Blog Archives

Six (More) Characteristics of My Future Ex-Husband

The last time I blogged about my future ex-husband, I was still not entirely free from my first ex-husband. But now that I am 9 months legally divorced and sober from marital strife, I’ve decided it is nothing short of necessary to write another personal ad to the world revealing my deepest innermost desires for love, happiness, and someone to clean up after me when I miss the toilet bowl.

Moments like this remind me of why I am single.

Anyway.

To further narrow the plethora of romantic options that bombard me on a daily basis (ha!) I am going to follow up on the original six characteristics of my future ex-husband. Let’s do this.

1. Cologne wearer of side show proportions:

My future ex-husband will undoubtedly wear cologne. But not just any cologne. Grade A douchebag cologne. Cologne sold at Hollister, Express, and Rite Aid discount bins. Cologne that conveys an overwhelming attraction to Natural Light and girls with butterfly tramp stamps.

I wish this wasn’t true.  But I can’t deny the fact, that every time a guy with pierced ears and a backwards Yankees baseball cap passes me on the street and I get a whiff of the sweet scent of bottled stupidity he bathed in earlier that morning, I shudder with physical excitement.

 2. Plays a musical instrument guitar

I’d like to say I am open-minded to whatever kind of instrument he plays, but I’m really not.  I’m not going to accept some mediocre Billy Joel-esque piano rendition of “Blowin in the Wind” when he is fulfilling his hourly requirement of serenading to me. It’s either guitar or one of the pre-approved string instruments I wet dream about.

*I will also accept a man with harmonica playing skills for reasons that have nothing to do with music.

 3. A Fan of NATURAL blondes

There is a rumor circulating through the public restrooms of America that men prefer to call blondes for a good time, than women of any other hair color. However in my experience, almost every man I have ever made acquaintance with has openly told me he prefers brunettes. Even my aforementioned ex-husband mentioned in our pre-marital counseling that his only qualms with my looks involve my Nazi hair color. He wasn’t even Jewish!

So, enough of that b***shit. If my future ex-husband is going to love my hair. He is going to worship it with passion formerly reserved for all of the hobbies I force him to give up.

4. Says no to trendy word choices

“My mancave is like, so random. But it’s soooooo awkward when my bros stop by. EPIC FAIL.”

My future ex-husband will never say this sentence. Or the word  “chillax.”

5. Won’t own an iPhone

iHate iPhones and iHate anyone who disagrees on the matter. The only benefit of owning an iPhone is that it gives you some way to entertain yourself while your iPhone lacking peers mock your inability to participate in a conversation without Googling every topic mentioned.

My future ex husband will not own an iPhone and will instead have the ability to communicate like a real live boy, spending his youth doing something

more productive than playing “Draw Something”. Like watching “Rupal’s Drag Race.”

 6. Intellectual Capabilities that Far Exceed Mine

This one will be difficult as it is has been a good 6 months since I’ve met a man who could spell the word calendar without spellcheck. Nevertheless I have faith that my future ex-husband will be such a rare form of genius, he will feel the overwhelming need to remind me of my intellectual failures on a daily basis, from my inability to recite multiples of ten to ignorance of economic policy. After all,if I’m not constantly made to feel inadequate, it’s not a real relationship.

 

This is good. The last time I wrote a blog like this, I had a difficult time imagining divorcing the man I described. But this time I’m looking forward to freshening up on Pennsylvania divorce laws.

I hope you enjoyed your venture into my neurosis and always remember: “A woman with no standards, can never get disappointed.”

Love,

The girl who wishes she read that in a Chinese fortune cookie, instead of having to claim it as her own

Fat Babies, Ben Affleck, and the Demise of Loneliness

I’m feeling rather lonely tonight. Not go out and get drunk, pregnant, and Plan B kind of lonely; but rather stay in, do laundry, and contemplate all of the reasons I  am alone kind of lonely. Here are three:

1. I only go to three places everyday: work, home, and the bathroom. I may or may not throw the gas station in there when I want to satisfy my adventurous spirit. Not exactly havens for pheromone exchange.

2. My hair is too long/perfume too strong/I sing a good song/but I rhyme all wrong.

3. I am entirely unlovable.

….

But I try not to focus on these things. I’d much rather distract myself with Google searches of baby animals. Tonight it went something like this:

“Cute Puppies”

“Happy Puppies”

“Fat babies”

“Hot guy with babies”

***Unfortunately every “hot” guy with a baby was unacceptable. But i did find this semi-attractive bearded Ben Affleck!!!! Score?

Sigh.

