Blog Archives

Mitt Romney, Unplugged

Today while refreshing my “site stats” page and crying inside, I realized it has been a long time since I have incorporated Google search terms* into a blog post. I was sadenned.

I thought to myself, there MUST be a way to do this! But I have done just about everything with a Google search term, short of getting impregnated by one. Surely I could not come up with another way! But then it hit me…

Mitt Romney.

“Do you realize, Lena, that you are the only person who will find any of this funny?” I thought to myself, whilst navigating Paint on my company computer. And to that I say, “you know it, ho.”

So with that I give you this:  

Mitt Romney, Unplugged

 

 

I’m laughing. Even if you’re not.

 

Love,

 

The girl with classy but ghetto orangutan titties

*Google search terms that led people to my blog, taken verbatim from my site stats page

Napping on Toilets and Answering All of Your Googled Questions

I recently fell asleep on the toilet.

I’m not going to say where I was or how it happened, but I will tell you I was getting paid at the time and it wasn’t an accident. While I admit I am slightly ashamed of my inappropriate slumber, overall I feel pretty okay about it. After all, some people shower with kids at their jobs. I just fell asleep. Lena  – 1, Penn State Staff – 0.

Still this has me slightly concerned. Not just about my evident narcolepsy but the fact that I am so un-stimulated at my current employment that I can disappear to the bathroom for ten minutes and nap without anyone in my three-person office noticing. Really makes one feel a sense of value in the American workforce.

Nevertheless, I have decided that I can’t let this happen again. If I’m going to disappear for ten minutes, unnoticed, I’d rather it be to do something really important like read US Weekly in the bookstore or talk to Butch, the new janitor who likes to wink at me while stroking his mop. Just kidding. I stroke it for him.

Nothing in the last paragraph is true.

Anyway. Today while driving home from work I started to think, which was a strange adjustment after five hours of not thinking at all, about all of the other people in the world who are as un-stimulated by their work as I am, and wondering how they handle it. It didn’t take a great deal of brain power to determine the answer to all of life’s inevitably dull moments.

Now, everyone knows that I have a special place in my heart reserved for people who Google ridiculous things, because more often than not they end up at my blog. I’m not sure how it happens. I’m not sure how the search phrase “sometimes I feel sad and then I remember I have a nice big round ass” brings someone to my blog. But it does and it makes me happy.

So when I got home I decided to review all of the Google search terms that brought people to my blog in the past month, and much to my irrational level of happiness, I discovered that many a lost soul has reached my blog through deep, heart-wrenching, questions entered in the Google search box, only to be lost in the abyss of porn and pictures of cats that make up 96% of the content of the Internet.

Because of this, I have decided that I will take this time to respond to only the most imperative of questions my blog was formerly unable to answer. Here we go.

1.       How tall is Kris Jenner?

Kris Jenner is 5 feet of unfortunate fertility and 6 inches of erectile dysfunction.

Kris Jenner is a 56 year old woman

2.       What are the worst things for a man to say to woman?

 

Woman: “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

Man: “Not as much as the ones you wore yesterday.”

 OR

Man: “It’s a lucky man that gets her pregnant.”

Woman: “That’s our daughter you’re talking about!”

 

3.       Do Italians like skinny or curvy women?

 

Italians aren’t selective. They love women. All women. In fact, Italian men love women so much that by default, one gay Italian man will have more heterosexual sex in one month than four straight Jewish men will in their entire lives. I didn’t just make this up.

 

But realistically, every woman will have sex with at least one Italian man in her life. If she doesn’t she might be a lesbian, but is probably just a Mormon. In which case she will have lots of unsatisfying arranged sex with a much older man she is possibly related to, enough times that she will decide she hates all men, including Italians.

Mormonism: the everyday cure to female heterosexuality.

 

PS: Sorry, Mormons.

 

4.       Why is it that that other woman has big legs?

 

An evolutionary defense against short Italians. And all Mormons.

 

5.       Why is my urine very orange?

 

There are only three reasons urine is ever orange.

A. You have liver disease. Good luck with that

B. You eat too many carrots. F*** you.

C. You live in New Jersey. All of the above

 

Jersey Girls: So hot, even their pee burns!

6.       Who is that tattooed man drinking coffee and wearing a pea coat?

It’s difficult to say without seeing the man in question, but nine times out of ten, it’s Taylor Lautner pretending to be straight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7.       How can I tell if a girl is wearing a butt pad?

Her butt cheeks are disproportionate to her desperation.

