Blog Archives

Wasting My Vote Like I’m Getting Paid For It – Third Party Candidates in Two Party America

So after months of bewilderment at the amount of seemingly unprovoked political postings on Facebook, my only source of human interaction, I have finally discovered the root cause of all the unwanted opinionated goobledygook that I for one, have in no way…

whatsoever

…at all

…even remotely participated in.

So evidently the United States Presidential election is taking place in 11 days.* I know, right? I’m totally buggin.’

Now I’d venture a guess that there are plenty of numb-minded Americans feeling overwhelmed by the vast amount of choices they have for this election:

(L) – Barack Obama (R) – Mitt Romney
*whoops!* I mean — oh, forget it

 Pretttty sizable, I’d say.

But considering the fact that the outdated Gallop poll survey I am using to make my point says 37% of Americanscan’t find America on a map** (“Map? It’s on your lapel, silly!”)…

Real Americans wear lapel pins

I think it’s safe to say, most Americans probably don’t know there are even MORE choices for the Presidential election this year.

So for those of you with enough free time to read my blog, but not enough to stay informed on American politics, continue reading for a quick and easy breakdown of the unpopular, but determined third party candidates running for President, despite continued efforts from the media to pretend they don’t exist, like the missed period of an unmarried Catholic teen. And for those of you who think I’m too pretentious to handle, please blow up my comments with derogatory feedback.  

 Gary Johnson – Libertarian Party

 Arguably the most popular third party candidate this election season, Gary Johnson has successfully tapped into the impenetrable Ron Paul fan base. As the former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson is a fiscally conservative, socially liberal candidate. He is an advocate for civil liberties, marriage equality, drug decriminialization, and slashing the federal deficit in the first year through cutting government programs. He would repeal the Patriot Act, the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), among other unconstitutional acts.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.garyjohnson2012.com

Jill Stein – Green Party

Green Party candidates have a long history of upsetting Presidential elections and if my vote means anything, this year’s candidate will too. Jill Stein is long-time physician, educator, and activist. She has developed “The Green New Deal” which focuses on economic reform through green technology, is vehemently opposed to the War on Drugs, would like to add an ammendment to the constitution stating that coorporations are NOT people, repeal the Patriot Act and NDAA, and stop all use of military drones. Basically, she’s a BAMF.

visit her website for more specifics:  www.jillstein.org

Rocky Anderson – Justice Party

WTF is the Justice Party? I know. That’s what I thought too. The Justice Party is a liberal political party formed to get former Democratic Mayor of Salt Lake City, Rocky Anderson on the 2012 Presidential ballad. Rocky is a strong supporter of LGBT rights, climate protection, immigration reform, civil liberties, and the decriminalization of drugs. He was also the only mayor of a major city to pursue the impeachment of George W. Bush. Whoa.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.voterocky.org

Virgil Goode – The Consitution Party

Probably the closest third party candidate to a traditional Republican (ie. not Mitt Romney), Virgil Goode is the only candidate who has proposed to put a moratorium on Green cards for immigrants, which he advocates quite proudly. He is in favor of an immediate governmental budget balance, is consistently pro-life, wants to eliminate foreign aid, and audit the Federal Reserve. His accent’s pretty cool, too.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.goodeforpresident2012.com

It’s hard to believe that four experienced, politically active candidates continue to get so little attention from mainstream media, but Ashton Kutcher is also the highest paid actor on TV, so apparently injustice comes in many forms.

Chuck Lorre has written this exact scene on at least 36 occassions, whilst swapping out the “actors” for younger, less impressive models. Way to be innovative Chuckles!

All four candidates recently participated in the Free and Equal Elections Foundation debate, hosted by Larry King.

Watching it quickly helped me confirm who Iwould be voting for, despite the fact that I voted for Barrack Obama four years ago, and would rather die than refer to Mittens as President Romney. Because if there is anything I have learned since voting in my first Presidential election it’s this:

Voting for someone makes me at least partially responsible for whatever they do, good or bad, during their Presidency.

