind that picks up my loofa and asks if it’s a tampon. You know what I’m saying? No? Ok.
I spent my shower time brainstorming various digs. Various comments that could emasculate him even more than the use of Apricot Orange body wash. But I could think of nothing so extreme so I decided to drop it. Unfortunately for Gerard, my wits only temporarily escaped me and I spent the rest of our time together berating him. Amazingly enough, he still wants to see me.
Maybe I should just let this one go.
3. He’s baselessly supportive of me – Unlike previous fellas who told me things like “you weren’t funny until you met me,” Gerard seems to be convinced that I had a personality prior to meeting him. I’m not sure where he gets this idea since everyone knows women aren’t capable of formulating thoughts independent of their male counterparts, but his insistence that I am “witty” and “amazing” and a “good writer,” tells me he must have ulterior motives of some kind. Perhaps he is plotting a BCBT. It’s really impossible to say. All I know is you can’t trust a guy who doesn’t try to belittle you at every opportunity. It’s just not normal.
Since I’m not in the business of predicting the future, outside of telling others that theirs is doomed, I am not going to say whether or not this relationship will last much longer than my next period. But things have been good so far and if my top three concerns are any indication of how little is actually wrong, it’s safe to say it’ll probably be awhile until I post another hopelessly bitter blog about broken hearts and Ryan Gosling. So in the meantime I can only hope that the rest of my life crumbles around me so I have something else to write about.
Until next time, stay ugly so I feel pretty.
The girl with a crush on the All State raccoon.
“If it weren’t for beards I’d probably be a lesbian.” -Lena aka the girl with the blog (November 2011)
Beards. What is there to say about beards that has not already been said by me in a previous blog entry? Plenty. So today I am devoting the English language and my blogging efforts to beards. Why? Because I’m bored, unemployed, and considering taking testosterone injections just to have my own to play with. Join me on a journey of love, lust, and rabid devotion to the beard; the single characteristic responsible for my checkered past of dating Republicans.
In order to prepare you, dear readers, for the stimulating voyage of beard worship, I am going to share a few of my own, creative writings about beards, featured in my upcoming self-published literary debut “Strip down, you’re rocking a beard,” available now in my imagination.
I will start with two Insightful Acronyms Marking Profound Appreciation Toward Helping Erotic Traits Indefinitely Continue (IAMPATHETIC)
Right, right? Not even a little creepy that I wrote these…eh hem.
I shall continue now with two traditional Haikus:
Whiskers in the Wind
Scratchy facial pubes
Bushy sexy jawlines please
Destroy all razors now
I’m in Stubble
Boring dates with nice goatees
Poor romantic choices
Now that I have sufficiently roused your shared passion of beards and frightened you to your core, I shall move on. Let’s take a look at:
Famously, Fabulous Beards Throughout History:
No one rocked a beard better than humanity’s common perception of early man. With that ravenous, facial frock, it’s no wonder cavemen and women hardly kept their clothes on.
Jesus didn’t ‘eff around when it came to his beard. His constant access to fruity alcohol beverages wasn’t the only reason he was known as the LL Cool J of Nazarath.
(Ladies Love Cool Jesus, suckers!)
It wasn’t just his tall frame and “come hither” stare that drove the 1860 Electoral delegates into a passionate frenzy. It is a little known fact that after Abe’s 1865 assassination, Congress organized two memorial services in his honor; one for him, one for the beard.
Often referred to as”the quiet Beatle” George Harrison and his beard are the main reason I refer to him as “the sexiest Beatle.” I am so into his “Concert of Bangladesh” look, I found myself *gasp* waiting for Bob Dylan’s part to end, just to indulge on more of Georgie boy’s luscious facial locks. Myyyy Sweeeeet Lord!
Tom Hanks knows how to sport a beard. He does a lot, frequently when vying for an Oscar. All I can say is this: Forest was a mentally challenged running enthusiast who scored a slutty chick like Jenny. One might question, how he could pull off such a feat? Exhibit A: Bearding out all over the place. And then we have Cast Away. Don’t know the character’s name, don’t care. What I do care about is his ability to manifest a loving relationship with an inanimate object. That takes a lot of finesse. A lot of skill. You know what else? A lot of beard.
