Category Archives: unbalanced political observations
The human race either needs to evolve or die off entirely.
I know. Good morning to you, too.
I guess I should forwarn regular readers of my blog, that this entry is going to be about as funny as Carrot Top, so don’t expect to laugh . It is topical and current and will leave you feeling there is no hope left in the world. Or simply indifferent, as the title would suggest.
Now, typically when I write topical blog posts, I do so the moment I begin to feel a tremor of interest in a topic, before I decide how I truly feel about it, and before I know if I have any facts straight. You know. Like cable news. So this time I decided to give myself 24 hours to ferment in anger and all around disgust before sharing my thoughts. But when I woke up this morning I was angry, which isn’t a good look for me and decided for the sake of my appearance, I would withold my feelings no more.
Which brings me back to my initial statement. The human race either needs to evolve or die off entirely. I’m not bitter, just realistic, and there are plenty of examples of why what I say is true; school shootings, American politics, the popularity of Honey Boo Boo, etc. But in this case, I am referring to the dangerous combination of headline news and Internet anonymity.
Yesterday the Internet was all a-twitter with a news story regarding a 70 year old man in Saudi Arabia, marrying a 15 year old girl who he purchased from her family for a US monetary equivalent of $20,000. The story become international news when the man contacted authorities about being “ripped off” when the girl ran away. I thought it was a given that this is a completely disgusting, tragic event, not only because of age difference but the very fact that human trafficking and slavery exists so openly in undeveloped parts of the world, never mind existing quietly in Western culture. However it wasn’t the headline that shocked me, but the reader comments.
Although a healthy majority of reader comments were aimed at the sadness of this situation, there was also a disturbingly large amount of people making jokes, calling it a scam on the old man, defending the practice as “heritage” or “culture,” and generally spouting indifference. Here are a few examples:
Again, these are only selected comments I have copied from a few different articles. I am not arguing that this is in any way a reflection of the majority of people in Western society. However the stark lack of empathy demonstrated in these comments says a lot about who and what we breed in our “first world.”
Many people argue that this issue is an example of “heritage” “culture” and “religion,” and that is partially true. It is a tradition of humanity to enslave miniorities, and particularly women, as seen in most cultures at some point in history. However if the excuse we are making for this man, the girls’ parents, and millions of others who have participated in human trafficking, is that it is part of their culture, what excuse do we have for the people above who have had the presumed benefit of Western education and upbringing?
The truth is, there is not much we can do as individuals to actually provoke change in other cultures. But we can control how we react to it and the example we choose to set in our own. Several of the people above as well as people I did not quote proudly profess their indifference.
“I don’t even know that girl so I feel sorry for no one”
“Get over it, that’s the way it is in that country. Not our business”
Am I unevolved if my first reaction is to beat these bitches down? Yes, probably. But I truly can’t understand the argument that it is not our business to care.
It is not our business to have any sort of empathy or interest or sickened gut-wrenching feelings about something like child rape and human trafficking. How disconnected from humanity must people get to not only not care, but to tell others that it is not their business to care either? And where does this indifference end, if it does at all? Catholic church, Boy Scouts, Penn State Summer Camps? Down the street? When does it become our business to care?
I look at the people who make these comments, primarily Americans, and I think to myself, how lucky you are to live in a society so far removed from the horrors of third world human conditions, that you have the liberty to joke about them and mock their importance. Your essence, or soul, or whatever you refer to it as, could have just as easily been born into a body in Saudi Arabia as it was here. How arrogant to act as though it is wrong to care about what happens to the people who are born somewhere else, victims to a world that is either oppressing them or indifferent to their oppression.
Human enslavement is a human rights issue, not a cultural practice. Whether you believe Western culture should intervene in these practices is one thing, but trivializing the pain and suffering of oppressed people is a slipperly slope to becoming one of the oppressors.
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
And for the love of God, make it your business to care.
The girl with the monogramed soapbox
Today while refreshing my “site stats” page and crying inside, I realized it has been a long time since I have incorporated Google search terms* into a blog post. I was sadenned.
