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Wasting My Vote Like I’m Getting Paid For It – Third Party Candidates in Two Party America

So after months of bewilderment at the amount of seemingly unprovoked political postings on Facebook, my only source of human interaction, I have finally discovered the root cause of all the unwanted opinionated goobledygook that I for one, have in no way…

whatsoever

…at all

…even remotely participated in.

So evidently the United States Presidential election is taking place in 11 days.* I know, right? I’m totally buggin.’

Now I’d venture a guess that there are plenty of numb-minded Americans feeling overwhelmed by the vast amount of choices they have for this election:

(L) – Barack Obama (R) – Mitt Romney
*whoops!* I mean — oh, forget it

 Pretttty sizable, I’d say.

But considering the fact that the outdated Gallop poll survey I am using to make my point says 37% of Americanscan’t find America on a map** (“Map? It’s on your lapel, silly!”)…

Real Americans wear lapel pins

I think it’s safe to say, most Americans probably don’t know there are even MORE choices for the Presidential election this year.

So for those of you with enough free time to read my blog, but not enough to stay informed on American politics, continue reading for a quick and easy breakdown of the unpopular, but determined third party candidates running for President, despite continued efforts from the media to pretend they don’t exist, like the missed period of an unmarried Catholic teen. And for those of you who think I’m too pretentious to handle, please blow up my comments with derogatory feedback.  

 Gary Johnson – Libertarian Party

 Arguably the most popular third party candidate this election season, Gary Johnson has successfully tapped into the impenetrable Ron Paul fan base. As the former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson is a fiscally conservative, socially liberal candidate. He is an advocate for civil liberties, marriage equality, drug decriminialization, and slashing the federal deficit in the first year through cutting government programs. He would repeal the Patriot Act, the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), among other unconstitutional acts.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.garyjohnson2012.com

Jill Stein – Green Party

Green Party candidates have a long history of upsetting Presidential elections and if my vote means anything, this year’s candidate will too. Jill Stein is long-time physician, educator, and activist. She has developed “The Green New Deal” which focuses on economic reform through green technology, is vehemently opposed to the War on Drugs, would like to add an ammendment to the constitution stating that coorporations are NOT people, repeal the Patriot Act and NDAA, and stop all use of military drones. Basically, she’s a BAMF.

visit her website for more specifics:  www.jillstein.org

Rocky Anderson – Justice Party

WTF is the Justice Party? I know. That’s what I thought too. The Justice Party is a liberal political party formed to get former Democratic Mayor of Salt Lake City, Rocky Anderson on the 2012 Presidential ballad. Rocky is a strong supporter of LGBT rights, climate protection, immigration reform, civil liberties, and the decriminalization of drugs. He was also the only mayor of a major city to pursue the impeachment of George W. Bush. Whoa.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.voterocky.org

Virgil Goode – The Consitution Party

Probably the closest third party candidate to a traditional Republican (ie. not Mitt Romney), Virgil Goode is the only candidate who has proposed to put a moratorium on Green cards for immigrants, which he advocates quite proudly. He is in favor of an immediate governmental budget balance, is consistently pro-life, wants to eliminate foreign aid, and audit the Federal Reserve. His accent’s pretty cool, too.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.goodeforpresident2012.com

It’s hard to believe that four experienced, politically active candidates continue to get so little attention from mainstream media, but Ashton Kutcher is also the highest paid actor on TV, so apparently injustice comes in many forms.

Chuck Lorre has written this exact scene on at least 36 occassions, whilst swapping out the “actors” for younger, less impressive models. Way to be innovative Chuckles!

All four candidates recently participated in the Free and Equal Elections Foundation debate, hosted by Larry King.

Watching it quickly helped me confirm who Iwould be voting for, despite the fact that I voted for Barrack Obama four years ago, and would rather die than refer to Mittens as President Romney. Because if there is anything I have learned since voting in my first Presidential election it’s this:

Voting for someone makes me at least partially responsible for whatever they do, good or bad, during their Presidency.

While this is about as obvious as a stage whisper, it seems like most people forget this during the sensationalized politics of a Presidential election. But the fact of the matter is, the last guy I voted for not only re-signed the Patriot Act and maintained Guantanamo Bay, but he also utilizes drone warfare, killing far too many innocent civilians in the Middle East, signed into action the National Defense Authorization Act which allows the government to indefinitely detain U.S. citizens without charge or trial, and apparently has Nicki Minaj on his iPod. Ya’ll know I can’t deal with that shit.

And unfortunately Romney too, supports all of the above. Except maybe the Nicki Minaj thing. He seems like more of a Celine Dion guy to me.  

So just between you and me, I don’t really care who wins. If Obama wins we’ll continue to have a “hip” President who likes gay people and playing basketball, when he’s not violating our civil liberties. If Romney wins, the Oval office will have that nice, slimy, used car salesman feel to it again, perhaps helping people to wake up to the realization that both Democrats and Republicans sold out to corporate interests a long time ago, and the only real definiable difference is the size of their lapel pins.