Maybe I’ll just watch Gossip Girl.
Love,

The girl under “house arrest for the heart” (the alternate name for the Emo band she will lead if “Tears of Placenta” is off the table)

North Carolina Blues: The Story of the South Once Again Proving How Irrelevant They Are

Poor North Carolina.

After all of Asheville’s efforts to make the state seem cool and relevant to the rest of the U.S. beyond a convenient place to stop and take a dump on the way to Myrtle Beach, they have consummated their irrelevancy by proving just how uncool they really are.

Today voters in North Carolina passed an amendment to their state legislation to ban gay marriage. Now to be fair, North Carolina has always had a very traditional take on marriage. According to www.usmarriagelaws.com, North Carolina holds marriage values in high esteem, as proven with these laws:

In NC these girls can get married!!!
…just not to each other

  • Applicants 16 and 17 must present a consent form signed by the parent, individual, agency or institution having legal custody or serving as the legal guardian of the underage party.
  • Applicants 14 and 15 must provide a certified copy of the court order authorizing the marriage. A certified copy of the birth certificate is also required.

 *****A marriage license may not be issued to applicants under 14 years of age.

 

YOU SEE, gays? There’s no reason to be upset. 7th graders can’t get married either!!!

Well…at least not until 8th grade…

Wait, what?

Waiting Period:

No waiting period.

 

In North Carolina, marriage vows and long term “eternal” commitments can be made with relatively no forethought. As long as they are at least 14 year old penises and 14 year old vaginas, they can get married whenever they want, simply because they are penises and vaginas!

The high school marriage on One Tree Hill is suddenly making so much sense…

 

      Cousin Marriage:

Isn’t it just great?

       Yes. First cousins MAY marry, but DOUBLE first cousins may not. Double first cousins are very rare, as the couple have to be related as cousins through both parents.

 

Niiiiice. Now the next Christmas when sparks inevitably fly between me and my 14 year old cousin, I will have to remember that we can seal the deal with a quick trip to North Carolina, where residency is not required, waiting periods are not required, and penis/vagina matrimony reigns supreme.

Then we can go to Myrtle Beach.

 

Love,

The girl who relishes the divorce rate among straight couples who define the sanctity of marriage

 

PS: With the possibility that I have not convinced you that this latest slap in the face of ALL Americans (yes, all) and their right to marriage equality was just NC being a bitch, check out my other entry, “Why Gay Marriage Should Never Be Legalized and America Rocks!!!”   It’ll give you like, so much insight.

Relationship Status Update and a Bug Bite On My Boob

Forty-two days ago I wrote a blog entry about being at the cusp of a new and healthy relationship..  It was basically my opportunity to tell the world, “Yes, I am capable of dating someone who does not shit the bed OR have stories about the time they underwent 72 hours of psychiatric evaluation.” It was like a breath of fresh air after two years in a closet with Carrot Top. I have a feeling he smells bad. I have no factual evidence to back this up.

Well, needless to say, that relationship dropped dead about a month ago and I haven’t gotten around to blogging about it. Not necessarily out of depression because it was a mutual decision, but because it seems like a weird thing to blog about. You know, like talking about my huge boobs or how I pee when I sneeze. Oh, wait…

We haven’t spoken at all since I ended it via text message (I should be shot). The thing is, Gerard (pseudonym) was a grand chap. We had a lot of fun together but unfortunately too little in common and too far of a distance to sustain. I think and hope we both agree on this.

So now I’ve been single for about a month. Unfortunately within that month my market value has depreciated. Though my body has begrudgingly surrendered five pounds to my slightly healthier eating habits, my overall body-bettering efforts have been lost.

I got a bug bite on my right boob.

At least I think it was a bug bite.

It was red, swollen, and looked like it may have been filled with pre-historic DNA. If that’s not a bug bite, I don’t know what is.

So naturally I assaulted it. I started to pinch it and squeeze it and treat it like a third nipple. But then it started bleeding so I put alcohol on it (terrible idea). Then it turned a weird white color. Then a few days later it was all red with a tiny scab on it. Now it looks like my gingerbread man mosquito bite scar from last summer which is only cute when it is not on my right boob.

So  basically I am single with a mangled breast which isn’t even a secret anymore because I’m posting it on my blog which happens to have an international audience, with highly judgmental feelings about breasts. And as an added bonus, I am apparently a bitch, as this conversation just went down on Facebook:

So who wants to be my friend???? Let me know so I can start devaluing your existence ASAP.

Love,

The girl who has spent her morning singing a country rendition of “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry

The Charms and Harms of My Mother’s Man

My mother has an unemployed, black male living in her house.

I know what you’re thinking. Why you gotta pull the race card into it, bitch? Because she does. All the time. Every time she talks about finding a new one she specifies that he will have to be 100% black. None of the half and half shit.