I thought to myself, there MUST be a way to do this! But I have done just about everything with a Google search term, short of getting impregnated by one. Surely I could not come up with another way! But then it hit me…
“Do you realize, Lena, that you are the only person who will find any of this funny?” I thought to myself, whilst navigating Paint on my company computer. And to that I say, “you know it, ho.”
So with that I give you this:
Mitt Romney, Unplugged
I’m laughing. Even if you’re not.
The girl with classy but ghetto orangutan titties
*Google search terms that led people to my blog, taken verbatim from my site stats page
So after months of bewilderment at the amount of seemingly unprovoked political postings on Facebook, my only source of human interaction, I have finally discovered the root cause of all the unwanted opinionated goobledygook that I for one, have in no way…
…even remotely participated in.
So evidently the United States Presidential election is taking place in 11 days.* I know, right? I’m totally buggin.’
Now I’d venture a guess that there are plenty of numb-minded Americans feeling overwhelmed by the vast amount of choices they have for this election:
Pretttty sizable, I’d say.
But considering the fact that the outdated Gallop poll survey I am using to make my point says 37% of Americanscan’t find America on a map** (“Map? It’s on your lapel, silly!”)…
I think it’s safe to say, most Americans probably don’t know there are even MORE choices for the Presidential election this year.
So for those of you with enough free time to read my blog, but not enough to stay informed on American politics, continue reading for a quick and easy breakdown of the unpopular, but determined third party candidates running for President, despite continued efforts from the media to pretend they don’t exist, like the missed period of an unmarried Catholic teen. And for those of you who think I’m too pretentious to handle, please blow up my comments with derogatory feedback.
Gary Johnson – Libertarian Party
Arguably the most popular third party candidate this election season, Gary Johnson has successfully tapped into the impenetrable Ron Paul fan base. As the former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson is a fiscally conservative, socially liberal candidate. He is an advocate for civil liberties, marriage equality, drug decriminialization, and slashing the federal deficit in the first year through cutting government programs. He would repeal the Patriot Act, the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), among other unconstitutional acts.
Visit his website for more specifics: www.garyjohnson2012.com
Jill Stein – Green Party
Green Party candidates have a long history of upsetting Presidential elections and if my vote means anything, this year’s candidate will too. Jill Stein is long-time physician, educator, and activist. She has developed “The Green New Deal” which focuses on economic reform through green technology, is vehemently opposed to the War on Drugs, would like to add an ammendment to the constitution stating that coorporations are NOT people, repeal the Patriot Act and NDAA, and stop all use of military drones. Basically, she’s a BAMF.
visit her website for more specifics: www.jillstein.org
Rocky Anderson – Justice Party
WTF is the Justice Party? I know. That’s what I thought too. The Justice Party is a liberal political party formed to get former Democratic Mayor of Salt Lake City, Rocky Anderson on the 2012 Presidential ballad. Rocky is a strong supporter of LGBT rights, climate protection, immigration reform, civil liberties, and the decriminalization of drugs. He was also the only mayor of a major city to pursue the impeachment of George W. Bush. Whoa.
Visit his website for more specifics: www.voterocky.org
Virgil Goode – The Consitution Party
Probably the closest third party candidate to a traditional Republican (ie. not Mitt Romney), Virgil Goode is the only candidate who has proposed to put a moratorium on Green cards for immigrants, which he advocates quite proudly. He is in favor of an immediate governmental budget balance, is consistently pro-life, wants to eliminate foreign aid, and audit the Federal Reserve. His accent’s pretty cool, too.
Visit his website for more specifics: www.goodeforpresident2012.com
It’s hard to believe that four experienced, politically active candidates continue to get so little attention from mainstream media, but Ashton Kutcher is also the highest paid actor on TV, so apparently injustice comes in many forms.
All four candidates recently participated in the Free and Equal Elections Foundation debate, hosted by Larry King.
Watching it quickly helped me confirm who Iwould be voting for, despite the fact that I voted for Barrack Obama four years ago, and would rather die than refer to Mittens as President Romney. Because if there is anything I have learned since voting in my first Presidential election it’s this:
Voting for someone makes me at least partially responsible for whatever they do, good or bad, during their Presidency.