Hope for a Bearded Future
As you can see, beards, both modest and unruly, have been a constant feature sexyifying men since the beginning of time. But as a young woman in 2011, I fear for the future of beards. With the constant feminizing of men, with chest waxing, mani-pedi specials, and bathing, I fear that men will rapidly decrease their beard harboring. Frankly I don’t know if I want to bring my children into a world of baby-faced men, and if I can’t find an impressive enough beard, I probably won’t have the opportunity to!
So as a last stitch effort to promote the importance of beards, I ask all of you readers, who support my unhealthy obsession, to stand up now. If we are going to put an end to the fading popularity of the beard, everyone needs to chip in. Start by sharing this blog post with all of the non-believers of the world, promoting the conservation of the beard. If you know beardless men, particularly young ones in their 20’s, belittle their bare-face until they cry, followed by mockery of their tears and the reassurance that only growing a beard can secure their manhood once again. Do your part. I will do mine. And we can ring in 2012 with hairy faces and happy hearts.
The girl in need of psychiatric evaluation
I am attracted to exceedingly unbalanced people. Of the shamefully large amount of men I have made acquaintance with in the past year, 76% of them have had a sordid history with drugs/alcohol, clinical depression, or an unsettling fetish, 20% have had either small hands, poor vocabulary, or unpleasant speaking voices, and 4% have caused me to act like a psychopath, with their uncanny ability to make me laugh but greater tendency to make me cry. I know. Would I like some cheap sex with that wine? I need a bitch slap straight to the ovaries.
Needless to say, I have questionable taste. It’s not like I intentionally date felons or short-fingered girly men. I just allow my self-involved nature and excuse of looking for a rebound to justify the fact that I am open-minded enough to go out with all types of people, but ultimately too close-minded to take 96% of them seriously. I also can’t spell the word tomorrow without spell check and I still wear a retainer a few nights a week. My roast starts at 9:00. Thanks.
All of this being said, I have discovered that it is incredibly unlikely that there is any man born after 1980 that possesses the six characteristics of my future ex husband. So, I can either:
- Become a spinster with a fish bowl full of piranhas and a strong attraction to long underwear.
- Open my heart to people who do not meet these requirements but still allow me some sort of happiness.
I am opting for option B, not because the dull ache of my perpetual loneliness keeps me up at night, but because I don’t really think an unmarried woman can truly be considered a spinster until the age of 27. As you can see, I got this.
With this decision in place, I have taken it upon myself to brainstorm some categories of individuals from which I will find my prospective soul mate. These are what I have come up with so far:
A shocking 3% of the pie chart of my heart is dedicated to Craig Ferguson, the late night beast with whom I have been in mild love since 1999. His middle-aged perviness and haphazard comedy make me swoon like a Scottish school girl. Plus, he is attracted to fat girls with stretch marks, as discussed in one of his comedy specials I forget the name of due to fainting. Can you say score?
I’d also like to bed David Letterman. That’s all I have to say about that.
2. Recently injured college athletes
The first week of my freshman year of college was a blur. Finding classes, meeting professors, learning how to flush tampons without clogging the dorm toilets. I was bright-eyed and idealistic, with rosy cheeks and fresh implants, ready to conquer the world with my socially awkward approach to making friends that included walking in on girls in the shower and the “Random Facebook Add.”
The “Random Facebook Add” or the “RFA” otherwise known as the “Reluctant Forced Acquaintanceship” is a tool used by college freshmen in an effort to build the ever important network of co-ed “friends.” While others in my dorm used this to connect with their roommates and future frenemies, I had other plans. I was going to “RFA” every member of the college baseball team.
Dignity dismissed, I was out of control! It didn’t matter what the guy looked like or if he even knew my name. I went all night. One after another, back to back, I didn’t care. My roommate tried to stop me, convince me to have a little self control. I couldn’t. The slutty can of worms was open, and I RFAed like it was paying my bills.
