Blog Archives

Meet Me In D.C.!

forward-on-climate-poster_1When I was 8 years old I went to Washington D.C. for the first time. My only memories of the trip were $3 bottles of water, huge Lincoln knees, and first-time thigh chafing. Obviously, it made quite the impact.

Despite my love/hate relationship with politics I have never returned to D.C. as an adult. This weekend I have a great reason.

Sunday, February 17, 2013 will be the largest climate rally in history. Thousands of protesters around the country are joining together in downtown Washington to protest the Keystone XL Pipeline currently awaiting final legislation from President Obama. The Keystone XL Pipeline is a project designed by Trans-Canada to transfer crude oil throughout Canada and the United States all the way down to the Southern border. This damages the global environment not only by the increased use of oil, but it will threaten the very need and development of renewable clean energy that could help reduce green house gasses and global warming. But on a local level it is equally frightening, with water sources poisoned during pipe leaks, causing disease and death in thousands of individuals affected by the seizing of land by government and private corporations to force this project through.

But rather than preach to you about the pros and cons of the pipeline, I invite you to read up on it, learn about it, and decide for yourself what to believe. Should you determine for yourself that corporate interests are not worth continued destruction of the environment join me at the rally! I will be there with my able-bearded bodied man along with thousands of other people. If you are so inclined, send me an email woodstock788@gmail.com

Love,

The girl who hopes to see you there

Links to check out!

http://350.org/en/about/blogs/join-forwardonclimate-solidarity-rally-217

http://www.foe.org/projects/climate-and-energy/tar-sands/keystone-xl-pipeline

http://www.sierraclub.org/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Keystone_XL_pipeline

70 year old man, marries 15 year old girl…Western World Indifferent?

The human race either needs to evolve or die off entirely.

I know. Good morning to you, too.

I guess I should forwarn regular readers of my blog, that this entry is going to be about as funny as Carrot Top, so don’t expect to laugh . It is topical and current and will leave you feeling there is no hope left in the world. Or simply indifferent, as the title would suggest.

Now, typically when I write topical blog posts, I do so the moment I begin to feel a tremor of interest in a topic, before I decide how I truly feel about it, and before I know if I have any facts straight. You know. Like cable news. So this time I decided to give myself 24 hours to ferment in anger and all around disgust before sharing my thoughts. But when I woke up this morning I was angry, which isn’t a good look for me and decided for the sake of my appearance, I would withold my feelings no more.

Which brings me back to my initial statement. The human race either needs to evolve or die off entirely. I’m not bitter, just realistic, and there are plenty of examples of why what I say is true; school shootings, American politics, the popularity of Honey Boo Boo, etc.  But in this case, I am referring to the dangerous combination of headline news and Internet anonymity.

Yesterday the Internet was all a-twitter with a news story regarding a 70 year old man in Saudi Arabia, marrying a 15 year old girl who he purchased from her family for a US monetary equivalent of $20,000. The story become international news when the man contacted authorities about being “ripped off” when the girl ran away. I thought it was a given that this is a completely disgusting, tragic event, not only because of age difference but the very fact that human trafficking and slavery exists so openly in undeveloped parts of the world, never mind existing quietly in Western culture. However it wasn’t the headline that shocked me, but the reader comments.

Although a healthy majority of reader comments were aimed at the sadness of this situation, there was also a disturbingly large amount of people making jokes, calling it a scam on the old man, defending the practice as “heritage” or “culture,” and generally spouting indifference. Here are a few examples:

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Again, these are only selected comments I have copied from a few different articles. I am not arguing that this is in any way a reflection of the majority of people in Western society. However the stark lack of empathy demonstrated in these comments says a lot about who and what we breed in our “first world.”

Many people argue that this issue is an example of “heritage” “culture” and “religion,” and that is partially true. It is a tradition of humanity to enslave miniorities, and particularly women, as seen in most cultures at some point in history. However if the excuse we are making for this man, the girls’ parents, and millions of others who have participated in human trafficking, is that it is part of their culture, what excuse do we have for the people above who have had the presumed benefit of Western education and upbringing?

The truth is, there is not much we can do as individuals to actually provoke change in other cultures. But we can control how we react to it and the example we choose to set in our own. Several of the people above as well as people I did not quote proudly profess their indifference.

“I don’t even know that girl so I feel sorry for no one” 

“Get over it, that’s the way it is in that country. Not our business”

Am I unevolved if my first reaction is to beat these bitches down? Yes, probably. But I truly can’t understand the argument that it is not our business to care.

CARE.