Honestly, the black part really doesn’t bother me. Live and let live, right? Plus he can be sort of cute when he wants to be.

Sort of.

But what makes me want to drop kick him out the door is his unfounded sense of entitlement. I try to tell her that it’s unhealthy to let him run her life and interfere in our family, but she tells me that he really loves her and tells him not to listen to me. It’s a vicious cycle that’s been going on for far too long.

I don’t know if she was feeling lonely or what, but four years ago she got “online.”  She started browsing ads with pictures and descriptions, all looking for their “best friend” promising to be “fun “and “loving.” All the standard lines.

Then she saw him. To quote her, “I saw that black face and I just fell in love.”

Pathetic.

A few weeks later he moved in. A few days after that and he was already sleeping in her bed. Now, I’m not saying my mom is easy or anything but… I was living there at the time and I can tell you with 100% certainty, it didn’t take that much convincing.

It was okay at first. He was friendly enough and kind of fun to hang out with. My brother wasn’t too big on the whole thing though. Overtime we all came to accept the fact that things were going to be different.

But after a few months of him lounging around the house, sleeping full days while my mom worked, then demanding meals when she got home, it became quite obvious that this had transformed into a highly abusive relationship.

when you consider the fact that these are both actors it's pretty funny...well, maybe just to me

She stopped going out on evenings and weekends always saying she “felt bad” about leaving him. I kept telling her that he was a big boy and he could survive without her for a while, but she’d just shake her head and tell me I didn’t understand. It wasn’t that easy.

Overtime he convinced her that he was really lonely during the days, crying and throwing fits. Instead of kicking his ass out, she invited his little sister to come live with us too. His little sister is not much younger than him, same dad different mom. She’s only half black, but twice as loud.

Now here we are, four years later, with things getting worse by the day. He’s still not working, still demanding all of her attention, and still only willing to eat organic food served at very specific temperatures. But that’s hardly the worst part.

He’s sleeping with me now too.

Oh the charms of a 15 pounds shih tzu…

He's got hoes in different area codes...

Love,

The girl with youngest child syndrome

Everything That Is Wrong With My New Relationship

Relationships are tough. If they weren’t, there would be a lot less Broken Condom Baby Traps (BCBT) plotted each year.

Haha, JK.

I don’t know what that is.

…anyway.

I’ve had my share of fecal abundant relationships in recent years, many of which I have spouted off about in this very blog. Evidently, accusations of slander and threats to my personhood mean nothing to me because I am about to do it again. For those of you who do not spend your free time in the tree outside my window, I will give you a little back story on my current “involvement,” (thanks MS Word thesaurus! ;))

In mid-January, I found myself lonely and searching for love, just as I have the last 23 years of my life. Late night webcam conversations with hot foreign dudes and slightly homosexual thoughts about Amanda Seyfried ceased to keep me warm at night, so I decided to try “dating” again.  I met the gentleman in question, we’ll call him Walter Von Trapp…

er…Milton Lebowitz

…um…

Gerard. There we go.

I met Gerard in mid-January. We had a very nice first date of sushi and abundant conversation. I was pleased to learn that like myself, he too talks during movies so much it made the black people behind us look shy. I was diggin’ it. But then 3-4 (who’s counting) weeks passed and I, being my neurotic, emotionally retarded self, avoided any face to face interaction with my potential boo (thanks Urban Dictionary!).

He addressed my obvious problems, things worked out, and we went out a few more times. He made Valentine’s Day dinner, gave me the flu before I went away, and organized a bitchin’ weekend in Philadelphia after I got home. So yeah, things sound pretty great. On the surface.

If there is one thing I have learned from my perpetual romantic misery it’s that legitimate relationships suck the life out of you. If they don’t something is clearly wrong. So to work through my concerns I have decided to analyze all of the reasons my new relationship is shitter-bound.

1.  No signs of schizophrenia –It has been almost two months of involvement and I have yet to stab myself with an umbrella or dry heave “I Will Survive” out of frustration with my partner’s mental incapacities. He’s normal and I don’t know how to deal with it.  It may seem like a good thing that he doesn’t own a collection of straight jackets or have a human doll fetish, but this presumed normalcy makes me a little uncomfortable. After all, if he’s mentally stable, how will he deal with me when I reveal my inner psycho, cutting off contact for three days after having a dream that he cheated on me, or bursting into tears during America’s Next Top Model? I’m afraid. Very afraid.