Morning after I woke with a shame deeper than what my father feels after reading each blog entry (love you, dad!). But quickly I realized that not only did all of them accept my RFA, but one even poked me! My cheeks are still flushed from the incident.
For a few days I felt hopeful that all of my meaningless RFAs would pay off and I would soon settle with a borderline attractive sub par baseball player of average height and substantial wealth. This, needless to say, did not happen. Why? Because college athletes want to date trampy girls with back tattoos of butterflies, not 18 year old virgins who plan to stay that way until the right guy comes along and offers them free Maroon 5 tickets. So for a long time I gave up the dream.
It was only while brainstorming this deeply profound and life affirming blog entry that I realized I went about this all wrong! Why was I going for actual college athletes, with self confidence and other better looking sexual prospects to choose from, when there were plenty of discarded, recently injured, reject athletes no one wanted? No friends – no girls – no scholarships – no problem!
3. Disney-animated canines
They say you never forget your first love. I know this to be true. Year after year since I was a wee lass with curly blond pigtails and the mouth of a sailor, I have pined over my first love. A love so great, pure, and filled with my passionate lust for communism that I would be willing to commit to an interspecies affair if it meant all of my romantic intentions could finally be fulfilled. I am referring, of course, to Disney’s very foxy Robin Hood.To this day, he is the hottest thing I have ever seen.
As a runner up for my affections, I must admit I’d also chop off my right arm to be with the Tramp of Lady and. Not only is a he a dirty bad boy that in one of the most underrated film shower scenes of all time, teases his female audience with a quickie train station wash, but he is a straight up P.I.M.P. There’s an entire song dedicated to his bad ass womanizing ways.
4. Women I’ll go after if I am ever bi-curious
If all else fails, I think I will be left with no other option than to embrace my inner lesbian and say “hi” to my “bi.” Now settle down you liberal, commy, sons o’ bitches. I ain’t sayin’ it’s a choice. I do however think that everyone has a little bit of homoeroticism buried deep in their tightie-whitie closet. I don’t know a single woman who does not enjoy staring at, grabbing, or talking about another woman’s boobs or bum. Perhaps it is due to a competitive spirit OR (gasp) it is because of some slight nerve tingling attraction no one wants to acknowledge for fear of sounding like Lady Gaga.
That being said, it’s pretty easy for me to provide a list of ladies I’d lez it up for.
Obviously, I have higher standards for women than I do for men.
I am mentally exhausted.
If I can’t settle down with one of these completely unrealistic options than I am buying stock in Cold Water Creek and heading to the aquarium.
Open to suggestions, comments, and general criticisms of my character.
The girl who frequently confuses the letter “f” with the number 5
WARNING: This blog contains serious bitterness regarding love. If you are recently betrothed or awaiting a wedding day, I advise you go back to doodling “Mrs. ______” on your notebook, before you go f*** yourself.
At some point in every woman’s life, she begins to formulate an image of her ideal man. For several pre teen years, my ideal mate was a healthy blend of Milo Ventimiglia and Eminem. I was happy skating through middle school with these expectations, imagining that some day when I was really old, like 17, I would meet Eminemilo waiting in line at some hip downtown club and would woo him with my intellect, wit, and overly developed breasts. Realistic and classy.
It was around this time that my dreams and expectations were shattered. SHATTERED. For this was 2001 when the band Lifehouse first got radio play. Enter: “Hanging By a Moment.”
“I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held onto….
….And I don’t know what I’m diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you”
That bullshit f***ed me up more than my parent’s divorce and the time the church Santa Clause called me fat. WTF Jason Wade? Your phony lyrics, equivalent to the creepy poetry exchanged by teenage lesbians, completely obliterated all realistic expectations I had of love. I remember my sister and I lying on our beds in our shared bedroom at my father’s house, talking about how “cute” the lyrics were, how “sweet” the singer must be and about how “sexy” his voice was. Because at that time all it took for a man to be “sexy” was a body weight of 120+ pounds and the ability to profess his undying love to teenage girls through radio waves.