While this is about as obvious as a stage whisper, it seems like most people forget this during the sensationalized politics of a Presidential election. But the fact of the matter is, the last guy I voted for not only re-signed the Patriot Act and maintained Guantanamo Bay, but he also utilizes drone warfare, killing far too many innocent civilians in the Middle East, signed into action the National Defense Authorization Act which allows the government to indefinitely detain U.S. citizens without charge or trial, and apparently has Nicki Minaj on his iPod. Ya’ll know I can’t deal with that shit.
And unfortunately Romney too, supports all of the above. Except maybe the Nicki Minaj thing. He seems like more of a Celine Dion guy to me.
So just between you and me, I don’t really care who wins. If Obama wins we’ll continue to have a “hip” President who likes gay people and playing basketball, when he’s not violating our civil liberties. If Romney wins, the Oval office will have that nice, slimy, used car salesman feel to it again, perhaps helping people to wake up to the realization that both Democrats and Republicans sold out to corporate interests a long time ago, and the only real definiable difference is the size of their lapel pins.
Think about it. When the dust settles on the election, and we have either a President Obama or a President Romney actively recanting every promise they made, as history indicates they most definitely will, do you want to know that you contributed to allowing them to do that?
Though it should go without saying, voting for the lesser of two evils is like choosing to drown a baby instead of setting it on fire. My question is, why not choose not to kill the baby at all?
We are Americans. Most of us already have no integrity by default. All I ask, is that this election season, we vote with a little intergrity.
WE VOTE NOT TO KILL THE BABY!!!!
The girl who throws her votes away like crushed dreams and used underwear
*This is a lie. I knew there was an election.
**To be fair, I’m pretty sure this survey included babies, the blind, and people from Arkansas.
Poor North Carolina.
After all of Asheville’s efforts to make the state seem cool and relevant to the rest of the U.S. beyond a convenient place to stop and take a dump on the way to Myrtle Beach, they have consummated their irrelevancy by proving just how uncool they really are.
Today voters in North Carolina passed an amendment to their state legislation to ban gay marriage. Now to be fair, North Carolina has always had a very traditional take on marriage. According to www.usmarriagelaws.com, North Carolina holds marriage values in high esteem, as proven with these laws:
- Applicants 16 and 17 must present a consent form signed by the parent, individual, agency or institution having legal custody or serving as the legal guardian of the underage party.
- Applicants 14 and 15 must provide a certified copy of the court order authorizing the marriage. A certified copy of the birth certificate is also required.
*****A marriage license may not be issued to applicants under 14 years of age.
YOU SEE, gays? There’s no reason to be upset. 7th graders can’t get married either!!!
Well…at least not until 8th grade…
No waiting period.
In North Carolina, marriage vows and long term “eternal” commitments can be made with relatively no forethought. As long as they are at least 14 year old penises and 14 year old vaginas, they can get married whenever they want, simply because they are penises and vaginas!
The high school marriage on One Tree Hill is suddenly making so much sense…
Yes. First cousins MAY marry, but DOUBLE first cousins may not. Double first cousins are very rare, as the couple have to be related as cousins through both parents.
Niiiiice. Now the next Christmas when sparks inevitably fly between me and my 14 year old cousin, I will have to remember that we can seal the deal with a quick trip to North Carolina, where residency is not required, waiting periods are not required, and penis/vagina matrimony reigns supreme.
Then we can go to Myrtle Beach.
The girl who relishes the divorce rate among straight couples who define the sanctity of marriage
PS: With the possibility that I have not convinced you that this latest slap in the face of ALL Americans (yes, all) and their right to marriage equality was just NC being a bitch, check out my other entry, “Why Gay Marriage Should Never Be Legalized and America Rocks!!!” It’ll give you like, so much insight.
I don’t have time to write this blog.
In fact, I might quit writing it altogether.
Don’t get me wrong. I love this blog. If it could impregnate me, I’d let it. But it is becoming an uncomfortably large distraction in my daily life, like watching makeup tutorial Youtube videos by French Canadian teenagers. Whenever I’m not blogging I’m thinking of how I should be, and whenever I am blogging I’m thinking about how no one cares. It’s an abusive cycle. My blog wears the wife-beater, I wear the beer gut.
But I don’t know how to quit, and since the severity of my narcissism has truly reached a breaking point, likely to result in either my spontaneous combustion or a strong empathy for Donald Trump, I have decided to leave the country.
