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Welcome New Readers, Old Readers, and Vietnamese Pedophiles! – The Girl With the Blog Guided Tour

Sometimes I worry about how much I have in common with Octomom.

Both attention seekers, rippled with stretch marks, pretending that the Internet’s validation of our existence isn’t the glue holding our very feeble lives together. The resemblance is uncanny.

Just a regular Sunday

But having my most recent blog post Freshly Pressed was a deeply disarming occurrence in my life. Don’t get me wrong. It may just be the best thing that has ever happened to me – which I would hope either makes you feel really happy for me, really depressed, or slightly aroused. The latter for the sake of my ego. Both foreign and domestic Internet pervs complete me.

Nevertheless, being Freshly Pressed did result in some fine things happening to me and my blog. Like this:

And this:

But mostly this:

I realize the everyday pretentious blogger may scoff at 167 subscribers, but the everyday pretentious blogger also doesn’t require his/her subscribers to admit to “wanting to be a sucker” before subscribing. Plus this is 104 more subscribers than I had last week.

So…

Yeah…

 

So I was thinking since I have 104 new people to become acquainted with before they inevitably decide they can’t tolerate me, I will take this opportunity to further introduce myself and my blog and hopefully alienate only a handful of you. Here we go “little suckers” – or something more affectionate and less creepy.

http://www.thegirlwiththeblog.com – A Guided Tour

You are good honest people and I’m not going to lie to you. I write a lot of crap. This isn’t me being cute and self-deprecating. This is me keeping it real like Dr. Phil. I’d like to tell you that everything written prior to the day you subscribed is a gold mine of wit and exuberant talent, but in May I wrote an entire blog entry about the song “She Blinded Me With Science.” So really, I’m mostly a hack.

To help you filter through my literary feces I’m going to point you in the direction of some of my blog entries that I wish had been Freshly Pressed, or acknowledged by anyone other than disapproving family members.

Six (more) Characteristics of My Future Ex Husband

Real Women Have Confidence

The Charms and Harms of My Mother’s Man

The Girl Who Shouldn’t Have a Blog

Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy Comments Make Me Want to Die: A Discussion of Phony Female Empowerment

Why Gay Marriage Should Never Be Legalized and America Rocks!!!

The Great Plights of Humanity – Four Issues Untouched in the GOP Debate

How Ryan Gosling and Lifehouse Songs Have Ruined My Life

…I’m over this. I have roughly 90 posts. Read them. Or don’t. Whatever.

So in addition to the above links, as a new subscriber to TGWTB there are some things you should know

1. I am the asshole boyfriend of the WordPress blogosphere. I don’t write regularly, in fact sometimes I don’t write at all. For weeks. Months even.  You send emails, I shrug you off. You start to forget about me. You think to yourself “this f***wad doesn’t deserve my body or my time.” Then BAM. I am blogging every day the month of May, confusing you, annoying you, seducing you with my melodrama before once again vanishing for weeks at a time for the length of the summer. I’m like Rip Van Winkle, without the good excuse.

sweet beard, brah

2. I’m only 5’4 so I stand on a lot of soap boxes. I hope you dig it.

3. Receiving email notifications about blog comments, likes, and new subscribers brings me greater pleasure than any man or instant pudding mix ever could.

That’s all.

The Girl – The Abridged Version

Pretty much everything there is to know about me can be found in the “About the Girl” section of this blog. But to avoid this post coming off as one mother of a pimp fest for my blog (although, I mean…yeah…) I provide you with the following insights into my psyche:

1. At least 3 times a week I eat something with mold on it, only to lie awake in bed at night wondering if I’m going to die because I am allergic to penicillin and wasn’t penicillin discovered through mold on an orange? Or was that something else? Why did I have to listen to Dashboard Confessional and cry during high school Chemistry?

2. I hate people with really narrow feet. More than I should. More than anyone should hate anyone.

3. While sitting at my desk in a bra and shorts, I determined that the real reason clothes were invented is to distract fat people from how gross they look naked.  I’m fat. I’m allowed to say this. And I’m not that fake fat blogger who only talks about being fat to appeal to lonely people in Idaho. I’m genuinely fat. So much to the point that I had to put on clothing so I could concentrate on something other than my fatness. Like writing this blog that ends with me talking about being fat. Awesome.

That’s all.

So please old readers, new readers, and Vietnamese pedophiles who somehow find my blog, please read me, write me, and call me, maybe. But most importantly, share 3 things about you that make you as effed up as me. Then we can freeze each other’s bras and practice french kissing.

Happy to have you 🙂

Love,

The girl who only feels entitled to call herself female for the one hour directly following leg shaving