It is not our business to have any sort of empathy or interest or sickened gut-wrenching feelings about something like child rape and human trafficking. How disconnected from humanity must people get to not only not care, but to tell others that it is not their business to care either? And where does this indifference end, if it does at all? Catholic church, Boy Scouts, Penn State Summer Camps? Down the street? When does it become our business to care?

I look at the people who make these comments, primarily Americans, and I think to myself, how lucky you are to live in a society so far removed from the horrors of third world human conditions, that you have the liberty to joke about them and mock their importance. Your essence, or soul, or whatever you refer to it as, could have just as easily been born into a body in Saudi Arabia as it was here.  How arrogant to act as though it is wrong to care about what happens to the people who are born somewhere else, victims to a world that is either oppressing them or indifferent to their oppression.

Human enslavement is a human rights issue, not a cultural practice. Whether you believe Western culture should intervene in these practices is one thing, but trivializing the pain and suffering of oppressed people is a slipperly slope to becoming one of the oppressors.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

EVOLVE.

And for the love of God, make it your business to care.

Love,

The girl with the monogramed soapbox

This Thanksgiving I am Fat and Grateful (these things are not related)

Obligatory image reminder that this post will at some point mention Thanksgiving. Also I drew this today at work. Be jealous.

They say that you know you’re gaining weight when black guys start hitting on you.

I’m not sure if anyone says this.

But I know I am gaining weight because aside from black guys hitting on me and the self-abusive conversation I have with myself each morning about the progression of my third trimester (I’m not pregnant), I recently got a speeding ticket. I know that is not a measurable factor here, but I have never been ticketed in the past. This is typically what happens when I get pulled over:

I lean out the window and ask, frantic and alarmed:

“IS EVERYTHING OKAY?!?!?!”

As if I am being pulled over to counsel him on marital troubles or American Idol voting techniques. He replies something about a child chasing a ball, and no crossing guard around, and federal imprisonment. I sigh, relieved, and hand him my license, unable to find my insurance or car registration.

After about 12 minutes of probing questions, among other things 😉 I am asked to avoid schools zones and any properties containing live, white children, and detour through the ghetto anytime I want to drive recklessly.

Pretty solid.

But unfortunately that only works when your body is not protruding past the restraint of your seat belt and your eyes aren’t being forced back into their sockets by pounds of cheek and eyebrow fat. Therefore I maintain that the only explanation for my receiving a ticket is the blubber effect. Definitely not the driving 53 in a 25. No. That can’t be it.

I’m blaming my weight gain on a number of factors, most of which I will not have the time or patience to tell you about. Here are three I can stomach. Hehehe. I’m so clever.

1. My ever increasing American guilt. Perhaps it is my preference to radical liberal politics over false patriotic conservative politics that results in the inordinate amount of time I spend each day mourning Middle Eastern people I will never meet. Not just because they’re dead. But mostly because they’re dead. This leaves me depressed and anxious and forced to resort to binging on food no Middle Eastern person would ever eat. Not just because they’re dead. But, really, mostly because they’re dead.

2. Sushi. When eaten by Japanese people or bulimic teenagers, sushi can be very healthy. But when eaten by an American woman at a Chinese buffet 10 minutes away from her house, once a weekend, sometimes twice, depending on how much she hates herself that day, it is not good. It is embarrassing. Not quite a “legitimate rape” comment, but definitely a “binders full of women.”

Too excellent to not be shared

3. Co-workers birthdays and other work-related food-oriented events. Every day in my office someone is either turning 50, hitting menopause, or inviting a politician to tour the school, all of which are equally disgraceful and handled with mass quantities of food. Even when I am trying to eat healthy I am bombarded with oatmeal cookies, or cheddar cheese slices, or Halloween candy hoarded away in my desk drawer. There is no escape!

I realize this doesn’t sound like a Thanksgiving Day post yet, but allow me to explain. My obsession with my weight sounds a little insecure. But I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m grateful that I am insecure and in a constant state of emotional anguish. Why? It keeps me from being a dick.

If you know anything about me, you know that the leading cause in my life is asshole prevention. If I lost weight and became confident and hot, I’d become even more self-involved and arrogant than I already am, and before you know it I’d be someone really evil like Kourtney Kardashian.

So to sum this whole thing up, this Thanksgiving I am grateful for many things.I am grateful for insecurities that keep me grounded. I am grateful for police officers that don’t tase me. I am grateful for the black guys who hit on me. I am grateful for my sister who is a registered dietician who will help me lose weight again. I am grateful for my boyfriend who I never talk about but exists quite fully in my life. I am grateful for the new wiper blades on my car.  But lastly I am  grateful for this, taken from the Facebook page of a person I actually know:

Doesn’t get much better than that.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I hope you are all grateful for something (me).