All because of this blog.
Actually, I’m lying. I just needed a creative way to say I’m leaving the country and sadly for you, my mind is too tired to come up with something funnier. In TBS censorship lingo, this week has been a clusterscrew, exhausting me to the point of having nothing to write about. I briefly considered publishing a post about the insignificant things that happened this week. Like the disturbing discovery that my underwear drawer smells like peanuts or how when asked to plan a date, the best I came up with was a nude sketch class followed by a local ACLU meeting. Hawt.
But luckily for you, between starting a new job and preparing for AAA club-hopping, I haven’t had time to write that. So instead of bogging you down with further unnecessary text, I’ll just bid you farewell.
Tomorrow morning I am flying to the Dominican Republic for a week-long jaunt of volunteering and feeling guilty about being born in America. My Grandfather is organizing this trip because he is a retired minister and among the best people I know, and has gone to the Dominican to volunteer over 15 times, as well as over half the countries in the world. I wish I could be that good of a person. But alas, I have a soft spot for Britney Spears which pretty much negates any good dead I could do.
Needless to say I am going to be “disconnected” for the next week. No internet access, cell phones, or Kourtney and Kim reruns. I’ve never been to a third-world country before, but since I weep nightly while watching the news and write letters for Amnesty International, there is a very good chance I am going to have an emotional break-down. But I have been warned not to act this way, so I am going to do my best to remain the calm, cool, heartlessly self-important American Mitt Romney would want me to be.
I shall make an effort to blog about this experience in the least soul-crushing way possible. I will probably update again sometime around March 5 or 6, so check back if you want in on that cry-fest.
Until then be good people but better lovers. I don’t know what that means.
The girl whose skin burns just from the thought of her upcoming proximity to the equator.
Today has proven to be a sippy cup of useless knowledge.
THIS MORNING: While talking with my mother I learned that not everyone dreams about food. The conversation went something like this:
Me: “Soooooo… you know when you have one of those dreams where you’re surrounded by food, you eat until you throw up, and then struggle to hang yourself?”
Mom: “No, that’s never happened to me.”
Me: “Really? I mean, I’m pretty sure everyone has that dream at least once a week.”
Mom: “That hasn’t happened in my lifetime.”
Me: “Oh, haha. Me either.”
THIS AFTERNOON: While applying streetwalker makeup for my coffee pouring job, I learned/realized that by repeatedly stabbing my eyeballs with a mascara wand on a daily basis, I am no doubt responsible for my bloodshot soul windows and future blindness. Well, that and all the meth.
THIS EVENING: While “working” I browsed Facebook headlines, which, much like legitimate news sources, left me anxious for a story that did not involve cute puppies or fat people eating burritos. Much to my surprise in the evening hours I began to see a “trending topic” involving Republicans, Planned Parenthood, and abortion.
While I, and all other liberals, view abortion as an everyday recreational activity, much like tennis or Magic the Gathering, apparently Republicans aren’t so big on it. Who knew? What with all the blood thirsty legislation passed in this country, one would think Republicans ate fetuses for breakfast. But I am here to tell you, that is not the case. They’re more of an eggs benedict party.
As an avid fan of abortion and the murder of all children, I have to say all this uproar about Planned Parenthood and its abortion services is a little silly. First of all, if there is anyone who SHOULD be angry it should be people like me – advocates of fetal destruction. Do you know how many abortions Planned Parenthood has prevented, simply by providing inexpensive birth control options to women? I’d venture a guess at thousands to a Gazillion. You just can’t mess with statistical fact.
But even a Gazillion prevented abortions doesn’t make up for the fact that a whopping 3% of Planned Parenthood provided services are abortions. I know. Disgustingly low. Where are all the pregnant Democrats getting their inevitable abortions – back alleys in Tijuana? Mexicans really are taking all of our jobs.
But Republicans seem to think that 35% of services related to contraception, 35% related to STD treatment and prevention, and 16% related to Cancer screenings are simply not enough to make up for that tiny, wittle, 3%. Which is why several Planned Parenthood locations around the country have lost or are at risk of losing funding. To the everyday, logical person, this may not make sense. But when you keep in mind this famous Republican mantra, it’s a little clearer:
“Babies born no matter what
Then have them killed in war
Increase all military spending
Stop funding all the whores.”