2.  Girly Body Wash – Though our Philadelphia weekend was indeed bitchin’ I learned something about Gerard I’d rather not know. Since we were staying in a hotel when I got up for my morning shower, I was unfortunately unable to rifle through his personal belongings like I would had we been at his place. In desperation I did the next best thing and perused his shower accessories. Though I was happy to see that he is anything but hygienically-challenged, I was slightly horrified at one particular discovery: Apricot Orange body wash.

Everyone who knows me knows I could never seriously date a man who uses body wash. I like my men really rugged, and hairy, and dirty, and irrationally masculine. The kind that picks up my loofa and asks if it’s a tampon. You know what I’m saying? No? Ok.

I spent my shower time brainstorming various digs. Various comments that could emasculate him even more than the use of Apricot Orange body wash. But I could think of nothing so extreme so I decided to drop it. Unfortunately for Gerard, my wits only temporarily escaped me and I spent the rest of our time together berating him. Amazingly enough, he still wants to see me.

Maybe I should just let this one go.

3.  He’s baselessly supportive of me – Unlike previous fellas who told me things like “you weren’t funny until you met me,” Gerard seems to be convinced that I had a personality prior to meeting him.  I’m not sure where he gets this idea since everyone knows women aren’t capable of formulating thoughts independent of their male counterparts, but his insistence that I am “witty” and “amazing” and a “good writer,” tells me he must have ulterior motives of some kind. Perhaps he is plotting a BCBT. It’s really impossible to say. All I know is you can’t trust a guy who doesn’t try to belittle you at every opportunity. It’s just not normal.

Since I’m not in the business of predicting the future, outside of telling others that theirs is doomed, I am not going to say whether or not this relationship will last much longer than my next period. But things have been good so far and if my top three concerns are any indication of how little is actually wrong, it’s safe to say it’ll probably be awhile until I post another hopelessly bitter blog about broken hearts and Ryan Gosling. So in the meantime I can only hope that the rest of my life crumbles around me so I have something else to write about.

Until next time, stay ugly so I feel pretty.

Love,

The girl with a crush on the All State raccoon.

Like peaches n' cream.

Valentine’s Day Gestures Suggested By a True Romantic

Valentine’s Day is the festering sore of non-religious holidays. I’m not just saying this because I am single this year (correction: that is the only reason I am saying this) but rather because Valentine’s Day is the one holiday everyone sort of wishes didn’t exist, but still has to acknowledge. Kind of like herpes. That’s it. Valentine’s Day is like the herpes of non-religious holidays; you can pretend it doesn’t exist, but at the end of the day, you still have scabs on your nether region.

afternoon self-portrait

For whatever reason, women take this holiday very VERY seriously. I’m not excluding myself from this. Before I was a used-up, jaded, old hag, V-Day held a special place in my heart, now reserved for Arlo Guthrie vinyl records and that green cake icing that comes in a tube. Each year, on February 13, my sister and I would sit on my bed in our nightgowns, braiding each other’s hair and harmonizing to “When You Wish Upon a Star,” discussing the love we were bound to discover the coming day, through some romantic, male-orchestrated gesture involving skywriting and the performance of a Lifehouse song. Actually that never happened. But for those who don’t know, Lifehouse songs really f***ed me up.

Needless to say, VDay is very important to most women. It’s not so much because we actually think it’s an important holiday but more because there will always be that one guy dating that one girl we secretly hate, who very openly shares how romantic her boyfriend is

on Facebook, posting pictures of the hand-sewn teddy bear given to her for Valentine’s Day. Forget the fact that over-the-top Valentine’s Day gestures are generally compensation for sub-par bed play and yet-to-be disclosed homosexuality, on February 14th all that truly matters is how big the gesture is and how many people know about it.

So to help all the fellas and ladies (I don’t judge) who have a demanding, over-bearing woman expecting something grand for this worthless consumerist holiday, I am going to provide five romantic ideas to woo your gal.

1. Write her a poem. Here’s an example.

Rubies are red,

Sapphires Blue,

I can’t afford either,

When I’m paying for you.

Whore.

OH YEAH. Girls eat that shit up. I should know. I’m a girl, despite what you may read.

Just kidding. There are no transvestite rumors about me.

Until now

…anyway.

Use this. She’ll dig it.

2. Propose

You don’t have to mean it. No one ever does. If you really want to blow her mind, do it with a tattoo! Nothing says “I love you” like a permanently emblazoned question, personal enough to result in divorce, impersonal enough to be used next year on someone else.

this guy has the idea...

3. Get a love tattoo

Along the lines of the creepy proposal, you can’t put a price on an even creepier love tattoo, except maybe your dignity. You could go for the traditional first name tattoo if you want to be a pussy about it, but if you really want to make an impression go for the ultra-intense portrait or first name acronym tat. For example, if a man were going to get a tattoo of my name, I would suggest the following:

L – usciously

E – ndowed

N – oble

A – ssociate

Associate? That’s right. Anything else would be too big a commitment.

