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Results are In: I am NOT a Pretentious Shrew!

A few weeks ago I took a poll. Here are the results:

Because I have no concrete evidence of how many people actually participated in this poll, I can only speculate that with 183 subscribers, it was somewhere in the range of 6,072. In which case, I congratulate myself for having so many dedicated readers. There has never been a success in my life quite as remarkable as fabricated statistics.

The main thing I gather from these results is that the only thing people hate less than politics is calling me a pretentious shrew, which really is the mother of all compliments if you think about it. Yes. I can accept this world where beards are more important than love, and 50% of voters are completely indifferent to what I write. I accept it like I accept anything. Except Kristen Stewart. I don’t accept her. Not as an actress or as a human. That was not a vampire joke.

Anyhow. Thank you to everyone who participated in this. I appreciate your feedback.

And to those of you who did not, I invite you to stop being such a loser. It’s bad for your complexion.

Love,

 

The girl with a bad complexion

Things I hate PLUS a Poll – Because your vote counts…sorta

I am overwhelmed with hatred today.

That’s not really true.

I am overwhelmed with anxiety over completely irrelevant things, but am masking it as hatred to make me appear more in control of my life. Because somehow irrational hate seems more stable than irrational anxiety. Like Hitler. Only cuter.

This is incredibly offensive. I’m so, so, sorry.

So I’m thinking that airing my grievances to a world of uninterested readers will help validate my instability, allowing me to wallow in narcissism, and force my beliefs upon others. Like Jehovah’s Witness. Only better. Way better.

Here we go.

Reasons Lena is Irrationally Hateful Today

1. People who talk about how sarcastic they are:

It’s like skinny girls calling themselves fat or Republicans calling themselves human. If you have to make a point of telling someone how sarcastic you are, you obviously are not very good at achieving true sarcasm. Unless you are being sarcastic when you say you are sarcastic, in which case, I feel great admiration for you, you clever little minx!!!

…but no one does that.

Ever.

You, faceless woman, do not deserve to exist

2. #Hashtags:

I hate hashtags more than I could ever have anticipated hating anything.

There is nothing more disrespectful to the evolution of human communication than composing a barely intelligible statement about something completely irrelevant to humanity and following it with a hashtag to further explain what you failed to capture to begin with.

***UPDATE:  I just spent the last 15 minutes reading my own tweets and falling in love with myself. Apparently, there is something more disrespectful to the evolution of communication than hashtags–my existence.

3. Black Nail Polish

I don’t understand this trend, nor do I understand trends beyond the point of rejecting them on impulse. But the black nail polish trend makes me uncomfortable. Why? Because it’s ugly and ugly things shouldn’t exist outside of science fiction novels and Jersey Shore cast parties.

So why, sorority girls of the world? Why do you wear black nail polish? You look like you belong on The Hills. And if you aren’t familiar with The Hills, it is that really awesome TV show about why we should bomb California.

JK,  Brian Wilson!

Ok, so I realize these aren’t exactly earth-shattering revelations but I don’t have a lot of intellectual stimulation these days. Therefore, I am conducting the first and probably last, depending on the outcome, Girl with the Blog poll and I would like each and everyone of you to participate.

If you select “Other”, please explain yourself in the comments section. I will be waiting patiently on the edge of my seat.

Thanks!

Love,

The girl who ate 50 calories worth of Ice Breakers in the last 20 seconds

Wasting My Vote Like I’m Getting Paid For It – Third Party Candidates in Two Party America

So after months of bewilderment at the amount of seemingly unprovoked political postings on Facebook, my only source of human interaction, I have finally discovered the root cause of all the unwanted opinionated goobledygook that I for one, have in no way…

whatsoever

…at all

…even remotely participated in.

So evidently the United States Presidential election is taking place in 11 days.* I know, right? I’m totally buggin.’

Now I’d venture a guess that there are plenty of numb-minded Americans feeling overwhelmed by the vast amount of choices they have for this election:

(L) – Barack Obama (R) – Mitt Romney
*whoops!* I mean — oh, forget it

 Pretttty sizable, I’d say.

But considering the fact that the outdated Gallop poll survey I am using to make my point says 37% of Americanscan’t find America on a map** (“Map? It’s on your lapel, silly!”)…

Real Americans wear lapel pins

I think it’s safe to say, most Americans probably don’t know there are even MORE choices for the Presidential election this year.

So for those of you with enough free time to read my blog, but not enough to stay informed on American politics, continue reading for a quick and easy breakdown of the unpopular, but determined third party candidates running for President, despite continued efforts from the media to pretend they don’t exist, like the missed period of an unmarried Catholic teen. And for those of you who think I’m too pretentious to handle, please blow up my comments with derogatory feedback.  