Brings a tear to my eye every time.
Unfortunately, government funding isn’t the only hit Planned Parenthood is taking. One of the other reasons my peeps are all a-Twitter is that apparently the Susan G. Komen Foundation has cut funding to Planned Parenthood. What a slap in the uterus. What kind of women’s health organization de-funds another women’s health organization? Whatever happened to hoes before embryos? Kinda effed up, SGKF. Just sayin’.
So after much thought and coffee, I have developed a solution to this problem.
Republicans. Let us keep our American based Planned Parenthood locations. Let us continue providing low income women with contraception, cancer testing, STD testing and treatments, and all general gynecology services we women get and you men don’t want to hear about. In return, we will help advocate the building of Planned Parenthood locations in the Middle East. Why? The more contraception available to Middle Eastern women, the less terrorists in the world! YES! Oh, and get this. Since torture is pretty much a staple of American diplomacy and the prevention of war crimes, why not enforce some mandatory abortions of the future jihadists being conceived each day! Because, just keeping it real, we all know all this self-righteous morality disappears faster than Bin Laden’s corpse (eh hem…I call bullshit) when it comes to the war on terror. Keep it in mind.
Looking out for America, always.
The girl who, like 99% of liberals hates abortion but advocates the right to choose
There are a lot of good things to be said about China. It is home of one of the few manmade structures that can be seen from space, and the food, single-handedly responsible for the coining of the internationally endearing term “fat Americans.” We can’t deny glory where glory is due. But not everything in China is all puppies and aborted female fetuses; there are actually some issues worth getting upset about. Case in point, the Chinese government’s use of internet censorship.
The Chinese government has placed more than 60 internet regulations on citizen internet use, which according to Amnesty Internationalhas resulted in the largest recorded number of imprisoned journalists and cyber-dissidents in the world. Not even a generous plate of buffet style Chinese donuts could excuse this sort of heinous governmental activity. Not cool, China. Not cool. They are served better hot 😉
But here we are in 2012, when promoting American exceptionalism incites collective nut busting of pretty much every God-fearing American (GFA), so you would think that those same GFAs would like to maintain what makes America so exceptional. Enter SOPA.
SOPA is the Stop Online Piracy Act. For those of you who have been living under some sort of sedimentary substance for the past few months, allow me to explain. SOPA basically allows the government to shut down, or censor, any website that has had any one complaint about copyright infringement. Meaning, blogs using images like this without permission:
Or youtube videos featuring songs like this:
…could be considered copyright infringement. Now as much as I would love to live in a world where Justin Bieber doesn’t exist, every decade has its disco so really he’s just fulfilling that need. Besides, there are unfortunate results of every good thing, like Law and Order: Criminal Intent. But to enforce censorship in AMERICA? Land of the Free-dom fries??? No, I don’t think so.
So in support of the ever-growing fight against SOPA, I am going to black out my blog, along with internet giants, Wikipedia.com, Google.com, WordPress.com (go blog host!), and countless others. To show your support visit: STOP SOPA NOW!
The girl who hopes to overcome her lack of internet sav and actually go dark, but if not will find some other way to show support.
See Ya Later, Ambien: How Obama and the Indefinite Detention of U.S. Citizens Will Help Me Sleep at Night
The War on Terror has encapsulated my life. Though it did not officially begin until 2001, I have feared the turban with unprecedented bedwetting since I was four years old and saw Aladdin for the first time. Following the 1993 World Trade Center bombings, I was diagnosed with Insomniac Depression Instigated by the Overreaction to Terrorism (IDIOT) Disorder. Crippled by fears of curry, the body hair of Middle-Eastern men, and the presence of radical Islam, I have spent nearly twenty years of my life lying awake at night, trembling in horror from the constant threat to my freedom as an American. Up until December 31, 2011, I could only begin to relieve my terror each night by listening to Rush Limbaugh and humming “God Bless the USA” to myself until I fell asleep.
