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No Furniture, Internet, or Dignity in this Apartment!!!

It’s unbelievable the lengths I will go to for this blog. It’s like, I’m the guy in “Oops I did it again” who was so into Britney that he “went down and got it for her” in a surprisingly non-dirty act of romance. But instead of a dude swimming to the bottom of the Atlantic to retrieve a piece of gaudy costume jewelry, I’m a girl who doesn’t have the internet and had to go to a local grocery store to pick up Wi-Fi. So you can see the resemblance.

“It’s Britney, Bitch”

I moved into my apartment today. So far it’s been a train wreck. Well, not a train wreck. More like a plane landing on the Hudson, only slightly less heroic. Mostly because I have no furniture, but 19 posters of Bob Dylan. I’m making it work.

To give you some perspective on what I’m dealing with here, I have generously included 2 diagrammed pictures of my current living situation:




Ok, so it was a slight exaggeration to say I have NO furniture, but the furniture I do have is barely relevant to survival so really I might as well have not have any.

Nevertheless, this is my life. My internet-less, cable-less, often window-less life, and I am digging it like whoa to be perfectly honest. Now, since the only thing I’ve consumed for the last several hours has been Fanta Orange Juice and pretzel rods, I am going to buy some groceries. Then I’m going to go to Wal-Mart and try not to hang myself. Then I’m going to go back to my apartment and continue tacking flat double-bed sheets to my walls in lieu of tapestries.

Yeah, that’s right. Be jealous…

No one else is :/


The girl who did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!!!

…to her recollection…

“I Am a Golden God!”: The Small Victory of May 17, 2012

This is what I did today:



Yes, I realize you don’t know what you are looking at.

Yes, I realize that this is impressive to no one, including me now that I am seeing it up close.  I mean, anyone could stretch a fitted sheet over an ugly shelf.  It’s like putting a beret on a redhead. But  despite that I am proud. Proud of my ability to think creatively in the face of plastic wood adversity. Proud to find a use for a fitted sheet that did not involve tears of defeat expelling from my eyes as I unsuccessfully attempt to fold it.

Yes, I realize this is a small victory for myself. But sometimes small victories are all one has left when one’s love life has dissolved, work life has exploded, and home life has relocated. With all of the stress, I need a small victory. I put 3 different chap sticks through the laundry rinse cycle in the past 2 days. I’m still crying.


The girl under the influence of victory and Raisin Bran