 Gary Johnson – Libertarian Party

 Arguably the most popular third party candidate this election season, Gary Johnson has successfully tapped into the impenetrable Ron Paul fan base. As the former New Mexico Governor, Gary Johnson is a fiscally conservative, socially liberal candidate. He is an advocate for civil liberties, marriage equality, drug decriminialization, and slashing the federal deficit in the first year through cutting government programs. He would repeal the Patriot Act, the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), among other unconstitutional acts.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.garyjohnson2012.com

Jill Stein – Green Party

Green Party candidates have a long history of upsetting Presidential elections and if my vote means anything, this year’s candidate will too. Jill Stein is long-time physician, educator, and activist. She has developed “The Green New Deal” which focuses on economic reform through green technology, is vehemently opposed to the War on Drugs, would like to add an ammendment to the constitution stating that coorporations are NOT people, repeal the Patriot Act and NDAA, and stop all use of military drones. Basically, she’s a BAMF.

visit her website for more specifics:  www.jillstein.org

Rocky Anderson – Justice Party

WTF is the Justice Party? I know. That’s what I thought too. The Justice Party is a liberal political party formed to get former Democratic Mayor of Salt Lake City, Rocky Anderson on the 2012 Presidential ballad. Rocky is a strong supporter of LGBT rights, climate protection, immigration reform, civil liberties, and the decriminalization of drugs. He was also the only mayor of a major city to pursue the impeachment of George W. Bush. Whoa.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.voterocky.org

Virgil Goode – The Consitution Party

Probably the closest third party candidate to a traditional Republican (ie. not Mitt Romney), Virgil Goode is the only candidate who has proposed to put a moratorium on Green cards for immigrants, which he advocates quite proudly. He is in favor of an immediate governmental budget balance, is consistently pro-life, wants to eliminate foreign aid, and audit the Federal Reserve. His accent’s pretty cool, too.

Visit his website for more specifics: www.goodeforpresident2012.com

It’s hard to believe that four experienced, politically active candidates continue to get so little attention from mainstream media, but Ashton Kutcher is also the highest paid actor on TV, so apparently injustice comes in many forms.

Chuck Lorre has written this exact scene on at least 36 occassions, whilst swapping out the “actors” for younger, less impressive models. Way to be innovative Chuckles!

All four candidates recently participated in the Free and Equal Elections Foundation debate, hosted by Larry King.

Watching it quickly helped me confirm who Iwould be voting for, despite the fact that I voted for Barrack Obama four years ago, and would rather die than refer to Mittens as President Romney. Because if there is anything I have learned since voting in my first Presidential election it’s this:

Voting for someone makes me at least partially responsible for whatever they do, good or bad, during their Presidency.

While this is about as obvious as a stage whisper, it seems like most people forget this during the sensationalized politics of a Presidential election. But the fact of the matter is, the last guy I voted for not only re-signed the Patriot Act and maintained Guantanamo Bay, but he also utilizes drone warfare, killing far too many innocent civilians in the Middle East, signed into action the National Defense Authorization Act which allows the government to indefinitely detain U.S. citizens without charge or trial, and apparently has Nicki Minaj on his iPod. Ya’ll know I can’t deal with that shit.

And unfortunately Romney too, supports all of the above. Except maybe the Nicki Minaj thing. He seems like more of a Celine Dion guy to me.  

So just between you and me, I don’t really care who wins. If Obama wins we’ll continue to have a “hip” President who likes gay people and playing basketball, when he’s not violating our civil liberties. If Romney wins, the Oval office will have that nice, slimy, used car salesman feel to it again, perhaps helping people to wake up to the realization that both Democrats and Republicans sold out to corporate interests a long time ago, and the only real definiable difference is the size of their lapel pins.

Think about it.  When the dust settles on the election, and we have either a President Obama or a President Romney actively recanting every promise they made, as history indicates they most definitely will, do you want to know that you contributed to allowing them to do that?

Though it should go without saying, voting for the lesser of two evils is like choosing to drown a baby instead of setting it on fire.  My question is, why not choose not to kill the baby at all? 

We are Americans. Most of us already have no integrity by default. All I ask, is that this election season, we vote with a little intergrity.

WE VOTE NOT TO KILL THE BABY!!!!

Love,

The girl who throws her votes away like crushed dreams and used underwear

*This is a lie. I knew there was an election.

**To be fair, I’m pretty sure this survey included babies, the blind, and people from Arkansas.