But on January 1, 2012 I awoke to a blessing disguised as a “friend’s” Facebook post of an article from the head news organization of the liberal media elite, known as the “New York Times.” It revealed to my baggy eyes, a new law put in place by President Obama called the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA). Now, to be fair, my initial reaction was not that of increased patriotic sentiment. In fact, I felt no prouder to be an American than when I went to bed the night before, as I assumed this was some sort of law Communist Obama was using to further strip America of its greatness as a nation. But when I read the article and learned what the law entails, a feeling of warm, safe, ignorant bliss, flowed through my well-fed American body.
The NDAA is a law stating that under the President’s authority, any suspect of terrorism, including U.S. citizens arrested in the United States, could be indefinitely detained, without charge or trial, and possibly under control of the U.S. Armed Forces.
Physically aroused by the thought of combatting terror on American soil, I stepped away from my computer and resigned to a cold shower. Trying to free my mind and body from the frenzy of pleasure this latest act of government control incited in me, proved to be more difficult than expected. I found my mind swirling in a haze of jingoistic pride. Who knew a reformed terrorist like Barrack Obama could enforce such a patriotic response to the threat of domestic-based terrorism? Not me, that’s for sure. Just knowing, that fellow Americans like me, innocent and never to be charged or proven guilty of anything in particular, could be denied their constitutional right to trial by jury, already makes me feel safer.
But it seems, I am one of few to see the beauty in this law. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), an evidently popular terrorist organization, has released statements, treasonously speaking out against this law and President Obama.
“President Obama’s action … is a blight on his legacy because he will forever be known as the president who signed indefinite detention without charge or trial into law,” ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero said.
Um, as if?
The ACLU, the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR), the Human Rights Watch and other anti-freedom organizations, keep referring to this law as “unconstitutional” and “authoritarian.” But like, since when has protecting our freedom been unconstitutional? The whole point of the government is to make sure no uppity Muslims can take away our constitutional rights to being Christian and owning guns. But unfortunately, some ungrateful Americans, feel the need to participate in terrorist activities like joining Jihadist Facebook groups and TiVoing “American Muslim.” Frankly, I think there is absolutely no reason, that whole “innocent until proven guilty, trial by jury” thing, should apply to these phony, undeserving Americans. In fact, I’m PRETTY sure, our Founding Fathers would agree that, when it comes to fighting for our freedom, the constitution is sort of a null and void set of guidelines, at best, and if they were important, we wouldn’t have reelected Bush after he approved the Patriot Act. More like, ACL-U don’t know what you’re talking about! Might as well rename yourself the Al’Qaeda Coalition of Liberty Under-miners!
When our freedom to be fat and unemployed is at stake, the government has every right to trample the rights of the people. And any so-called American who wants to challenge the authority of our government, which only has our BEST intentions in mind, should be detained. After all, if you aren’t making a bomb in your attic, browsing Iraqi porn on the Internet, or doing anything else the NDAA fails to mention as actual reasons for the indefinite detainment of Americans…hmm…, anyway, if you aren’t doing anything the government, vaguely describes as possible “suspected terrorism,” you have nothing to worry about. Yeah, I mean, I’m not sure exactly what they consider suspected terrorism, but I’m sure it’s pretty bad, and as I always say,” if Toby Keith wouldn’t, I shouldn’t.”
But what I’m mostly concerned about is this radical, anti-troops notion that the military involvement in this law is a bad thing. Look, people, the military is here to protect us. If Obama says someone is a threat, then they MUST be a threat, and therefore deserve whatever they have coming to them. Frankly, I’m shocked that anyone could even insinuate that the Armed Forces would abuse their power. It’s not like that’s ever happened before…
Ok, ok, but that’s no worse than a typical Red State method of punishment, much akin to a childhood spanking….
ANYWAY I just thought I should write something to express my gratitude to the Obama Administration. I for one, have never felt so safe and so proud to be an American citizen, temporarily free to roam our gold-paved streets. So I want to thank you, President Obama. Thank you for using your elected-position to infringe on the rights of the people who elected you. I know you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t truly believe it was the right thing. I’m proud of you and anyone who disagrees can go choke on some freedom fries.
The girl who really, seriously, PRAYS, from the bottom of her heart, that ya’ll can appreciate some sarcasm.