While this is about as obvious as a stage whisper, it seems like most people forget this during the sensationalized politics of a Presidential election. But the fact of the matter is, the last guy I voted for not only re-signed the Patriot Act and maintained Guantanamo Bay, but he also utilizes drone warfare, killing far too many innocent civilians in the Middle East, signed into action the National Defense Authorization Act which allows the government to indefinitely detain U.S. citizens without charge or trial, and apparently has Nicki Minaj on his iPod. Ya’ll know I can’t deal with that shit.

And unfortunately Romney too, supports all of the above. Except maybe the Nicki Minaj thing. He seems like more of a Celine Dion guy to me.  

So just between you and me, I don’t really care who wins. If Obama wins we’ll continue to have a “hip” President who likes gay people and playing basketball, when he’s not violating our civil liberties. If Romney wins, the Oval office will have that nice, slimy, used car salesman feel to it again, perhaps helping people to wake up to the realization that both Democrats and Republicans sold out to corporate interests a long time ago, and the only real definiable difference is the size of their lapel pins.

Think about it.  When the dust settles on the election, and we have either a President Obama or a President Romney actively recanting every promise they made, as history indicates they most definitely will, do you want to know that you contributed to allowing them to do that?

Though it should go without saying, voting for the lesser of two evils is like choosing to drown a baby instead of setting it on fire.  My question is, why not choose not to kill the baby at all? 

We are Americans. Most of us already have no integrity by default. All I ask, is that this election season, we vote with a little intergrity.

WE VOTE NOT TO KILL THE BABY!!!!

Love,

The girl who throws her votes away like crushed dreams and used underwear

*This is a lie. I knew there was an election.

**To be fair, I’m pretty sure this survey included babies, the blind, and people from Arkansas.

North Carolina Blues: The Story of the South Once Again Proving How Irrelevant They Are

Poor North Carolina.

After all of Asheville’s efforts to make the state seem cool and relevant to the rest of the U.S. beyond a convenient place to stop and take a dump on the way to Myrtle Beach, they have consummated their irrelevancy by proving just how uncool they really are.

Today voters in North Carolina passed an amendment to their state legislation to ban gay marriage. Now to be fair, North Carolina has always had a very traditional take on marriage. According to www.usmarriagelaws.com, North Carolina holds marriage values in high esteem, as proven with these laws:

In NC these girls can get married!!!
…just not to each other

  • Applicants 16 and 17 must present a consent form signed by the parent, individual, agency or institution having legal custody or serving as the legal guardian of the underage party.
  • Applicants 14 and 15 must provide a certified copy of the court order authorizing the marriage. A certified copy of the birth certificate is also required.

 *****A marriage license may not be issued to applicants under 14 years of age.

 

YOU SEE, gays? There’s no reason to be upset. 7th graders can’t get married either!!!

Well…at least not until 8th grade…

Wait, what?

Waiting Period:

No waiting period.

 

In North Carolina, marriage vows and long term “eternal” commitments can be made with relatively no forethought. As long as they are at least 14 year old penises and 14 year old vaginas, they can get married whenever they want, simply because they are penises and vaginas!

The high school marriage on One Tree Hill is suddenly making so much sense…

 

      Cousin Marriage:

Isn’t it just great?

       Yes. First cousins MAY marry, but DOUBLE first cousins may not. Double first cousins are very rare, as the couple have to be related as cousins through both parents.

 

Niiiiice. Now the next Christmas when sparks inevitably fly between me and my 14 year old cousin, I will have to remember that we can seal the deal with a quick trip to North Carolina, where residency is not required, waiting periods are not required, and penis/vagina matrimony reigns supreme.

Then we can go to Myrtle Beach.

 

Love,

The girl who relishes the divorce rate among straight couples who define the sanctity of marriage

 

PS: With the possibility that I have not convinced you that this latest slap in the face of ALL Americans (yes, all) and their right to marriage equality was just NC being a bitch, check out my other entry, “Why Gay Marriage Should Never Be Legalized and America Rocks!!!”   It’ll give you like, so much insight.

“Hoes Before Embryos” and Why Planned Parenthood Should Stick Around

Today has proven to be a sippy cup of useless knowledge.

Remove the hot guy and we can talk

THIS MORNING:  While talking with my mother I learned that not everyone dreams about food. The conversation went something like this:

Me:  “Soooooo… you know when you have one of those dreams where you’re surrounded by food, you eat until you throw up, and then struggle to hang yourself?”

