See Ya Later, Ambien: How Obama and the Indefinite Detention of U.S. Citizens Will Help Me Sleep at Night
The War on Terror has encapsulated my life. Though it did not officially begin until 2001, I have feared the turban with unprecedented bedwetting since I was four years old and saw Aladdin for the first time. Following the 1993 World Trade Center bombings, I was diagnosed with Insomniac Depression Instigated by the Overreaction to Terrorism (IDIOT) Disorder. Crippled by fears of curry, the body hair of Middle-Eastern men, and the presence of radical Islam, I have spent nearly twenty years of my life lying awake at night, trembling in horror from the constant threat to my freedom as an American. Up until December 31, 2011, I could only begin to relieve my terror each night by listening to Rush Limbaugh and humming “God Bless the USA” to myself until I fell asleep.
But on January 1, 2012 I awoke to a blessing disguised as a “friend’s” Facebook post of an article from the head news organization of the liberal media elite, known as the “New York Times.” It revealed to my baggy eyes, a new law put in place by President Obama called the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA). Now, to be fair, my initial reaction was not that of increased patriotic sentiment. In fact, I felt no prouder to be an American than when I went to bed the night before, as I assumed this was some sort of law Communist Obama was using to further strip America of its greatness as a nation. But when I read the article and learned what the law entails, a feeling of warm, safe, ignorant bliss, flowed through my well-fed American body.
The NDAA is a law stating that under the President’s authority, any suspect of terrorism, including U.S. citizens arrested in the United States, could be indefinitely detained, without charge or trial, and possibly under control of the U.S. Armed Forces.
Physically aroused by the thought of combatting terror on American soil, I stepped away from my computer and resigned to a cold shower. Trying to free my mind and body from the frenzy of pleasure this latest act of government control incited in me, proved to be more difficult than expected. I found my mind swirling in a haze of jingoistic pride. Who knew a reformed terrorist like Barrack Obama could enforce such a patriotic response to the threat of domestic-based terrorism? Not me, that’s for sure. Just knowing, that fellow Americans like me, innocent and never to be charged or proven guilty of anything in particular, could be denied their constitutional right to trial by jury, already makes me feel safer.
But it seems, I am one of few to see the beauty in this law. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), an evidently popular terrorist organization, has released statements, treasonously speaking out against this law and President Obama.
“President Obama’s action … is a blight on his legacy because he will forever be known as the president who signed indefinite detention without charge or trial into law,” ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero said.
Um, as if?
The ACLU, the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR), the Human Rights Watch and other anti-freedom organizations, keep referring to this law as “unconstitutional” and “authoritarian.” But like, since when has protecting our freedom been unconstitutional? The whole point of the government is to make sure no uppity Muslims can take away our constitutional rights to being Christian and owning guns. But unfortunately, some ungrateful Americans, feel the need to participate in terrorist activities like joining Jihadist Facebook groups and TiVoing “American Muslim.” Frankly, I think there is absolutely no reason, that whole “innocent until proven guilty, trial by jury” thing, should apply to these phony, undeserving Americans. In fact, I’m PRETTY sure, our Founding Fathers would agree that, when it comes to fighting for our freedom, the constitution is sort of a null and void set of guidelines, at best, and if they were important, we wouldn’t have reelected Bush after he approved the Patriot Act. More like, ACL-U don’t know what you’re talking about! Might as well rename yourself the Al’Qaeda Coalition of Liberty Under-miners!
When our freedom to be fat and unemployed is at stake, the government has every right to trample the rights of the people. And any so-called American who wants to challenge the authority of our government, which only has our BEST intentions in mind, should be detained. After all, if you aren’t making a bomb in your attic, browsing Iraqi porn on the Internet, or doing anything else the NDAA fails to mention as actual reasons for the indefinite detainment of Americans…hmm…, anyway, if you aren’t doing anything the government, vaguely describes as possible “suspected terrorism,” you have nothing to worry about. Yeah, I mean, I’m not sure exactly what they consider suspected terrorism, but I’m sure it’s pretty bad, and as I always say,” if Toby Keith wouldn’t, I shouldn’t.”
But what I’m mostly concerned about is this radical, anti-troops notion that the military involvement in this law is a bad thing. Look, people, the military is here to protect us. If Obama says someone is a threat, then they MUST be a threat, and therefore deserve whatever they have coming to them. Frankly, I’m shocked that anyone could even insinuate that the Armed Forces would abuse their power. It’s not like that’s ever happened before…
Ok, ok, but that’s no worse than a typical Red State method of punishment, much akin to a childhood spanking….
ANYWAY I just thought I should write something to express my gratitude to the Obama Administration. I for one, have never felt so safe and so proud to be an American citizen, temporarily free to roam our gold-paved streets. So I want to thank you, President Obama. Thank you for using your elected-position to infringe on the rights of the people who elected you. I know you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t truly believe it was the right thing. I’m proud of you and anyone who disagrees can go choke on some freedom fries.
The girl who really, seriously, PRAYS, from the bottom of her heart, that ya’ll can appreciate some sarcasm.