WARNING: This blog post contains graphic depictions of my wasted youth that in no way reflects on the other members of the 99%, but rather leeches off of their popularity in hopes that the mere mention of the 99% will illicit further readership.
In the international social system, the people are represented by two separate but not equally important groups: the destitute 99%, who don’t like to bathe; and the unreasonably r*ch 1%, who never have to wear the same pair of underwear two days in a row. These are their stories.
December 14, 2011
After a lengthy evening of bedside reading and late-night cyber intercourse, I startled myself this morning when I awoke prior to the nine o’clock hour. As I stretched my limbs, I was greeted by the heavenly sun. I gazed in wonder at its blossoming rays, remembering the words, of that guy, in that one Youtube video, who said the sun is one of few things left that is still virtuous and uncorrupted, knowing not of class warfare, Katy Perry, or my attempted tax evasion. I paraphrase of course.
The two family shih tzus, Sam and Molly Bean, greeted me and helped me to dress. As Molly tied a ribbon in my hair, I cradled Sam, softly humming the melody of “Sing Sweet Nightingale,” a song so beautiful, I nearly forgot about my dwindling credit score and non-existent retirement options.
I travelled to the house’s single washroom, where I bathed with toilet water and Comet. I proceeded to brush my teeth with such vigor and disdain, my toothbrush shattered, dramatically, in my hand, splitting into two pieces. This was the first red letter moment of the day.
After bidding farewell to the defective remains of the Crest corporation mouthpiece, I spent several hours baking Christmas
cookies. An activity formerly reserved for the bottom-feeders of society, unable to afford fancy Wal-Mart bakery goods, has at once turned profitable! This holiday season, I am selling cookie trays as a supplemental, unreported, income. I cackle in victory every time I deposit the virginal checks into my credit union, unmolested by the greedy, corporate, government, Wall Street, fat cats, gobbledygook.
I spent the remainder of the afternoon, indulging in the performing arts, single-handedly choreographing and performing a dazzling rendition of “Proud Mary” for the dogs. They validated my efforts with a sneeze and a yawn. I was touched.
By the evening I was off to work at the local coffee and donut establishment where lack of customers and professionalism, allowed me to blast Bob Dylan, write on my laptop, and obnoxiously consume three large coffees in six hours. One customer tipped me $1 for serving a $1.75 cup of coffee. I smiled and thanked him, but spat at the ground where he stood, as soon as he exited, scoffing at his condescending gesture. Surely he was one of “they who must not be named”….the 1%.
…I just named them
After work, I journeyed yonder across town, weathering the elements on my two mile drive….
I can’t lie. I’m writing this from work. I’m bored. There are no customers, except one creepy pregnant chick sitting in the corner, eating a McFlurry and staring at me, and some old dude who keeps talking about how he sleeps in the nude. I worked here in high school. A few years later here I am again, with a college degree on my wall, a certificate of divorce in my desk, and nearly three years of seriously professional work experience, with salaries, commissions, paid vacation, and health insurance to validate it. At least I have this blog…right?…RIGHT? Shoot me.
Just as I was writing this the pregnant chick came up to me and showed me a text of her daughter-to-be’s name. Then she told me about her G.E.D. test and her problems with her cheating boyfriend, who says he loves her, even though he’s broken up with her four times since she got pregnant. She makes me sad. Like a three-legged puppy or a pageant baby. I want to adopt her.
Now I’m going to go mop the floor, wipe the counters, and run into a knife.
Thanks for reading.
The girl who despite harsh sarcasm, actually supports the Occupy Movement
Yahoo is a website known for its hard-hitting journalism. Why, just this morning I learned that askmen.com named Jennifer Aniston the “Hottest Woman of All Time,” and that Kris Humphries squirmed in some inconsequential interview during his reality divorce media tour, which is sure to come to a close as soon as people decide they don’t care about any “marriage” between two strangers’ that was shorter than my last menstrual cycle. Nevertheless, while browsing the momentous headlines Yahoo promotes with gripping, front-page appearances, (implying to those less observant that these stories are actually relevant to our sheep-like existence) I came across a rare and delightful story about classy, put-together, screen legend-to-be, Lindsay Lohan.