4. Cook her dinner

Ok, I know what you must be thinking. “Damn, bitch, now I gotta cook for this skank-ass honey?” and to that I say, “you’re white, stop talking like that.” Yes, you have to cook for her. I know this is an overwhelming prospect since she will inevitably find out that you know how to cook and therefore may expect it to happen more often. If that idea frightens you than I suggest that you cook something so inedible she will be hospitalized. Not only will that ensure you will never have to cook again, but hospitals are filled with unaccounted for flower bouquets waiting to be seized by you.

 5. Break up with her…then take it back

and you can give her this card!

For all you stingy SOBs out there, this is the cheapest, easiest option, requiring little effort, and excessive cruelty. Convince her it’s over. You’re tired of “Dancing With the Stars” and sharing a toothbrush. You don’t need a man cave you need a man grave if you’re going to stay one more day with her! (use that line, it’s golden!) Once she is a blubbering mess, cradle her in your arms and tell her you will take her back. She will be so happy to have a boyfriend again, she won’t even care that you didn’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day. If the plan backfires and she ends it with you, at least you don’t have her name tattooed on your ass.

So…yeah.

If you don’t like any of these ideas, that’s probably a sign that you’re a decent human being. Whatever.

Good night and good luck.

Happy Valentine’s Day all you happy people doomed for divorce and alimony payments.

Love,

The girl who just wants somebody to love, Jefferson Airplane style.

 

How to Handle Your Ex-Husband Having a Baby with the Girl He Got Pregnant While You Were Still Married: A Survival Guide

There comes a day in every woman’s life, when she wakes up and says to herself “today is the day my ex-husband’s new girlfriend is giving birth to the baby he impregnated her with while we were separated.” In fact studies show that women are more likely to get killed by a terrorist than NOT experience this exact situation before the age of 40. Have I blown your mind with this disturbingly specific statistic? Yeah, I thought so.

On said inevitable day, these women will become flustered by mixed feelings of jealousy, resentment, and inexplicable craving for Texas toast garlic bread, and will brutally penetrate the depths of their souls with record-breaking levels of masochism so frightening Kurt Cobain will begin to look like a totally balanced human being. They will find a way, while family members are distracted by conversations of GOP candidates and the real purpose of Craigslist’s Missed Connections, to retreat to a private place in the house, alone, with the stealth of a cat and the self- mutilation of a child actor, and seek information from the Oriole of Petty Truth (OPT) known as Facebook.

For those unfamiliar, the OPT is an effective tool that can assist people of all ages in finding socially relevant information about their friends and family, (birthdays, relationship status, sexuality confirmations of the suspiciously flamboyant, etc.). But, it also doubles as a source for the unhealthy – the sick  – the self-loathing, sad, sorry, sons-o-bitches that need Facebook profile proof of the painful suspicians they carry, to find information they really shouldn’t have access to in the first place.

Needless to say, the OPT is the only option to confirm the suspected birth of the ex’s love child. Upon confirmation, these women will experience an outbreak of tears, stress-induced gas, and an emotional collapse bound to involve shaved heads and lipstick tattoos. Think this is too specific to not be based on my own sorry existence? Ha! Fooled you again, silly readers. Why, I never have and never will discuss my personal problems and impending emotional downfall on this joyous and uplifting blog…

"I'm going to use my good-girl image to destroy your career..."

Eh, hem. Anyway.

Since I take the Taylor Swift approach to relationships (ie. throw myself into them whole-heartedly and once they are over bash my ex through some subtle, but so totally cute, self-expression) I really don’t care that blogging about this is sort of over the top in the TMI department. Also, I asked my mom if she thought it was ok and she responded with a silent fist bump. So, I had my answer.

So last night, after skillfully maneuvering my way through Facebook and finding proof of my excellent birth prediction skills, I nestled into my seldom-washed bedding, and stared at the plastic-glo star stickers pasted to the ceiling of my bedroom by the previous owner’s children and cried like a bitch. Through a fetal-positioned, tearful rendition of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” I thought about the progress of my life thus far and the unfortunate disaster of marrying someone with addiction issues and highly active sperm. I thought to myself, there must be other people who have experienced something similar to my unwanted, but totally necessary separation, followed by a brief discussion of reconciliation, that was shot down by the unexpected pregnancy of the woman the ex started dating five months into the separation. There has to be someone else out there experiencing a similar need to dry-heave an abundance of confused emotion and Texas toast all over herself in hopes of making herself feel better. It for the presumed existence of those people, that I write this post.