Love,

The girl who last year was thankful for assholes, but this year is thankful for mouths. Ew.

International Pimp My Blog Day

I have no friends. I have no IRAs. I have no access to medical marijuana.

I have nothing.

Nothing but this blog. It may not help me pick out clothes, give me hope for a stable retirement, or force me to hallucinate about totem poles carved out of watermelon, but it is there. It is there when I need it and more often when I don’t. The problem is, no one reads it.

Ok, fine. That’s a lie.

A lot of people read it. At least there are more people who read it than there are people I know. Which isn’t saying much when you consider I know 4 people. But nevertheless, it is not enough.

In my old age, I’ve become grubby and selfish and even needier than usual. I WANT MORE READERS! And why not? This blog is a comprehensive publication! One day I might blog about governmental affairs of the Obama administration, the next about the impressive size of my bladder. Say, whaaaaat? It ain’t no big thang.

That is why I am asking you, committed readers, to please pimp my blog. Pimp her all night long until she is sore and miserable and in need of topical ointments. She wants to be read.

Email a post, tweet a quote, tattoo my name on your face. These are all great ideas that will not only validate me emotionally but also bring further readership to my blog. Which is an international issue I am sure you are all incredibly committed to.

For those of you who are new to this, allow me to remind you of the true depth of investigative blogging I do here at thegirlwiththeblog.com

Like for instance, sometimes I talk about beards:

Reason #49 Why I Will Always Be Alone: No Man In His 20s Can Satisfy My Facial Hair Needs

Bearding Out All over the Place: A One Woman Effort For Beard Conservation

Other times I write about politics:

See Ya Later, Ambien: How Obama and the Indefinite Detention of U.S. Citizens Will Help Me Sleep At Night

The Great Plights of Humanity: Four Issues Untouched During the Latest Republican Debate

And occasionally pop culture

Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy Comments Make Me Want to Die: A Discussion of Phony Female Empowerment

Pregnancy and Media Whores: A Lesson in Abstinence Training

Plus 59 other blog entries for your and no one else’s enjoyment! So please, PIMP MY BLOG, bitches!

Then listen to this song. It’s great.

Love,

The girl who knows there’s no success like failure and that failure is no success at all.

North Carolina Blues: The Story of the South Once Again Proving How Irrelevant They Are

Poor North Carolina.

After all of Asheville’s efforts to make the state seem cool and relevant to the rest of the U.S. beyond a convenient place to stop and take a dump on the way to Myrtle Beach, they have consummated their irrelevancy by proving just how uncool they really are.

Today voters in North Carolina passed an amendment to their state legislation to ban gay marriage. Now to be fair, North Carolina has always had a very traditional take on marriage. According to www.usmarriagelaws.com, North Carolina holds marriage values in high esteem, as proven with these laws:

In NC these girls can get married!!!
…just not to each other

  • Applicants 16 and 17 must present a consent form signed by the parent, individual, agency or institution having legal custody or serving as the legal guardian of the underage party.
  • Applicants 14 and 15 must provide a certified copy of the court order authorizing the marriage. A certified copy of the birth certificate is also required.

 *****A marriage license may not be issued to applicants under 14 years of age.

 

YOU SEE, gays? There’s no reason to be upset. 7th graders can’t get married either!!!

Well…at least not until 8th grade…

Wait, what?

Waiting Period:

No waiting period.

 

In North Carolina, marriage vows and long term “eternal” commitments can be made with relatively no forethought. As long as they are at least 14 year old penises and 14 year old vaginas, they can get married whenever they want, simply because they are penises and vaginas!

The high school marriage on One Tree Hill is suddenly making so much sense…

 

      Cousin Marriage:

Isn’t it just great?

       Yes. First cousins MAY marry, but DOUBLE first cousins may not. Double first cousins are very rare, as the couple have to be related as cousins through both parents.

 

Niiiiice. Now the next Christmas when sparks inevitably fly between me and my 14 year old cousin, I will have to remember that we can seal the deal with a quick trip to North Carolina, where residency is not required, waiting periods are not required, and penis/vagina matrimony reigns supreme.

Then we can go to Myrtle Beach.

 

Love,

The girl who relishes the divorce rate among straight couples who define the sanctity of marriage

 

PS: With the possibility that I have not convinced you that this latest slap in the face of ALL Americans (yes, all) and their right to marriage equality was just NC being a bitch, check out my other entry, “Why Gay Marriage Should Never Be Legalized and America Rocks!!!”   It’ll give you like, so much insight.