Mom: “No, that’s never happened to me.”

Me:  “Really? I mean, I’m pretty sure everyone has that dream at least once a week.”

Mom: “That hasn’t happened in my lifetime.”

Me: “Oh, haha. Me either.”

THIS AFTERNOON: While applying streetwalker makeup for my coffee pouring job, I learned/realized that by repeatedly stabbing my eyeballs with a mascara wand on a daily basis, I am no doubt  responsible for my bloodshot soul windows and future blindness. Well, that and all the meth.

THIS EVENING: While “working” I browsed Facebook headlines, which, much like legitimate news sources, left me anxious for a story that did not involve cute puppies or fat people eating burritos.  Much to my surprise in the evening hours I began to see a “trending topic” involving Republicans, Planned Parenthood, and abortion.

While I, and all other liberals, view abortion as an everyday recreational activity, much like tennis or Magic the Gathering, apparently Republicans aren’t so big on it. Who knew? What with all the blood thirsty legislation passed in this country, one would think Republicans ate fetuses for breakfast. But I am here to tell you, that is not the case. They’re more of an eggs benedict party.

As an avid fan of abortion and the murder of all children, I have to say all this uproar about Planned Parenthood and its abortion services is a little silly. First of all, if there is anyone who SHOULD be angry it should be people like me – advocates of fetal destruction. Do you know how many abortions Planned Parenthood has prevented, simply by providing inexpensive birth control options to women? I’d venture a guess at thousands to a Gazillion. You just can’t mess with statistical fact.

But even a Gazillion prevented abortions doesn’t make up for the fact that a whopping 3% of Planned Parenthood provided services are abortions. I know. Disgustingly low. Where are all the pregnant Democrats getting their inevitable abortions – back alleys in Tijuana? Mexicans really are taking all of our jobs.

But Republicans seem to think that 35% of services related to contraception, 35% related to STD treatment and prevention, and 16% related to Cancer screenings are simply not enough to make up for that tiny, wittle, 3%. Which is why several Planned Parenthood locations around the country have lost or are at risk of losing funding. To the everyday, logical person, this may not make sense. But when you keep in mind this famous Republican mantra, it’s a little clearer:

“Babies born no matter what

 Then have them killed in war

Increase all military spending

Stop funding all the whores.”

Brings a tear to my eye every time.

Unfortunately, government funding isn’t the only hit Planned Parenthood is taking. One of the other reasons my peeps are all a-Twitter is that apparently the Susan G. Komen Foundation has cut funding to Planned Parenthood. What a slap in the uterus. What kind of women’s health organization de-funds another women’s health organization?  Whatever happened to hoes before embryos? Kinda effed up, SGKF. Just sayin’.

So after much thought and coffee, I have developed a solution to this problem.

Republicans. Let us keep our American based Planned Parenthood locations. Let us continue providing low income women with contraception, cancer testing, STD testing and treatments, and all general gynecology services we women get and you men don’t want to hear about. In return, we will help advocate the building of Planned Parenthood locations in the Middle East. Why? The more contraception available to Middle Eastern women, the less terrorists in the world! YES! Oh, and get this. Since torture is pretty much a staple of American diplomacy and the prevention of war crimes, why not enforce some mandatory abortions of the future jihadists being conceived each day! Because, just keeping it real, we all know all this self-righteous morality disappears faster than Bin Laden’s corpse (eh hem…I call bullshit) when it comes to the war on terror. Keep it in mind.

Looking out for America, always.

Love,

The girl who, like 99% of liberals hates abortion but advocates the right to choose

The Great Plights of Humanity – Four Issues Untouched During the GOP Debate

Last night the Greedy Old Pricks held their latest debate of the political season. As a passionate young American, hungry for change and a plate of Pad Thai, I was patriotically tuned into this event, eyes peeled, brain ready to be washed.

But I was of course disappointed, not only with what I heard but with what I didn’t. Since the start of this train wreck known as the 2012 Presidential Race, I have been impatiently waiting for a candidate to address the problems that are truly plaguing this great nation. Right now it’s all economy, social security, foreign affairs, immigration. Basically, a bunch of bull s***.

