It goes without saying that my blog has become a staple in contemporary American culture. Late night talk shows reference it, MSNBC counts on it for breaking opinionated headlines, and E! is currently working on a reality show entitled “The Girlwiththeblog Next Door to Kim and Kourtney Taking Kendra to Khloe and Lamar to Buy Some Dirty Soap.” One does not get this sort of pop culture recognition without a certain level of mind-numbing dedication.
While my weekends are spent watching Netflix with my mother and singing a capella church hymns in my best “1960’s African American Baptist Choir voice,” my weekdays are spent, hour after hour, drooling into a coffee mug, staring at the computer screen, refreshing the “site stats” page of my blog, monitoring how many views it gets per day. Haha, jk. Not really. Anyway. I realized long ago, that on this same page there is a breakdown of not only how many views per day, but how I got said views, (facebook, google, pornhub, etc.). Furthermore, the “big brother” tendencies of WordPress allow me to see the search terms used to bring all you strange, desperate folk to the land of beards and belly rubs. I’ve never written about belly rubs. I just felt like writing that.
Nevertheless, during one lazy-eyed, drool-inducing afternoon, I took a gander at these terms. Upon browsing them, I was shocked. Nauseous. Over-reactive? Maybe. But seriously, my mind could not formulate a connection between Google searches like “sex with cocoa puffs” and “walmart redneck woman holding child by leg” and my wholesome,
YA-rated blog. I was befuddled. Then I realized, wait! Just, wait a second here. These cocoa puff redneck fetish freaks don’t want to find my blog and are most likely sad in the pants when they do. They are searching for something else. Something more “appropriate” for their needs. Something like:
“Sex with cocoa puffs” search result:
Ok, I admit. I was a tad disappointed when the most exciting thing I saw upon searching “sex with cocoa puffs” was a picture of this lone, potato. But after seconds of digging I realized, there’s like, a book about sex and cocoa puffs, written by Chuck Klosterman. A man who evidently, not only has highly impressive facial hair, but also the same Sun Records t-shirt as me and every other white kid who digs 1950s rock-a-billy. This search has not only helped me to further understand the audience that seeks my love and affection, but also inspired my next writing project. Literotica fan fiction about Chuck Klosterman. Swoon.
So, in an effort to be the blog with the best customer service, I am going to do yo’ asses a favor. I am going to use my readers’ search terms and take a stab at finding what they were truly looking for. To make this less boring, I am going to limit my search to Google Images. Sorry, Bing. No one likes you anyway.
Search Results of Terms Most Likely Used In An Effort To Find Something Other Than This Blog:
1. “Gingerbread Man Sightings”
I’m not exactly sure what a gingerbread man sighting is, but I imagine it something similar to that of a Sasquatch; most commonly taking place on Western Oregon mountain tops and in Republican Senators’ hotel rooms.
2. “Fat Chick On Toilet”
And honestly, I know some people may find the picture to the right offensive. But let’s be honest. Every time I pee, Smucker’s Grape Jelly comes out. Just keepin’ it real.
3. “A Pie Chart for Forced Marriage”
“Dude, like, what marriage isn’t forced, am I right, bro? High five, motha-lovas, hang ten, yo.” -me as a man afraid of commitment. And a tool.
Honestly, I haven’t a clue what these peeps were looking for. I imagine their search was quite frustrating, as I could not find any pie charts related to forced matrimony, in the 72 seconds I looked. But to fulfill my obligation, I chose two images related to love. Ideally, if you are reading this, you are just happy to find something that acknowledges your search efforts. And then you will subscribe, share my blog with all your friends, and marry me under the the pollution clouds of New York City.
4. “Penis Chart By Height of Girl”
Ok, um, this may be a tad presumptuous, but I think it is safe to say, the dude on the left probably doesn’t even have a penis visible to the naked eye. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But it’s sort of along the lines of how only horrifically, unattractive girls wear shirts that say “2 Hawt 4 U” and “Don’t Hate Me Because You’re Ugly.” O.Henry would so dig that irony.
And is it just me, or is kinda creepy that a pie chart of the favorite colors of three year old girls shows up on the first page of a penis-related search? Hmm, let’s think about that.
5. “Hot 19 year old male”
Call me crazy, but I actually thought when I searched this I would get some pictures of hot 19 year old males. Silly me. I should have known I’d instead get a debonair version of Mr. Peanut and an Olympic athlete of the most homo-erotic sport known to man. Seriously, who finds male gymnasts hot, aside from other male gymnasts? Not to be P.I.C, but the only thing that would make this guy gayer would be if he was wearing a rhinestone sweatband.
6. “Quotes about ungrateful people”
I don’t think I could have found a better image than this one, since it is in fact true that only ungrateful bitches and insensitive assholes drive. But in the spirit of trying to find something more appropriate to the search, I give you this. The one profound thing ever to be found on this blog:
“I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strangely, I am ungrateful to these teachers.” – Kahlil Gibran
And I have learned to stop writing from those who have said it better. So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Since I get, oh so many views per day, from oh so many disturbing search terms, I could squander years of my life, writing this entry. However in an effort to get offline and actually do something with my existence, I am going to condense the rest. Here is a sample list of other entertaining terms used to find this here blog:
“I’m a woman with a beard”
“Fat woman empty wallet”
“Hide the sausage”
“Pie chart of election of 1860 electoral votes of candidates” (I know, like so totally academic)
“He left hickies on my boobs”
“Professional + Girl + Promiscuous”
I know. WOW. I keep one classy blog.
I hope this helped all you twisted, psychos, looking for results to your mostly unsettling searches. Keep searching, keep reading, and keep contacting me. Even with hate mail. Call me names, threaten my womanhood, offer your Peanut Butter to my Smucker’s Jelly. Maybe we can make Goober together.
I swear I’m not high.
The girl who, by herself, once ate an entire jar of Goober Grape in less than 48 hours.