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Stop Calling Me Short, 50 Cent!!!: My 24th Birthday and 23 Accomplishments of the Last Year

On this day, last year, I reluctantly turned 23. I welcomed my inevitable aging with 2 bottles of Arbor Mist and FX reruns of Superbad, followed by fits of crying  and my now infamous Waffle House date. I wasn’t going into 23 with dignity if I could avoid it. Well, ladies and gentleman, I am pleased to tell you that after 365 days of fighting against this change, I have prevailed. As of today, I am no longer 23.

I’m not going to lie to you; 24 doesn’t feel all that different, aside from my overwhelming desire to kick back in some orthopedic shoes and watch my programs for a few hours. I’m actually feeling relatively decent about getting older. My biggest bitch is knowing that I am slowly inching my way toward an age where I will be too old to get away with my lack of life plan on account of being “young and exploring options.” That alone upsets me more than death or any amount of Rhianna remixes.

So to avoid that penetrating reality one more day, this is my plan:

  1. Shower
  2. Wash dishes
  3. Walk downtown and buy a scone
  4. Feel bad about buying a scone
  5. Eat the scone anyway
  6. Consider bulimia
  7. Go to my mom’s house where she, my sister, and brother will be hanging out for an obscenely long period of time because we are way too close and somewhat unhealthy
  8. Weep tears of gratitude for each present I receive because I’m emotionally unstable and incredibly charming
  9. Compose a mental list of goals to be completed while 24, knowing full well that no matter how much I do, the very idea of turning 25 makes me want to use my small intestine as a noose
  10. Go to bed happy

If anyone’s got his/her shit together, it would be me.

Now, last year in order to commemorate blossoming into my new age, I reflected on my 22nd year and compiled a list of 22 accomplishments. Using that logic, one might expect a list of 23 accomplishments, however being that I was kind of lazy and unmotivated this year, there’s a good chance it will stop at 6. Let’s see how far I can get:

  1. Started www.thegirlwiththeblog.com; which really, barely counts as an accomplishment if we’re being honest.
  2. Volunteered in the Dominican Republic
  3. Made $800 selling Christmas cookies
  4. Gained 15 pounds eating Christmas cookies
  5. Lived with my mom for 7 months

    “There’s no one here but us chickens!” – The Grey Gardens model for my own mother/daughter relationship

  6. Spent 24 hours on the courthouse steps for Occupy Nashville
  7. Gained an appreciation for the 40 hour work week through periods of unemployment and current over-employment
  8. Met one of the best friends ever from Murfreesboro, Tennessee 🙂
  9. Increased my credit score despite consistently late student loan payments
  10. Watched every Republican Presidential Debate
  11. Moved into my own apartment again
  12. Doubled my record collection
  13. Discovered Breaking Bad, Mad Men, and Parenthood.  I should probably be embarrassed by watching this much TV
  14. Like a fat Samantha Brick, been unjustifiably hit on more in my life than ever before
  15. Saw Titanic in 3D

    “He likes your yabbos”

  16. Developed an obsession with tights and stockings
  17. Reached 150 pages in my novel
  18. Realized an emphatic hatred for touch screen technology
  19. Was traumatized by my New Year’s Day horoscope that said I will struggle in love for the next 14 years
  20. Have become significantly happier since last year
  21. If my blog viewing stats page is correctly, hopefully made 30,000 people laugh. Or at least 12
  22. Most recently, met someone pretty awesome 🙂
  23. Came up with 23 quasi-accomplishments for this stupid list

That took way too long. Next year I’m using some form of intellectual Ex-lax to speed up this process. Or maybe I should just do more cool shit. Whatever.

Love,

The girl who is now 24 and still childishly obsessed with birthdays

My May Blogging “Challenge”

I need some goals in life. Goals more impressive than leaving my contacts in past 11:00 pm.

So I’ve decided that for the month of May I am going to write a blog post…

EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.

Ok, it’s not as dramatic as the caps lock and high frequency of periods would indicate. But it is a goal. A real one. Not like that time I said I’d stop eating like a pig and hating myself. I actually have a game plan:

I am going to blog every day. On the days I don’t want to blog, I am going to either

A. Post pictures of myself in various states of dress on my Linkedin profile, thus destroying future career prospects to serve as a reminder of my failure to achieve my goal.

OR

B. Stop crying like a bitch and write one anyway

Because in reality, this would not be an impressive goal to achieve. Lots of people blog everyday! Not me. I am too busy doing more important things like microwaving slices of American cheese and crying for no reason.

This is going to be like, so totally validating for my existence. Yay.

Love,

The girl who even when alone is embarrassed every time “Bare Naked” by Jennifer Love Hewitt comes on her iPod.