What I’m concerned about are the real issues. The ones that make Joe the Plumber cry himself to sleep each night into his American flag pillowcase. The ones that will make Michelle Bachman say, “Whoa, wait a minute. I’m running for President of the United States? I thought this was for student council!” The hard hitting, pull no punches, “I’ll put my life and lobbyists’ money on the line to make change” issues.

That’s why in the next debate, I will be paying close attention for the candidates to address the following problems. These, ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, are what I consider “The Four Great Plights of Humanity.”

1. People using  the word “fudge” in place of f***.

Now some people may disagree with me. They may say “Lena, this is not a plight of humanity. This is humanity’s beautiful attempt to dismiss a word so vulgar in nature it must be referred to, with a Voldemortian sort of cautiousness, as ‘the f-word.’” Well to those people I say, fudge you. Because truth be told, the only time this word is acceptable is when Ralphie says it in “A Christmas Story.” Otherwise, it’s fudging lame.

While we’re at it, I’d also like to throw in “crapola” and “quackalator.” These words are hideous. Some call them cute. I call them treasonous.

2. Girls who get tan-toos of Playboy bunnies.

Well really any kind of tan-too* reeks of skank and may as well be accompanied by clear heels and a portable pole. But there is something especially trashy about the choice of the Playboy bunny. A Playboy bunny tan-too basically says to its audience “I come with high melanin and low self esteem. Call me!” but with substantially
less opportunity for misspellings.

*I may or may not have invented this word. I make no claims.

3. People who hold their noses when they sneeze.

How many times have you been sitting in a public place like a waiting room, courthouse, or God forbid church (J/K, JC!) and saw a tiny, spiny, little woman wearing a lavender cardigan and Keds, sitting by herself reading Good Housekeeping when suddenly you hear a squeak like a chipmunk getting sucked into a vacuum cleaner?

You look around to discover what produced this sound, when you see it. The tiny woman’s tiny eyes are shut, her tiny head is leaning back, and just as she is about to forcefully erupt into a fit of sneezes, her tiny fingers and undoubtedly cold fingertips pinch her tiny nose, causing the sneeze to push back into her nasal passages, resulting in said
squeak.  She pats her nose with a Kleenex and tucks it into her purse before going back to reading about carved pumpkin lanterns.

Meanwhile you sit in your chair, (or pew) awe-struck. When a woman’s giving birth you don’t shove the baby back in. Why treat a sneeze any different? This is just wrong. Dare I say in some irrelevant way, un-American?

4. Child cell phone use

A few months ago I was following an elementary school bus
home from work. I always sort of dread these moments. I’m not really amused by children, especially when they are in a tribe setting like a school bus. I expect savage behavior; spitballs, hair pulling, gun fights, all the standard horsin’ around. So you can imagine my surprise when I pulled up behind the bus at a red light and saw nothing but several children sitting calmly and quietly in their seats. It was beautiful.  How often does one get to see a group of future voters with their spirits already broken? I was impressed.  But upon closer
inspection I realized these children were not quiet as result of having their heads in the sand. They were quiet because they were busy being occupied by their cell phones.

Cell phones.

Elementary school students.

These kids are between the ages of say 5 and 10. Why do they have cell phones? Who are they texting? They can’t even spell yet, should they
really grow up thinking “OMG” is a word or that the proper spelling of great is GR8?  I should hope not.

Academics aside, what about social growth? Time spent on a
school bus is essential. Kids learn the hierarchy of the older vs. the younger kids and all the slang words for penis. ESSENTIAL. With all of these kids too busy writing Barney fan fiction on their iPhones and googling pictures of naked Bratz dolls, they are missing out on these valuable childhood memories. Don’t take these experiences away from our children. Take their cell phones.

Will these issues ever be addressed by the GOP Presidential
hopefuls?  Doubtful. But just in case, keep your eyes and ears open, America. For the deciding factor of the 2012 election will not be the economy or healthcare. But the candidate most willing to put an
end to the madness stated above that is slowly but surely eating away at American culture.

Love,

The girl who Ron Paul aside, would rather die than vote Republican