As if those stirrings of emotional confusion were not enough, Lifehouse released yet ANOTHER song containing even greater fabrications about relationships. Enter “Breathing”.
“I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don’t want to speak tonight
That’s alright, alright with me
‘Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven’s door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be”
What? NO ONE FEELS THAT WAY! You can’t drill these thoughts into a little girl’s head, using pop melodies sang/whispered by pretty boy front men through four foot speakers at middle school dances, where the only person without a dancing partner is the chubby blond girl in the corner reading “Pride and Prejudice” because she’s “different.” NO! It’s worse than sexting! This causes permanent damage to the maturity of whatever part of the brain controls our ideas about romance.
But time passed and while I never did get over these fantasies about love, songs by Nelly and 50 Cent evened the curve by teaching me that some men just want to see you “shake it so they can see your thong.” This, as degrading and objectifying as it is, is actually realistic.
But then came 2004, my sophomore year of high school. Fifteen, spritely with a D cup, I had it all! Except my one true love. Enter: Ryan Gosling.
Ryan Gosling. What is there to say about Ryan Gosling that hasn’t already been said? Vision of perfection? Sure. Symbol of truth and romance all men should aspire to? Maybe. I could shower this man with accolades and relentless affection for the rest of my life and it would still not be enough. Why? Noah mother-f***in Calhoun!
Ok, so maybe Ryan Gosling didn’t personally ruin my life. But his portrayal of Noah in the “The Notebook” is single-handedly the most unrealistic, unattainable, fantasy any woman could ever hope for. He wrote her every day for a year? WHAT? He rebuilt the house just to win her back? NO ONE DOES THAT! He can’t give his whole heart to the sad widow because he is too broken? THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!
Ryan Gosling, Noah, and this movie are complete false advertising and here is why:
- The boy you fall in love with at 17 doesn’t look like that.
- At 24, the boy you fell in love with at 17 doesn’t look like that.
- No man will ever love you that much.
You don’t believe me? Well ask yourself this. Where are these men? I am 23 years old and all I have is an addiction-prone ex husband and 50 pounds of baggage in the form of belly fat and cellulite hanging off my stumpy body. I don’t have any love letters or lakefront homes with private porches where I can paint in the nude. No. All I have is a slew of insecurities about the male speed of response to a text message and whether or not I am more attractive to the male population with straight or curly hair.
But it is not all men’s fault. I am, admittedly, an emotional train wreck that makes Octo-mom look like a perfectly functioning member of society. I either have zero feelings for men who really like me or explosive feelings for men who really don’t. So I think if it is any one’s fault it is Lifehouse and the Ryan Gosling/Nicholas Sparks team. My formative teen years were not spent learning that men use emotional manipulation tactics to sleep with you or that if they really like you they will contact you, regardless of how many days it has been since you last met. They were spent as a sponge, soaking up the lies about love and romance we are fed to make us believe that one day Ryan Gosling will sing to you while you dance in the middle of the street and that he won’t know why he can’t take his eyes off of you.
All I can say is this. Be wary ladies and gay men. Be wary of Lifehouse songs and Ryan Gosling.
The girl with intentions of adopting a baby and becoming a lesbian
So apparently, Panera Bread attracts a large population of well-bearded men. All but one of the five men in my line of sight have beautiful, manly, tuggable beards that I want to play with until the wee hours of dawn.
Sitting on a laptop, hoping no one has noticed that I am drinking a coffee from somewhere else and never actually made a PB purchase, I can’t help but wonder why I am always being confronted by these sightings of manly beards that will never be mine to enjoy. I also have to wonder why all of these men are always at a minimum of ten years older than me, and when I will see a man in my dating age bracket that will satisfy my facial hair needs.
I’m pretty sure #48 has something to do with the fact that I am a 22 year old woman, picking my gingerbread man scab in the corner of a food service location.
Bring on the cats.
F*** that. I want an iguana.
The girl with a translucent farmer’s tan