Think about it.  When the dust settles on the election, and we have either a President Obama or a President Romney actively recanting every promise they made, as history indicates they most definitely will, do you want to know that you contributed to allowing them to do that?

Though it should go without saying, voting for the lesser of two evils is like choosing to drown a baby instead of setting it on fire.  My question is, why not choose not to kill the baby at all? 

We are Americans. Most of us already have no integrity by default. All I ask, is that this election season, we vote with a little intergrity.

WE VOTE NOT TO KILL THE BABY!!!!

Love,

The girl who throws her votes away like crushed dreams and used underwear

*This is a lie. I knew there was an election.

**To be fair, I’m pretty sure this survey included babies, the blind, and people from Arkansas.

See Ya Later, Ambien: How Obama and the Indefinite Detention of U.S. Citizens Will Help Me Sleep at Night

The War on Terror has encapsulated my life. Though it did not officially begin until 2001, I have feared the turban with unprecedented bedwetting since I was four years old and saw Aladdin for the first time. Following the 1993 World Trade Center bombings, I was diagnosed with Insomniac Depression Instigated by the Overreaction to Terrorism (IDIOT) Disorder. Crippled by fears of curry, the body hair of Middle-Eastern men, and the presence of radical Islam, I have spent nearly twenty years of my life lying awake at night, trembling in horror from the constant threat to my freedom as an American. Up until December 31, 2011, I could only begin to relieve my terror each night by listening to Rush Limbaugh and humming “God Bless the USA” to myself until I fell asleep.

But on January 1, 2012 I awoke to a blessing disguised as a “friend’s” Facebook post of an article from the head news organization of the liberal media elite, known as the “New York Times.” It revealed to my baggy eyes, a new law put in place by President Obama called the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA). Now, to be fair, my initial reaction was not that of increased patriotic sentiment. In fact, I felt no prouder to be an American than when I went to bed the night before, as I assumed this was some sort of law Communist Obama was using to further strip America of its greatness as a nation. But when I read the article and learned what the law entails, a feeling of warm, safe, ignorant bliss, flowed through my well-fed American body.  

The NDAA is a law stating that under the President’s authority, any suspect of terrorism, including U.S. citizens arrested in the United States, could be indefinitely detained, without charge or trial, and possibly under control of the U.S. Armed Forces.

Physically aroused by the thought of combatting terror on American soil, I stepped away from my computer and resigned to a cold shower. Trying to free my mind and body from the frenzy of pleasure this latest act of government control incited in me, proved to be more difficult than expected. I found my mind swirling in a haze of jingoistic pride. Who knew a reformed terrorist like Barrack Obama could enforce such a patriotic response to the threat of domestic-based terrorism? Not me, that’s for sure. Just knowing, that fellow Americans like me, innocent and never to be charged or proven guilty of anything in particular, could be denied their constitutional right to trial by jury, already makes me feel safer.

But it seems, I am one of few to see the beauty in this law. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), an evidently popular terrorist organization, has released statements, treasonously speaking out against this law and President Obama.

“President Obama’s action … is a blight on his legacy because he will forever be known as the president who signed indefinite detention without charge or trial into law,” ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero said.

 

Um, as if?

f***ing clueless

orange is the new pink! *giggle*

The ACLU, the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR), the Human Rights Watch and other anti-freedom organizations, keep referring to this law as “unconstitutional” and “authoritarian.” But like, since when has protecting our freedom been unconstitutional? The whole point of the government is to make sure no uppity Muslims can take away our constitutional rights to being Christian and owning guns. But unfortunately, some ungrateful Americans, feel the need to participate in terrorist activities like joining Jihadist Facebook groups and TiVoing “American Muslim.” Frankly, I think there is absolutely no reason, that whole “innocent until proven guilty, trial by jury” thing, should apply to these phony, undeserving Americans. In fact, I’m PRETTY sure, our Founding Fathers would agree that, when it comes to fighting for our freedom, the constitution is sort of a null and void set of guidelines, at best, and if they were important, we wouldn’t have reelected Bush after he approved the Patriot Act. More like, ACL-U don’t know what you’re talking about! Might as well rename yourself the Al’Qaeda Coalition of Liberty Under-miners!

When our freedom to be fat and unemployed is at stake, the government has every right to trample the rights of the people. And any so-called American who wants to challenge the authority of our government, which only has our BEST intentions in mind, should be detained. After all, if you aren’t making a bomb in your attic, browsing Iraqi porn on the Internet, or doing anything else the NDAA fails to mention as actual reasons for the indefinite detainment of Americans…hmm…, anyway, if you aren’t doing anything the government, vaguely describes as possible “suspected terrorism,” you have nothing to worry about. Yeah, I mean, I’m not sure exactly what they consider suspected terrorism, but I’m sure it’s pretty bad, and as I always say,” if Toby Keith wouldn’t, I shouldn’t.”