There is nothing worse than feeling like you’ve been screwed over by someone you loved, only to have them have a seemingly happier life than you. But since it is the unfortunate reality of my life and every ousted Rock of Love contestant, I have devised a way to deal with this type of wretched occurrence. Here is my four-step system to dealing with your sadness and avoiding the nearest bridge.

  1. Let yourself feel hurt – You can’t pretend to be emotionally bionic just because you’re tired of having puffy eyes and no dignity. You have to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling if you are going to get past it. I’ve learned that most things get a little better after a good night’s sleep and a few hours allotted for sadness. Once you wake up and the hours have passed, it’s time to get over it.
  2. Remind yourself of why this is a good thing for you – While he may be naming his new baby the same name you discussed naming the one you’d have together, you are free to pursue new life experiences and new relationships, baby-free. You are not with a person who doesn’t respect you, you are not with a person who doesn’t value you, and most importantly you are not with a person just because pulling out is an unreliable method of birth control and everyone knows it but you. You have a lot going for you, despite your emotional baggage and unfortunate amount of stretch marks.
  3. Accept that everything happens the way it is meant to – If you two hadn’t met, married, and separated, he would have never met the woman he got pregnant. Whether you believe in fate, God, or just really unfair coincidences, it is clear that things happen as they are meant to. You can’t f*** around with the universe, you can only hope it doesn’t f*** around with you.

    not him...

  4. If all else fails, have cyber-sex with a hot foreigner. It’s anonymously slutty and doesn’t require a condom.  Can you say score?

All cleverness aside, the situation for myself and all the fictional women I referred to, sucks. Whether or not you take these steps, won’t change the temporary shittyness you feel. All you can do is suck it up, let it go, and remember pregnancy causes stretch marks too.

Love,

The girl who shuns Mark Zuckerberg for his dangerous creation, despite her intense crush on Jesse Eisenburg in the film, (startling wit meets asshole tendencies? Swooooooon)

Want to Eat More? Be a Dinner Whore: A Look at the Financial Benefits of Modern Day Dating

I once had a date at a Waffle House. I know what you’re thinking. Waffle House is the perfect mixture of class and trash, with the type of dreamy atmosphere only a true romantic like Scott Peterson could appreciate.  Nevertheless, I was living in Tennessee where I knew few people and was somewhat desperate for any peer-to-peer interaction, outside of the confines of my apartment complex’s laundry room. I had been up all night, solitarily working through a bottle of wine and watching “Superbad” on FX for the second time in a row. So when “he”, we’ll call him Bernard , contacted me to see if I wanted to go out, my slightly inebriated self, agreed. We texted for awhile and determined that there are not many reputable establishments still open at 4am. So he suggested Waffle House.

We met around 4:30, where I had a single order of hash browns, and he a sausage concoction with a yellow substance, hardly recognizable as eggs. We laughed, we talked, he told me I was sassy, I told him he talked funny. Great times. But when the bill came, things got…awkward.

Discount-Dining with Bernard                                                                                                                                                                          A Dramatic Scene

Stunningly, beautiful twenty-something woman, LENA sits at a booth, with below-average twenty-something man, BERNARD. They are laughing and flirting, enjoying their spontaneous date. STEREOTYPICAL SOUTHERN WAITRESS approaches.

STEREOTYPICAL SOUTHERN WAITRESS:  Ya’ll best be payin’ this here bill. Ya’ll holler at me when ya’ll got ya’ll money ready, ya’ll.

In all of his Southern manliness, BERNARD grasps the bill. LENA begins to dramatically shuffle through her purse, making evident her lack of gold digger intentions, while pretending to search for her wallet.

LENA: How much is it?

BERNARD: $4.17.

LENA: Now that’s a cheap meal!

BERNARD, LENA, and CHORUS: Hahahahahahahahaha

BERNARD: Yeah, you gotta love Waffle House.

LENA: Absolutely.

Taking notice of BERNARD’s concentrated stare, LENA stops her phony search.

LENA: What?

BERNARD:  You got this right?

LENA: The bill?

BERNARD: Yeah.

LENA: Are you serious?

BERNARD: I don’t have any money on me.

BERNARD shrugs, as if on cue for a sitcom laugh track. But no laugh track comes, and the CHORUS is unresponsive.

LENA: What do you mean you don’t have any money?

BERNARD: I left my wallet in the car.

LENA: So you didn’t have to pay?

BERNARD: No…

LENA visibly ponders her next move, scratching her chin, and squinting her eyes.

LENA: You said it’s in the car?

