Valentine’s Day is the festering sore of non-religious holidays. I’m not just saying this because I am single this year (correction: that is the only reason I am saying this) but rather because Valentine’s Day is the one holiday everyone sort of wishes didn’t exist, but still has to acknowledge. Kind of like herpes. That’s it. Valentine’s Day is like the herpes of non-religious holidays; you can pretend it doesn’t exist, but at the end of the day, you still have scabs on your nether region.
For whatever reason, women take this holiday very VERY seriously. I’m not excluding myself from this. Before I was a used-up, jaded, old hag, V-Day held a special place in my heart, now reserved for Arlo Guthrie vinyl records and that green cake icing that comes in a tube. Each year, on February 13, my sister and I would sit on my bed in our nightgowns, braiding each other’s hair and harmonizing to “When You Wish Upon a Star,” discussing the love we were bound to discover the coming day, through some romantic, male-orchestrated gesture involving skywriting and the performance of a Lifehouse song. Actually that never happened. But for those who don’t know, Lifehouse songs really f***ed me up.
Needless to say, VDay is very important to most women. It’s not so much because we actually think it’s an important holiday but more because there will always be that one guy dating that one girl we secretly hate, who very openly shares how romantic her boyfriend is
on Facebook, posting pictures of the hand-sewn teddy bear given to her for Valentine’s Day. Forget the fact that over-the-top Valentine’s Day gestures are generally compensation for sub-par bed play and yet-to-be disclosed homosexuality, on February 14th all that truly matters is how big the gesture is and how many people know about it.
So to help all the fellas and ladies (I don’t judge) who have a demanding, over-bearing woman expecting something grand for this worthless consumerist holiday, I am going to provide five romantic ideas to woo your gal.
1. Write her a poem. Here’s an example.
Rubies are red,
I can’t afford either,
When I’m paying for you.
OH YEAH. Girls eat that shit up. I should know. I’m a girl, despite what you may read.
Just kidding. There are no transvestite rumors about me.
Use this. She’ll dig it.
You don’t have to mean it. No one ever does. If you really want to blow her mind, do it with a tattoo! Nothing says “I love you” like a permanently emblazoned question, personal enough to result in divorce, impersonal enough to be used next year on someone else.
3. Get a love tattoo
Along the lines of the creepy proposal, you can’t put a price on an even creepier love tattoo, except maybe your dignity. You could go for the traditional first name tattoo if you want to be a pussy about it, but if you really want to make an impression go for the ultra-intense portrait or first name acronym tat. For example, if a man were going to get a tattoo of my name, I would suggest the following:
L – usciously
E – ndowed
N – oble
A – ssociate
Associate? That’s right. Anything else would be too big a commitment.
4. Cook her dinner
Ok, I know what you must be thinking. “Damn, bitch, now I gotta cook for this skank-ass honey?” and to that I say, “you’re white, stop talking like that.” Yes, you have to cook for her. I know this is an overwhelming prospect since she will inevitably find out that you know how to cook and therefore may expect it to happen more often. If that idea frightens you than I suggest that you cook something so inedible she will be hospitalized. Not only will that ensure you will never have to cook again, but hospitals are filled with unaccounted for flower bouquets waiting to be seized by you.
5. Break up with her…then take it back
For all you stingy SOBs out there, this is the cheapest, easiest option, requiring little effort, and excessive cruelty. Convince her it’s over. You’re tired of “Dancing With the Stars” and sharing a toothbrush. You don’t need a man cave you need a man grave if you’re going to stay one more day with her! (use that line, it’s golden!) Once she is a blubbering mess, cradle her in your arms and tell her you will take her back. She will be so happy to have a boyfriend again, she won’t even care that you didn’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day. If the plan backfires and she ends it with you, at least you don’t have her name tattooed on your ass.
If you don’t like any of these ideas, that’s probably a sign that you’re a decent human being. Whatever.
Good night and good luck.
Happy Valentine’s Day all you happy people doomed for divorce and alimony payments.
The girl who just wants somebody to love, Jefferson Airplane style.