But what I’m mostly concerned about is this radical, anti-troops notion that the military involvement in this law is a bad thing.  Look, people, the military is here to protect us.  If Obama says someone is a threat, then they MUST be a threat, and therefore deserve whatever they have coming to them. Frankly, I’m shocked that anyone could even insinuate that the Armed Forces would abuse their power. It’s not like that’s ever happened before…

 

Abu Ghraib Prison Abuse

Ok, ok, but that’s no worse than a typical Red State method of punishment, much akin to a childhood spanking….

ANYWAY I just thought I should write something to express my gratitude to the Obama Administration.  I for one, have never felt so safe and so proud to be an American citizen, temporarily free to roam our gold-paved streets. So I want to thank you, President Obama. Thank you for using your elected-position to infringe on the rights of the people who elected you. I know you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t truly believe it was the right thing. I’m proud of you and anyone who disagrees can go choke on some freedom fries.

Love,

The girl who really, seriously, PRAYS, from the bottom of her heart, that ya’ll can appreciate some sarcasm.

 

Click for the terrifying truth about the NDAA

Those who crumple toilet paper and those who fold it

During a recent conversation with anonymous family members, I was discussing a human being we all know well. The kind of human being we all dislike with varying levels of intensity, and who can only be described as one thing:

The sort of person who folds his toilet paper.

Yes. This is a category, an adjective, a stereotypical description with which I judge people. But let’s look at this more deeply and examine why, oh heaven’s why would someone do this.

When I was a wee child, filled with child-like urine and child-like feces I did not know how to take a child-like dump in the appropriate way. An older woman who briefly served as a babysitter took the time to  explain how and why it is important to fold toilet paper as oppose to crumpling it.

“Do you see these wittle lines?” she asked me in a goo-goo ga-ga voice that made me want to choke on a kidney stone even at the wittle wage of 3. “You fold the toilet paper on these wittle lines.”

Seated on her pink pastel toilet seat in a cramped bathroom that smelled like peanut butter, swinging my legs and staring at her, I couldn’t help but wonder why I would take the time to fold toilet paper when I could just crumple it in my hand and go to town. But I was young. I was impressionable. I had yet to be scorned by love or overly taxed by the government. I wanted and chose to believe that this was the proper and only way to clean one’s behind after a substantial trip to the loo.

After this babysitter was fired, no doubt for indoctrinating me with such inconsequential life lessons, I slowly broke free of this tendency. I can only assume that since I am a marginally normal human being I am not the only person who crumples instead of folds. Still, having the knowledge that there is such a population that does this, I feel equipped to make judgments as to what this habit means.

So when discussing this human being that myself and my anonymous family members all dislike with varying levels of intensity, I had an epiphany. I knew what was wrong with him. It was all clear. He is, after all, the sort of person that folds his toilet paper.

What does this mean? Well scooch back into the center of your seat and I will tell you. The sort of person who folds his/her toilet paper is the sort of person who cross categorizes their allergy medications by season, color, and alphabetical order. They take 42 minutes to vacuum a 9 square foot room. They fancy themselves experts on your career, emotions, and underwear size. They will never be wrong, but never say they are right. They will dust the surface blades of a ceiling fan.

More flattering, they will always know where the keys are and will never forget to check the mail though they will certainly criticize you for receiving junk mail from Kuntz Insurance Group (a real business I plan to become a patron of).

On the flipside, crumplers are not the beautiful specimens of perfection you may imagine. Though we donate more frequently to charitable causes, juggle phallic shaped vegetables with ease, and can correctly identify all of the members of ABBA, crumplers have difficulty paying bills on time and cannot read a newspaper article without asking for the definition of at least one multisyllabic word.

Still I would rather be stupid and a talented juggler than someone who quotes Proust for fun. Is it fair to make such generalizations? One word. Yes. For all of my flaws – my haphazard flossing techniques, Parkinson’s style penmanship, and misguided understanding of months of the year underwear – I would never take myself so seriously as to actually practice such arbitrary habits.

Think of the precious seconds lost, LOST by participating in this madness. In the amount of time it takes to fold toilet paper one could tear open a packet of Splenda for an amputee. End a relationship via text. Steal a library book. Talk about a lack or productivity among this population of humanity!

For this reason I am proud to stand here today (or sit seated in a coffee shop and type) that I am the sort of person that crumples, yes CRUMPLES her toilet paper. Am I glorifying this technique? Of course. But do I wish to alienate the folders of the world? Pshhhh…..maybe I shouldn’t answer that.

Either way, there are certainly several very prominent figures in our society who I would bet the four pennies in my pocket on being folders instead of crumplers. Some of these misguided individuals include:

Ben Stein

Bill Pullman

Meg Ryan

Carmelo Anthony

Nikki Hilton

and

Bo Obama

So I turn this back onto you fair reader(s). Am I the misguided one? Am I an unsanitary dreg of society? Do I deserve to be stripped of my right to vote and wear white after Labor Day?

Tell me your thoughts and I will be forever yours.

Love,

The overly judgmental girl you want to smack in the face with a brick