“Hoes Before Embryos” and Why Planned Parenthood Should Stick Around

Today has proven to be a sippy cup of useless knowledge.

Remove the hot guy and we can talk

THIS MORNING:  While talking with my mother I learned that not everyone dreams about food. The conversation went something like this:

Me:  “Soooooo… you know when you have one of those dreams where you’re surrounded by food, you eat until you throw up, and then struggle to hang yourself?”

Mom: “No, that’s never happened to me.”

Me:  “Really? I mean, I’m pretty sure everyone has that dream at least once a week.”

Mom: “That hasn’t happened in my lifetime.”

Me: “Oh, haha. Me either.”

THIS AFTERNOON: While applying streetwalker makeup for my coffee pouring job, I learned/realized that by repeatedly stabbing my eyeballs with a mascara wand on a daily basis, I am no doubt  responsible for my bloodshot soul windows and future blindness. Well, that and all the meth.

THIS EVENING: While “working” I browsed Facebook headlines, which, much like legitimate news sources, left me anxious for a story that did not involve cute puppies or fat people eating burritos.  Much to my surprise in the evening hours I began to see a “trending topic” involving Republicans, Planned Parenthood, and abortion.

While I, and all other liberals, view abortion as an everyday recreational activity, much like tennis or Magic the Gathering, apparently Republicans aren’t so big on it. Who knew? What with all the blood thirsty legislation passed in this country, one would think Republicans ate fetuses for breakfast. But I am here to tell you, that is not the case. They’re more of an eggs benedict party.

As an avid fan of abortion and the murder of all children, I have to say all this uproar about Planned Parenthood and its abortion services is a little silly. First of all, if there is anyone who SHOULD be angry it should be people like me – advocates of fetal destruction. Do you know how many abortions Planned Parenthood has prevented, simply by providing inexpensive birth control options to women? I’d venture a guess at thousands to a Gazillion. You just can’t mess with statistical fact.

But even a Gazillion prevented abortions doesn’t make up for the fact that a whopping 3% of Planned Parenthood provided services are abortions. I know. Disgustingly low. Where are all the pregnant Democrats getting their inevitable abortions – back alleys in Tijuana? Mexicans really are taking all of our jobs.

But Republicans seem to think that 35% of services related to contraception, 35% related to STD treatment and prevention, and 16% related to Cancer screenings are simply not enough to make up for that tiny, wittle, 3%. Which is why several Planned Parenthood locations around the country have lost or are at risk of losing funding. To the everyday, logical person, this may not make sense. But when you keep in mind this famous Republican mantra, it’s a little clearer:

“Babies born no matter what

 Then have them killed in war

Increase all military spending

Stop funding all the whores.”

Brings a tear to my eye every time.

Unfortunately, government funding isn’t the only hit Planned Parenthood is taking. One of the other reasons my peeps are all a-Twitter is that apparently the Susan G. Komen Foundation has cut funding to Planned Parenthood. What a slap in the uterus. What kind of women’s health organization de-funds another women’s health organization?  Whatever happened to hoes before embryos? Kinda effed up, SGKF. Just sayin’.

So after much thought and coffee, I have developed a solution to this problem.

Republicans. Let us keep our American based Planned Parenthood locations. Let us continue providing low income women with contraception, cancer testing, STD testing and treatments, and all general gynecology services we women get and you men don’t want to hear about. In return, we will help advocate the building of Planned Parenthood locations in the Middle East. Why? The more contraception available to Middle Eastern women, the less terrorists in the world! YES! Oh, and get this. Since torture is pretty much a staple of American diplomacy and the prevention of war crimes, why not enforce some mandatory abortions of the future jihadists being conceived each day! Because, just keeping it real, we all know all this self-righteous morality disappears faster than Bin Laden’s corpse (eh hem…I call bullshit) when it comes to the war on terror. Keep it in mind.

Looking out for America, always.

Love,

The girl who, like 99% of liberals hates abortion but advocates the right to choose

See Ya Later, Ambien: How Obama and the Indefinite Detention of U.S. Citizens Will Help Me Sleep at Night

The War on Terror has encapsulated my life. Though it did not officially begin until 2001, I have feared the turban with unprecedented bedwetting since I was four years old and saw Aladdin for the first time. Following the 1993 World Trade Center bombings, I was diagnosed with Insomniac Depression Instigated by the Overreaction to Terrorism (IDIOT) Disorder. Crippled by fears of curry, the body hair of Middle-Eastern men, and the presence of radical Islam, I have spent nearly twenty years of my life lying awake at night, trembling in horror from the constant threat to my freedom as an American. Up until December 31, 2011, I could only begin to relieve my terror each night by listening to Rush Limbaugh and humming “God Bless the USA” to myself until I fell asleep.