 

8.       Are meth addicts proud of their addiction?

Duh.

 

9.       Why do I curse so much?

 

Because socially forbidden words are more satisfying to use than academically impressive ones.

And you know once you’re old it will be really funny.

 

10.   What is it like to live alone with a pet dog?

Depressing. No one else you ever live with will love you so much they will hold their pee for 9 hours until they see you. It’s all downhill from there.

 

That’s all for now.

Any questions?

Love,

The girl with tan shoes and pink shoelaces

Sunday Night Round Up #4

There are insects pitching tents in my apartment. Not in the dirty way ; though considering the vast population, probably in the dirty way too. They are setting up camp in various locations from the bathroom ceiling to the living room doorway, tormenting me with their presence, while no doubt researching rates for the increasingly popular window-front properties in my bedroom. I know deep down they don’t mean to pummel my existence, but that is just what they have done. They have pummeled my existence.

It’s been total insect anarchy since the bug on my toothbrushincident of last week. They just keep showing up and they won’t go away. There like a bunch of Occupy protestors. They accomplish nothing while making life a little more unpleasant for all who come into their company. Like last night when my bedroom was commandeered by a spider and some variation of a mosquito and I was forced to relocate to my living room for sleep, just to have my living room attacked by another spider and a stinkbug.

After several hours spent in the presence of savage wildlife I didn’t have the heart or testicles to kill, I managed to accumulate 2 hours of sleep. So today, along with my usual emotional instability, I am struggling with undiagnosed narcolepsy. I’m like Harriet Tubman, only slightly less historically relevant.

Anyway.

This week has been a gold mine of search terms used to find my blog. I invite you to feast on these 10 glorious representations of the maximum capacity of human intellectualism, that continue to fill me with great hope for the future of humanity.

Here is Our Top 10

  1. Women are bad at parking because they are always lied to about 8 inches
  2. Physical characteristics of inbred people.
  3. Girl with blond hair bob blog ß(THIS IS ME!!!!)
  4. I gave your girlfriend a dictionary
  5. How long do meth addicts live?
  6. Orangutan boobs
  7. Ted Bundy dating game
  8. Does soul mate = gold digger?
  9. Human soul pie chart
  10. Biggest rack of 2012

Frosted flake!

Love,

The girl who thinks “Cheerio!” as a farewell is SO April 2012

Sunday Night Roundup #3

I’m half Japanese. Or rather, I eat a lot of sushi. Plus I write haikus like a beast and am a bad driver.

Oh wait, that’s Chinese.

Is this politically incorrect?

“Weekly Search Term” Haiku

Cute baby rabbits

Scott Peterson psychopath

Body in Kitchen

Here is Our Top 10

  1. Puppies helping babies
  2. Unwanted impregnation literotica
  3. Motivational facial
  4. Person with two belly buttons
  5. Something bad to do to someone
  6. Cute fat Chinese babies
  7. Why do I hate twitter
  8. A really fat baby bear
  9. Pictures of inbred brothers with big ears
  10. Hawt fat chick

I really hope everyone else enjoys these as much as I do.

Love,

The girl composing unwanted impregnation literotica with a really fat baby bear, about two inbred brothers with big ears and a hawt fat chick bearing cute fat chinese babies with two belly buttons. It’s almost as good as the one about puppies helping babies who hate Twitter, to get motivational facials.What a bad thing to do to someone.

Blog Search Terms – Sunday Night Round Up #1

Partially because they are funny, mostly because I’m lazy, I have declared Sunday the official day of “Blog Search Terms.”  If ever there was an avenue to expose the sick, degenerate, enemies of society, it would be my blog, the one place they all convene.

In honor of the first Sunday Night Roundup I give you this haiku, once again composed solely of blog search terms:

 

Fat girl on toilet

Poop in your belly button

Your lunch smells like shit

 


Good stuff.

 

Here is Our Top Ten

1. Chuck Norris fanny pack

2. Walmart boner dressing room

3. Don’t celebrate Mother’s Day

4. Webcam girls unhygienic

5. Naked girl eye chart

6. Newborn belly button pus

7. Hannah smells like poo

8. Sweatpants can make you fatter

9. Blood and pus in belly button

10. Involuntary single woman

 

I Don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty positive about the state of the world.

See you next week for another Sunday Night Roundup. And just remember, the best part of a Sunday is the free wine at church reading the girl with the blog’s blog.

Love,

The girl “missing her Victoria’s Secret sweatpants” (another search term)