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Facebook Etiquette and the Plight of Having Annoying Friends

In recent days, a whiny fleet of Facebook friends have spread their misery through a series of emotionally tragic status updates. While the network of individuals with access to these posts are likely apathetic to the apparent cries for help plastered all over their mini feed, I in my continual state of self-pity, feed on the unhappiness of others in such a way that would imply a serious interest in organizing a group wrist cutting ceremony, or a Jessica Simpson movie marathon. So in J.D. Salinger speak, I pry like a sonofabitch.

Of course when I say pry, I’m being generous. Prying for information on Facebook is about as difficult as disarming a water gun. The standard Facebook profile has the grace of a trailer park and the class of a Hilton sister, taking a metaphoric dump on the concept of “less is more” by serving as the collective toilet for friends and families to shit all over with their simultaneous complaining/bragging about life.

Now, I’d love to criticize this behavior, but I am pretty much the ring leader of these peeps. While I may not post pictures of my C-Section scar or brand new penis ring (actual posts I have seen) I do have a terrible tendency to reveal my inner sorority girl with updates confirming or denying my relationship status. Example:

August 3, 2011

Lena is never going to another shitty concert because she likes someone ever again.

Classy.

I have also divulged in the ever-popular approach of using song lyrics to belittle another. I’m quite sure when Bob Dylan released his masterpiece album Blood On the Tracks (swoon) in 1974 it was not so emotionally-damaged females could have material for Facebook status updates 35 years later. However during my divorce I quoted it so frequently I considered contacting a lawyer about licensing fees.

 

My point is that there seems to be a gradually shrinking fourth wall on Facebook. At any given moment I can tell you the name of at least one woman with a yeast infection. I shouldn’t be able to do this! But nevertheless, when I began prying into these depressing Facebook updates, I discovered something less than extraordinary. It seems now more than ever people, including myself, are updating their Facebook status with deeply personal, deeply boring, posts manifesting in one of five things:

 

  1. Something about love.

We’ve all been there. It starts with a laugh. Two friends sharing a drink at the local bar. Their eyes meet. R Kelly is playing in the background. Fluids are exchanged followed by awkward cuddling and BAM! The start of a relationship at least one person already wants out of. Once the inevitable breakup takes place, these individuals, usually the ladies involved, express their frustration through posts like this:

“Single n’ lovin’ it!!!!!!!!!!! You never deserved all this!!!! Get a life, son LMAO!!!!!!!!!!” 

Then there are the couples who are so happy all the time, you secretly hope the dude involved with turn up on “To Catch a

Predator” and ruin the whole thing. These happy posts usually sound something like this:

“Came home and Archie already made dinner and shaved his own pubes. I love my man! <3”   

 

2. Something about sports

Evidently Sunday was the Super Bowl. Idk. I don’t follow sports. Also, I’ve been boycotting the Super Bowl since birth as a protest against materialism in American culture. Also, I hate football. Anyway. The Super Bowl and all of the games leading up to it result in the need for mass de-friending. I know, powerful. All those college baseball players I never met but Facebook-stalked as a freshman will be devastated when they realize that crazy girl who spent her time “liking” random workout photos, has cut them out of her life.

But really, if they are going to post things like this, they deserve what’s coming to them:

“Really???? What are you doing random athlete with Hispanic origin!! Do you even want to win? What a shitty random sports term!”.…Idk. I don’t get sports.

3. Something about being sick

Studies have shown that 93% of Facebook users truly believe they are the only person ever to get sick, which would explain these types of posts:

“Head is pounding, nose is running, it burns when I pee…and I’m working a double. FML!!!!

“Dear Stomach Virus, Please stop making me shit all over my Hello Kitty bed sheets. Love, Paula”

 

4. Something about being tired/going to sleep

Either the majority of my Facebook friends are participating in some sort of sleep study OR they are just vastly unaware of how boring they are. Either way, there is no need to update everyone on the developments of your nocturnal life, with posts like this:

 “Soooo TIRED! Stop texting me people! I don’t know how to turn my phone off OR put it on silent OR in another room!!!! Need sleeeeeeeep!!!!

“Going to sleep now. Have to get up in 4 hours. #FML”

“Dear Sleep, Please come so I can stop posting these annoying status updates. Love, Norma.”

 

5. Song lyrics that double as suicide notes

A few days ago I was talking to my father on the phone. The conversation went something like this:

Dad: So Lena, how have you been otherwise…emotionally?

Lena: Straight trippin’, you know!

Dad: It’s hard to tell sometimes with your Facebook statuses…

Lena: I-D-K, Dad.

Dad: Are you depressed?

Lena: It ain’t no big thing. If I got problems, you will know I got problems. Werd.

 

Ok, so actually the conversation went nothing like that. But he did ask me if I was depressed and I laughed and said no and that I’m just posting lyrics of songs I’m listening to at the time. Apparently I listen to a lot of depressing/contemplative/parental concern-inducing music. Nevertheless, I think you get what I’m saying. No need to depress ya’ll.

 

My point in this entire post is really just to say this:

Attention to myself and all Facebook users: Not every thought that goes through your head is interesting enough to require a status update. In fact, hardly are interesting enough to share in your diary. Please think before you post. Not because you are offensive or threatening your future employment, but because you are really f***ing annoying.

Love,

The girl who just updated her Facebook status: dance with no pants on, holla!…i’m only writing this to add an ironic ending to my blog…