BERNARD: Yeah, but…

LENA: I’ll wait.

LENA crosses her arms and leans back in the booth. BERNARD stares at her, forehead wrinkled in shock. Awkward silence prevails, and LENA, in her lack of shame, allows it to continue in the direction of discomfort.

BERNARD: You have money right here. You really want me to go get it?

LENA: Yes.

After another minute of increasingly uncomfortable eye contact, BERNARD sighs, angrily, and exits the restaurant. A minute later he returns and pays the bill. As BERNARD and LENA part ways he said he would call, she laughs, and they never speak again.

End Scene

Now, to clarify. I am not the type of girl, who thinks a man always has to pay, though I do appreciate the tradition. I am however, the type of girl, who thinks a man who intentionally goes out of his way to avoid paying, is the type of man who should. I have never gone on a date without my wallet, with the assumption that the man will pay. But let’s face it, he always does. In fact, unless I insist on splitting it, I don’t think I have ever gone on a date where the guy didn’t insist on paying. My brother, a man, once told me to “take advantage of being a girl and enjoy free meals.” This is what I, and many girls, generally do.

However, today while sitting at a local bistro drinking a self-purchased coffee, I scoured a Yahoo Article about a woman who used match.com to secure enough dates, to pay for her meals for a month. My initial reaction was something like “damnnnn gurl, straight up trippin!” But after fifteen seconds of consideration, I was more like “dammn &*%$@#, straight up &*%$@#!!!!”

According to the article, the “woman” is receiving both praise and criticism for her sleazy, backhanded approach to personal finance. While as a woman, I can see the appeal of doing this, as a feminist who also happens to love men to a fault, I find it obnoxious and totally arrogant for the following reasons:

  1. Tradition is not an opportunity for freeloading. When a man pays for dinner, he is gambling on getting something in return, whether it be sex or just a second date. While you don’t necessarily owe him this just because he paid for dinner, it is understood that he isn’t paying so you can maintain your generic, twenty-something female lifestyle of weekly spray tanning and daily $8 Starbucks purchases.
  2. Tradition is not an opportunity to pay off debt. According to the article, this woman was a twenty-three year old New York City resident, with credit card debt and high rent. She developed this plan so she did not have to pay for meals and could pay off her debt sooner. While I appreciate her reasoning, I don’t appreciate the fact that she is leeching off of other people to do it. Though I have no qualms with actual prostitution (work it girl), I find this approach unapologetically scum-sucking.  They are your bills. If you can’t pay your bills, get a second job. Don’t just give them in Olive Garden parking lots.
  3. Don’t use dating as a guise for your dinner whoredom. Call it what it is. If you are looking for a “sugar daddy” just say that. Don’t pretend you are dating. Don’t drag other people into it, with their baggage, financial troubles, and evident desperation for actually wanting to date you.

When it comes to dating, there aren’t many advantages of being a woman. Women are expected to look good all the time, with razor burn and waxed eyebrows, while pretending the biological clocks in our heads are not bombastically ticking in our ears anytime we have a decent conversation with a single man. It’s exhausting. Why must certain women deteriorate the only perk we still have? Nobody, without a serious fetish, enjoys being used. When women use men for money or free meals, it is no better than men using women for sex. You can’t praise one and criticize the other. The more men think they are being used for money, the less they are going to spend on us. This is a growing epidemic.

So ladies, before you start filling out excel spreadsheets of the poor suckers you plan to stealthily rip off, I ask you to consider this. What if it was your brother, friend, or funny uncle attempting to woo a woman who was only in it for the free breadsticks?  Think about that.

Love,

The girl who wants more than free breadstricks

Unlikely Markets for Potential Lovers Part I.

I am attracted to exceedingly unbalanced people. Of the shamefully large amount of men I have made acquaintance with in the past year, 76% of them have had a sordid history with drugs/alcohol, clinical depression, or an unsettling fetish, 20% have had either small hands, poor vocabulary, or unpleasant speaking voices, and 4% have caused me to act like a psychopath, with their uncanny ability to make me laugh but greater tendency to make me cry. I know. Would I like some cheap sex with that wine? I need a bitch slap straight to the ovaries.

Needless to say, I have questionable taste. It’s not like I intentionally date felons or short-fingered girly men. I just allow my self-involved nature and excuse of looking for a rebound to justify the fact that I am open-minded enough to go out with all types of people, but ultimately too close-minded to take 96% of them seriously. I also can’t spell the word tomorrow without spell check and I still wear a retainer a few nights a week. My roast starts at 9:00. Thanks.