But on January 1, 2012 I awoke to a blessing disguised as a “friend’s” Facebook post of an article from the head news organization of the liberal media elite, known as the “New York Times.” It revealed to my baggy eyes, a new law put in place by President Obama called the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA). Now, to be fair, my initial reaction was not that of increased patriotic sentiment. In fact, I felt no prouder to be an American than when I went to bed the night before, as I assumed this was some sort of law Communist Obama was using to further strip America of its greatness as a nation. But when I read the article and learned what the law entails, a feeling of warm, safe, ignorant bliss, flowed through my well-fed American body.  

The NDAA is a law stating that under the President’s authority, any suspect of terrorism, including U.S. citizens arrested in the United States, could be indefinitely detained, without charge or trial, and possibly under control of the U.S. Armed Forces.

Physically aroused by the thought of combatting terror on American soil, I stepped away from my computer and resigned to a cold shower. Trying to free my mind and body from the frenzy of pleasure this latest act of government control incited in me, proved to be more difficult than expected. I found my mind swirling in a haze of jingoistic pride. Who knew a reformed terrorist like Barrack Obama could enforce such a patriotic response to the threat of domestic-based terrorism? Not me, that’s for sure. Just knowing, that fellow Americans like me, innocent and never to be charged or proven guilty of anything in particular, could be denied their constitutional right to trial by jury, already makes me feel safer.

But it seems, I am one of few to see the beauty in this law. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), an evidently popular terrorist organization, has released statements, treasonously speaking out against this law and President Obama.

“President Obama’s action … is a blight on his legacy because he will forever be known as the president who signed indefinite detention without charge or trial into law,” ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero said.

 

Um, as if?

f***ing clueless

orange is the new pink! *giggle*

The ACLU, the Center for Constitutional Rights (CCR), the Human Rights Watch and other anti-freedom organizations, keep referring to this law as “unconstitutional” and “authoritarian.” But like, since when has protecting our freedom been unconstitutional? The whole point of the government is to make sure no uppity Muslims can take away our constitutional rights to being Christian and owning guns. But unfortunately, some ungrateful Americans, feel the need to participate in terrorist activities like joining Jihadist Facebook groups and TiVoing “American Muslim.” Frankly, I think there is absolutely no reason, that whole “innocent until proven guilty, trial by jury” thing, should apply to these phony, undeserving Americans. In fact, I’m PRETTY sure, our Founding Fathers would agree that, when it comes to fighting for our freedom, the constitution is sort of a null and void set of guidelines, at best, and if they were important, we wouldn’t have reelected Bush after he approved the Patriot Act. More like, ACL-U don’t know what you’re talking about! Might as well rename yourself the Al’Qaeda Coalition of Liberty Under-miners!

When our freedom to be fat and unemployed is at stake, the government has every right to trample the rights of the people. And any so-called American who wants to challenge the authority of our government, which only has our BEST intentions in mind, should be detained. After all, if you aren’t making a bomb in your attic, browsing Iraqi porn on the Internet, or doing anything else the NDAA fails to mention as actual reasons for the indefinite detainment of Americans…hmm…, anyway, if you aren’t doing anything the government, vaguely describes as possible “suspected terrorism,” you have nothing to worry about. Yeah, I mean, I’m not sure exactly what they consider suspected terrorism, but I’m sure it’s pretty bad, and as I always say,” if Toby Keith wouldn’t, I shouldn’t.”

But what I’m mostly concerned about is this radical, anti-troops notion that the military involvement in this law is a bad thing.  Look, people, the military is here to protect us.  If Obama says someone is a threat, then they MUST be a threat, and therefore deserve whatever they have coming to them. Frankly, I’m shocked that anyone could even insinuate that the Armed Forces would abuse their power. It’s not like that’s ever happened before…

 

Abu Ghraib Prison Abuse

Ok, ok, but that’s no worse than a typical Red State method of punishment, much akin to a childhood spanking….

ANYWAY I just thought I should write something to express my gratitude to the Obama Administration.  I for one, have never felt so safe and so proud to be an American citizen, temporarily free to roam our gold-paved streets. So I want to thank you, President Obama. Thank you for using your elected-position to infringe on the rights of the people who elected you. I know you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t truly believe it was the right thing. I’m proud of you and anyone who disagrees can go choke on some freedom fries.

Love,

The girl who really, seriously, PRAYS, from the bottom of her heart, that ya’ll can appreciate some sarcasm.

 

Click for the terrifying truth about the NDAA