I was instantly mesmerized by the enticing, yet informative headline:
With a dead-behind-the-eyes need for conformity, I clicked on this link and read with peeked interest, as my buttocks slowly began to slip from the edge of my seat.
“The talented but troubled Lindsay Lohan will appear in the altogether in an upcoming issue of Playboy. Earlier this week, the cover of the magazine was leaked. The photo showed Lohan in a provocative pose, with certain areas obscured by the magazine’s bunny logo…”
O.M.G. this IS interesting! But with a lack of commitment necessary to read a full news story, I channeled the rest of the population with a fruit-fly attention span and quickly darted my eyes to the lower half of the article (dirty!).
“It’s a very male-dominated world,” Lohan said. “So knowing yourself and being comfortable with your body is an important thing for me as a woman. Everyone entitled to their opinion, but that’s mine.”
This quote, promptly stirred me from my pop culture stupor. Yes, Lindsay. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion…unless it’s stupid. I know calling myself a feminist isn’t exactly a popular label these days, but like, I can’t afford Gucci, so ima stick wit it.
This quote makes me die inside. Now I know Lindsay’s opinions pretty much mean nothing to anyone now that she’s cemented her trashiness in print after years of just promoting it in action. I know there are no stable little girls/ignorant teens that look up to her anymore, so I don’t have to worry about the direct consequences of her statements. But I am still going to deconstruct them, if for no other reason than the fact that I think it’s fun to make fun of drug-riddled hussies.
This phony female empowerment argument has been made since the beginning of time (or since the early 1980s, no big diff) to counteract any backlash toward unadulterated sluttiness. While I do believe, strongly, that female sexuality does need a revolution of sorts, I hardly believe the avenue for that is a men’s pornography magazine.
There is a certain irony in pretending that finding comfort with your body on the pages of Playboy is counteractive to the “male-dominated world” we live in. I’m pretty sure that by using a male-dominated (in terms of creation and purchasing power) publication to advocate your lack of body issues, you are directly feeding into that male-dominated world. Stripping down, undergoing several hours of makeup and hair styling, posing in sexually submissive positions, and having your body airbrushed to the supposed male expectations of perfection, won’t exactly incite another fist pump from Rosie the Riveter.
Playboy exists solely for the sexual gratification of males, with the force-fed insecurity of females an unfortunate consequence. Playboy does not promote female sexuality, but rather the sexuality that men supposedly want from females. To be honest, I don’t really care if Playboy exists. I just care that women feed into it under the ignorant notion that it has anything to do with female empowerment. I know somebody has to spread their legs in the crease of a centerfold if we don’t want the world as we know it to spontaneously combust, but c’mon, Lindsay. Really? REALLY?
This whole, “let’s take our tops off and make out on top of the bar so guys can high-five each other while they watch” female culture we live in is getting old. Why does this type of so-called female sexuality only come about in response to the male desire for it? It is so painfully pathetic to grow up in a world where girls post Facebook kissy-face pictures of themselves in underwear to see how many guys reply with a “wow ur so butiful,” without ever looking at her face.
Men hardly even try to be appealing to women, proven solely by the startling number of prospective male companions who have openly farted in front of me before laughing about it. Why do females get so caught up in it? As much as Marilyn Monroe fascinates me, she isn’t exactly a beacon of true female sexuality, since her whole game was to play into the shameless, innocence of it. If women have to emulate a sex symbol, I wish instead that it was someone like Mae West who was powerful, unapologetic, and totally in it because she wanted to be, and she believed in the importance of her own needs, not just that of her partner. That is female empowerment, Linds.
I’m not saying Lindsay Lohan ever claimed to be a feminist, but by acknowledging the male domination in our world, she is indicating her understanding of the worldwide need for female empowerment. Had she just smacked her gums and blown a bubble giggling something like, “I just forgot to wear underwear that day, haha” I’d find her trivial and embarrassing to womankind, but I wouldn’t write a blog about it.
Ok, rant done. Enjoy the rest of your day and for God’s sake keep your clothes on, shawties.
The girl who is proud to be a modern-day, bra-wearing feminist
PS: In less headline-worthy news, three women were also honored with the Nobel Peace Prize today, go figure.