All of this being said, I have discovered that it is incredibly unlikely that there is any man born after 1980 that possesses the six characteristics of my future ex husband. So, I can either:

  1. Become a spinster with a fish bowl full of piranhas and a strong attraction to long underwear.

OR

  1. Open my heart to people who do not meet these requirements but still allow me some sort of happiness.

I am opting for option B, not because the dull ache of my perpetual loneliness keeps me up at night, but because I don’t really think an unmarried woman can truly be considered a spinster until the age of 27. As you can see, I got this.

With this decision in place, I have taken it upon myself to brainstorm some categories of individuals from which I will find my prospective soul mate. These are what I have come up with so far:

1. Married Late Night Television Hosts

A shocking 3% of the pie chart of my heart is dedicated to Craig Ferguson, the late night beast with whom I have been in mild love since 1999. His middle-aged perviness and haphazard comedy make me swoon like a Scottish school girl. Plus, he is attracted to fat girls with stretch marks, as discussed in one of his comedy specials I forget the name of due to fainting. Can you say score?

I’d also like to bed David Letterman. That’s all I have to say about that.

2. Recently injured college athletes

The first week of my freshman year of college was a blur. Finding classes, meeting professors, learning how to flush tampons without clogging the dorm toilets. I was bright-eyed and idealistic, with rosy cheeks and fresh implants, ready to conquer the world with my socially awkward approach to making friends that included walking in on girls in the shower and the “Random Facebook Add.”

The “Random Facebook Add” or the “RFA” otherwise known as the “Reluctant Forced Acquaintanceship” is a tool used by college freshmen in an effort to build the ever important network of co-ed “friends.” While others in my dorm used this to connect with their roommates and future frenemies, I had other plans. I was going to “RFA” every member of the college baseball team.

Dignity dismissed, I was out of control! It didn’t matter what the guy looked like or if he even knew my name. I went all night. One after another, back to back, I didn’t care. My roommate tried to stop me, convince me to have a little self control. I couldn’t. The slutty can of worms was open, and I RFAed like it was paying my bills.

Morning after I woke with a shame deeper than what my father feels after reading each blog entry (love you, dad!). But quickly I realized that not only did all of them accept my RFA, but one even poked me! My cheeks are still flushed from the incident.

For a few days I felt hopeful that all of my meaningless RFAs would pay off and I would soon settle with a borderline attractive sub par baseball player of average height and substantial wealth. This, needless to say, did not happen. Why? Because college athletes want to date trampy girls with back tattoos of butterflies, not 18 year old virgins who plan to stay that way until the right guy comes along and offers them free Maroon 5 tickets. So for a long time I gave up the dream.

It was only while brainstorming this deeply profound and life affirming blog entry that I realized I went about this all wrong! Why was I going for actual college athletes, with self confidence and other better looking sexual prospects to choose from, when there were plenty of discarded, recently injured, reject athletes no one wanted? No friends – no girls – no scholarships – no problem!

3. Disney-animated canines

They say you never forget your first love. I know this to be true. Year after year since I was a wee lass with curly blond pigtails and the mouth of a sailor, I have pined over my first love. A love so great, pure, and filled with my passionate lust for communism that I would be willing to commit to an interspecies affair if it meant all of my romantic intentions could finally be fulfilled. I am referring, of course, to Disney’s very foxy Robin Hood.To this day, he is the hottest thing I have ever seen.

As a runner up for my affections, I must admit I’d also chop off my right arm to be with the Tramp of Lady and. Not only is a he a dirty bad boy that in one of the most underrated film shower scenes of all time, teases his female audience with a quickie train station wash, but he is a straight up P.I.M.P. There’s an entire song dedicated to his bad ass womanizing ways.

4. Women I’ll go after if I am ever bi-curious

If all else fails, I think I will be left with no other option than to embrace my inner lesbian and say “hi” to my “bi.” Now settle down you liberal, commy, sons o’ bitches. I ain’t sayin’ it’s a choice. I do however think that everyone has a little bit of homoeroticism buried deep in their tightie-whitie closet. I don’t know a single woman who does not enjoy staring at, grabbing, or talking about another woman’s boobs or bum. Perhaps it is due to a competitive spirit OR (gasp) it is because of some slight nerve tingling attraction no one wants to acknowledge for fear of sounding like Lady Gaga.

That being said, it’s pretty easy for me to provide a list of ladies I’d lez it up for.

Obviously, I have higher standards for women than I do for men.

So…yeah.

I am mentally exhausted.

If I can’t settle down with one of these completely unrealistic options than I am buying stock in Cold Water Creek and heading to the aquarium.

Open to suggestions, comments, and general criticisms of my character.

Love,

The girl who frequently confuses the letter “f” with the number 5