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North Carolina Blues: The Story of the South Once Again Proving How Irrelevant They Are

Poor North Carolina.

After all of Asheville’s efforts to make the state seem cool and relevant to the rest of the U.S. beyond a convenient place to stop and take a dump on the way to Myrtle Beach, they have consummated their irrelevancy by proving just how uncool they really are.

Today voters in North Carolina passed an amendment to their state legislation to ban gay marriage. Now to be fair, North Carolina has always had a very traditional take on marriage. According to, North Carolina holds marriage values in high esteem, as proven with these laws:

In NC these girls can get married!!!
…just not to each other

  • Applicants 16 and 17 must present a consent form signed by the parent, individual, agency or institution having legal custody or serving as the legal guardian of the underage party.
  • Applicants 14 and 15 must provide a certified copy of the court order authorizing the marriage. A certified copy of the birth certificate is also required.

 *****A marriage license may not be issued to applicants under 14 years of age.


YOU SEE, gays? There’s no reason to be upset. 7th graders can’t get married either!!!

Well…at least not until 8th grade…

Wait, what?

Waiting Period:

No waiting period.


In North Carolina, marriage vows and long term “eternal” commitments can be made with relatively no forethought. As long as they are at least 14 year old penises and 14 year old vaginas, they can get married whenever they want, simply because they are penises and vaginas!

The high school marriage on One Tree Hill is suddenly making so much sense…


      Cousin Marriage:

Isn’t it just great?

       Yes. First cousins MAY marry, but DOUBLE first cousins may not. Double first cousins are very rare, as the couple have to be related as cousins through both parents.


Niiiiice. Now the next Christmas when sparks inevitably fly between me and my 14 year old cousin, I will have to remember that we can seal the deal with a quick trip to North Carolina, where residency is not required, waiting periods are not required, and penis/vagina matrimony reigns supreme.

Then we can go to Myrtle Beach.



The girl who relishes the divorce rate among straight couples who define the sanctity of marriage


PS: With the possibility that I have not convinced you that this latest slap in the face of ALL Americans (yes, all) and their right to marriage equality was just NC being a bitch, check out my other entry, “Why Gay Marriage Should Never Be Legalized and America Rocks!!!”   It’ll give you like, so much insight.

Why Gay Marriage Should Never Be Legalized and America ROCKS!!!

Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I am quite the radical. I use Splenda in place of sugar, put away my socks without matching them, and call people fascists just for fun. But there are some societal issues so outlandish in nature, so ridiculous in sentiment that even I have to put my foot down.

I didn’t say anything when women got the right to vote or when blacks and whites were integrated. I simply turned the other cheek and accepted that evil can’t always be prevented. But now as I stand here today, on the precipice of change for millions of homosexual Americans, I bite my tongue no more.

The passion I share for beard conservation is no match for that I feel for the conservation of marriage as we know it in our hearts and Bibles. So please, before deciding to support the extremist notion that “marriage is about love,” read my four reasons and thorough explanations of why that has no merit in the U.S.A!!!!

Misrepresentation of American Ideals – America is the greatest country on Earth. We love the apple pie that makes us fat, the baseball players who make more than our teachers, and the freedom to elect  lobbyist-abiding politicians. We have our priorities straight. Why cloud it with all this equality business? We already have a mildly black, foreign-born President. What more do these commy, bleedin’ hearts want? Think about it, people. If homos have the same rights as heteros, what’s to stop women from having the same rights as men? We are one gay wedding away from equal pay for equal work, and the deconstruction of the sociological structure of America. Is that what you want? To see our nation collapse? Yeah, I didn’t think so. So let’s forget all this equality nonsense and get sight of what truly matters in America; football, fake boobs, and apathetic citizenship.

allowed to marry

Sanctity of Marriage – Somewhere along the line, these “gays” got in in their bedazzled heads that marriage is something to be taken seriously. With all of the televised weddings and reality TV shows resulting in staged marriages, I’m not sure where they got this idea. But if committed gay couples are allowed to get married, what will that do for the dwindling sanctity of the union itself? After all, marriage isn’t about lifelong commitment, or taking a vow under God. It’s about TV ratings, million dollar paychecks, and image reconstruction after releasing a sex tape. If gay couples who value marriage so much they want to fight for it can actually get married, then how will American culture ever manage to diminish the meaning of the union altogether Do you want to undo all the hard work of Kim Kardashian, Britney Spears, and those two rabbits I saw getting married once on the local news, in deteriorating the meaning of marriage? I knew you’d come around.

not allowed to marry

Weakening family values – America is a traditionalist nation. Ask the majority of Republican politicians and they will say, from the comfort of their campaign hotel room, that family comes first. Family, as we know it in America, is a man, a woman, two and half children, a divorce settlement, and shared custody, with a few guilt purchases of rescue puppies thrown in the mix. This traditional, nuclear family model, is essential to seaming the fabric of our nation. You can’t just mess with it because a couple of bi-curious sorority girls decided to keep up the charade after the camera was turned off. Really, people. America is better than that.

Procreation – It may go without saying but, like, two dudes can’t procreate. Without procreation, what other purpose does marriage or sex serve for that matter? If you can’t contribute to overpopulation, you don’t deserve to go into debt for a wedding. While we’re at it, I propose we add sterility and fertility testing to heterosexual couples interested in saying “I do.” If they can’t have kids, they can get off the marriage bus and head to China where unwanted kids are plentiful and politically correct to adopt.

So there you have it, readers. All the reasons you will ever need to shun the rights of our homosexual neighbors. And if you ever run into one of those liberal SOB’s that support gay marriage, point them to my blog and remind them that this is America, where we like our businessmen fed, our children hungry, and the rights of our peers ignored.


The girl with a fake Facebook marriage to her dog